Full House

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Operation Full House was a US military operation that lasted from 1987 though 1995, though it is still in syndication. It was created late one Saturday when Zonald Donald Zegan (Ronald Reagan's evil twin), some anonymous military guys, and Butters were having their usual drinking binge/cabinet meeting. Minutes for the meeting were taken by Satan and are in some kind of horrible cursed illegible runic language that causes you to burst into flames the moment you see it, but the participants are believed to have been eating Sour Patch Kids.

Note: Although it is rumored that Bob "Danny Tanner" Saget had unapproved sex with the 8 year old Olson twins and whoever played the older daughter's friend, you know- the bitch, this rumor is very likely untrue. Why would he cheat on Jessie and Joey?- no one knows their names anymore and Bob "the Faget" Saget likes it tight- REALLY tight.

Contents 1 Plot 2 Objectives 3 Objections 4 The Cast And Various Horrible Fates They Deserve 4.1 Bob Saget 4.2 Dave Coulier 4.3 John Stamos 4.4 Candace Cameron 4.5 Jodie Sweetin 4.6 Kimmy Gibbler 4.7 Steve 4.8 Michelle 5 Aftermath 6 Positive aspects 7 Memorable Episodes 8 Spinoff 9 External links

[edit] Plot

After a clean freak named Danny Tanner "accidentaly" kills his wife by shoving a mop down her throat because she told him to fuck off so he decided to clean her mouth out with Pinsol, Danny enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse (who later turns out to be a reincarnated version of Elvis Presley) and best friend Joey (who is just plain retarded, and is also a Jeff Daniels wanabe) to look after his three daughters. Hmm. Three grown men and three little girls in one house. Kind of perverted when you think about it.

At the end of the series, it is revealed that Mrs. Tanner was not acctually dead, but was instead hiding behind Stephanie's underwear drawer. She faked her death to see how the idea for the show itself would work out, and since it sucked she decided to reveal herself. The episode ends with all the characters hugging, only to be eaten and later crapped out by the Kimmy Gibbler, their deranged neighbor.

Unknown to most viewers, Joey Gladstone was the father of DJ and Stephanie. Think about it, he's the only blond on the show and Ketsopolis is WAY to Greek for the dead mom to have blond hair. In addition, nobody in a million years would have sex with Danny Tanner. Not only this, but the dog Comet was the father of Nicky, Alex, and Michelle.

[edit] Objectives

There were two points to Operation Full House:

1. Gather all the most dangerous threats to America (Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, the Olsen twins, et al.) and seal them off from the public in a closed sitcom set
2. Air the sitcom on network TV, instantly killing anybody who would actually choose to watch more than three seconds of it and thus making the world a much better place
3. After that people would start to turn into vegetables and who will only watch full house...they will then be punched by Bob Saget

[edit] Objections

Strangely, nobody objected, as basically everybody in the world was also smoking crack and/or drunk as all hell that year. Soviet Russia offered Yakov Smirnoff for containment, but the USA politely declined. With bombs.

[edit] The Cast And Various Horrible Fates They Deserve

[edit] Bob Saget

Bob Saget was assigned by Robert E. Lee to hold the Fredricksburg Heights against Union General John Sedgewick whilst Lee defended his rear positions against Union attacks spearheaded by the capable General "Fightin" Joe Hooker. However, Hooker became nervous, and ordered his troops to dig defensive positions, ruining his surprise advantage. Lee escaped once again.

Saget defeated Gen. Sedgewick in less than half an hour, thanks to the Wolverines' help in killing the commies, intellectuals, naysayers and gays, and was able to assist Gen. Lee with mop-up operations.

Sadly, Confederate General "Stonewall" Jackson was fatally wounded after returning victorious to his camp, bringing to a close the notable Jackson-Longstreet Pornography Ring of 1863, which had terrorized central Washington D.C. for months, flooding the sizable erotica market with cheap duplications and poorly-made drivel. Saget was also known for inserting his penis in Dave Coulier's mouth any time he spoke out of line. Likewise, Dave Coulier stuffed his back "exit" every time he bent over to pet that freakin dog.

[edit] Dave Coulier

Dave Coulier is a slang term for smegma, also known as "dick cheese".

What the fuck did Joey do that was so great? Jesse was the cool guy, but you just sat around and watched cartoons. It's a good thing D.J. could run faster than you, you fucking freak.

[edit] John Stamos

John Stamos, under the name of Jesse Cornonthecobstapolis, was found inside a pawn shop in the future. He later became addicted to amphetamines. He refused to do a ninth season after ABC told him he couldn't rape anyone on the show anymore. This would've been fine if anyone else quit, but since he had the lead role the show was canceled after the eighth season. An alternate ending to the series finale involved John Stamos being raped by ferrets and dismembered by Dave Coulier. Coulier and Stamos liked it but ABC thought it was too awesome for a finale, so the idea was scrapped.

[edit] Candace Cameron

Popularly believed to be merely a typo for Candid Camera. Cameron is truly immense and has a complex atmosphere, which bristles with lightning and swirls with huge storm systems. One of these, the Great Red Spot, is a giant, herpes related storm that has existed for at least 100 years, and perhaps longer, as the great astronomer Galileo Galilei reported seeing a similar structure over 380 years ago! Some scientists