**Nominated Article**

A **function** is a relatively simple mathematical tool, used by great professors and not-so-great professors alike as a vital application to various numbers here and there to transform them into different numbers, but using *the same process*. This factor of regularity makes the function a fairly crucial aid in the mathematical equivalent of working in a Tibetan iPad packaging plant. Nevertheless, the sheer determination of those attempting to use the functions for a task as monotonous as the wrapping of poorly constructed imitation tablet computers made of cardboard and horse testicles is near incomparable with the mathematical geniuses of maths's heyday.

Yes, such innovative use of functions is scant in this modern world of failing economy and MS Calculator. The great functions and formulae of the days when mathematics was valued above such things as charity and prostitution were simple things, yet elegantly complicated in the array of practical yet overly long sums the masters would come up with. Unfortunately, the limited attention span of the new generation faces us with a scarcity of four-dimensional thinking and an abundance of lustful masturbation in males.^{[1]}

## The wretched psyche of the average person has destroyed the fuction

Gone are the days were functions were respected members of the hypothetical mathematical community, and when "hypothetical" was still a word. Instead we get a land of menial mathematics being taught to snot-nosed preschoolers with as little appreciation for the numerical arts as much they have snot in their noses. The entire concept of functions lies on the floor of academic subjects, shattered. The simple idea of an*x*to

*y*system where

*x*has a direct effect on

*y*through a set process of operational transformation was vital to the likes of industry, perception of the universe and industry.

^{[2]}

But indecisively, modern society throws functions to the ground and whips them brutally as if it is in some kind of bizarre S&M fantasy. With each stroke of the whip, the relevance of functions to modern mathematics, especially the vector-hypothætures area so many mathematicians are partial to, is further banished to the abyss of forgotten items. The sheer vitality of these such cornerstones of set theory is, surely, too great to be forgotten.

But alas! Forgotten is what they are! Were you to query a man on functions, he would give you a slack-jawed stare and attempt to make his way to his pathetically pointless job. So then, who can we blame? Why, the slack-jawed businessmen, of course! As one sits in a coffee house in the bustling nucleus of a dense city, pondering the infinite complexities of the Hodge conjecture, single-minded idiots on the level of this theoretical businessman walk outside the window, too wrapped up in their meaningless lives to pay any attention to Millennium Prize Problems, and Millennium Prizes for that matter. Such supreme patronisation of the abilities of those outside the coffee house window by means of the cretins building what can only be called a synonym for career by singing about such mundane topics as sex, cleavage and partying recklessly is inexcusable, to the point where, if you consider the wretched grasp of society as it is, you cannot help but pity the masses as they are sugar-coated to their intellectual doom.

## This pity may be short-lived, however

The people, like you and I, must have a choice though! If freedom of speech has taught us anything, it is that people deserve it. Doesn't that mean that the masses have the power to turn their cheek from the illiterate heroes they aspire to be jumping from explosions on big-screen celluloid? They have the power to be able to enjoy this low-brow entertainment — to a degree — and still be able to not only remember their bowling scores, but keep in their heads year-long averages! No, it seems that the population is just lazy, or perhaps they turn their noses at the intellectually better off, convinced that they are narrow-minded apes in comparison. Well, they are, but the point is that the stupidity of humanity is by choice, and just as rape is unforgivable, so is the metaphorical rape of the smarter people trapped in the crowd.

Does this cancer-like cancer mean that a person can no longer experience the thrill of looking at a functional domain and crosscutting the resultant probability space of domain and function to reach the bi-dimensional codomain, of which a simple contingency formula can pick the best dependent variable, and then attempting to work out the corresponding independent variable? Why, surely the depressing blandness of the majority of humanity at present cannot parasitically wipe a person's mental free will? Well, perhaps if the sheer emotional shock was enough to fracture a person's psyche — given that it is under the right conditions — mathematicians would not be lamenting the fall of the function and would instead be building mind-wiping superweapons for their local governments.

## The disease is overwhelming

That is, it is overwhelming humanity. It is ravaging the fields of knowledge some pride themselves upon, to the point where the idiocy of the modern world looks at you with a penetrating gaze and tells you with no more than its venomous expression that the crippling vortex of cold apathy exchanged by the next generation and modern mathematics is sucking in the likes of functions and taking them straight to Hell. And mathematics has proven, multiple times, that Hell doesn't even exist. For such a horrific situation where the coefficient of an independent agent can be completely overridden by the negative summation of a number of contrary scenarios to even exist, something must be manically aloof in the metaphysical and (probably more importantly) logical worlds. And it is. The sound of drastically dropping IQs deafens every singe person trying to associate two with two hundred and sixty eight million, four hundred and thirty five thousand, four hundred and fifty six by way of something as easy to understand as powers of twenty eight and then trying to apply that association to a whole host of other numerical values.

All these people ask is to be able to directly determine the value of the output variable *y*, by way of the input variable, *x*. Surely, this is not too much of a demand? If intelligence is freedom,^{[3]} then the uneasily indefinite current state of mathematics, or rather its ruination at the hands of such horsemen of the intellectual apocalypse^{[3]} as pop culture and gang culture, and really any culture that does not involve ritual bloodletting in the name of academics, shows a total lack of freedom in the eyes of dedicated mathematicians via the stupidity of the modern public. This, according to the morals of *any* culture, is a devastating breach of human rights, yet everywhere today it is executed unflinchingly and unknowingly to condemn the rights of mathematicians hitherto the numerically predicted moment a large asteroid crashes into the Earth and wipes out the toxic ignorance plaguing the Earth much like respected mathematicians are plagued by a total lack of sexual confidence or ability.

## Being sad won't get you anywhere, though

As you sit there moping, however, the cancer spreads. It's perfectly acceptable to think of the fine days of mathematics. The days when it was an *art*. When a man could hold a formula above his head and be proud of himself, and not be beaten to death by a revolting^{[4]} society seemingly sick of those better than them purely because its members never did move themselves to try and step outside of the norm and do something meaningful. When knowledge was both prized and celebrated, and not by religious people, who know nothing. No, it's perfectly acceptable to do that, to try and pretend that the desolation of any sense in the world of mathematics simply isn't there.

It is interesting. Humanity here could be assessed with a function: one which has *x*, the input, representing an independent agent, for example mathematics, before the bulk of humanity moves in, and *smoking crater*, the output, being a smoking crater following humanity's introduction to *x*. Of course, this function would be near impossible to successfully render, for the domain is very rarely described as "any object that can be perceived by humanity", and the image would be very limited indeed. The point is that actions must be taken to fight the pestilence. Much like pest control are called in to extinguish termites, these symbolic termites of ours are the lesser humans, those preoccupied with religion, love or fun. Those who do not wish to pay attention to the intellectual superheroes, so to speak, algebra, arithmetic, set theory, logic, number theory, topology, mathematical physics, physical mathematics and pi. They must be taught what they need to know, or killed in the name of mathematics!

## This is the only way to liberate mankind from itself!

And in doing so we will allow mathematics to climb to the top of the tree! For logic's sake, we live in a world where large-breasted celebrities are prized over knowledge! "Look honey, I solved calculus!" — surely that is far more civilized than "Look honey, I raped a large-breasted celebrity!" This unbelievable toadying to the warped rules of society is what has destroyed mathematics. No longer can a man impulsively get from three to nine and apply that connection to the rest of the non-negative prime integers floating around the ever-shrinking brink of human knowledge! Sooner or later we'll forget that two to the power of 43,112,609 even *is* a prime number! No, instead all the functions in the world can just piss off down to the Tibetan iPad packaging plant, and get boxed up in a prison of cardboard and questionable Tibetan workmanship. Yes, if the devil roamed the Earth and was real he'd be smiling now.

So join me! Fight for the cause! Yes! Come on! Do it for the functions! The underrated *f(x)* system every mathematician secretly has fantasies about! Can we let the hoards of ignorance raid and plunder humanity's sole greatness? Come on, for fuck's sake, who needs Concorde or Lindsay Lohan? We have mental superiority over the comparably zombie-like groups of idiots wandering around in this day and age! We must stand up and rebel against the buck-toothed illiteracy we face in our fellow man! Man the battle stations! Sharpen the knifes! Mathematicians can do this! Mathematicians solved the Enigma code, you know!^{[5]} So use your intellect! Use the functions! If the argument is *w^u/y*w* where the Hershey paradox of *±*w* is critical to the sub-separation of *u* and *y*, and if the value is *(w+u)53* then we can construct the ultimate battle strategy! Rise up! Take revenge on the slanderous bastards who sent the Earth spiraling into a vast hole filled with reality TV and dog feces! We can do it! We can do it for the functions! ****Aahblughnumnumnumbrrrrfvttfvttfvtt****

## Notes

- ↑ We all know females are only useful for cooking, knitting and firefighting.
- ↑ Those iPads aren't going to package themselves!
- ↑
^{3.0}^{3.1}Thank you religion, but piss off anyway. - ↑ In the sense of the present tense verb synonymous with both disgusting and rebelling. Know your homophones.
- ↑ No, really.

**Glossary of mathematical terms**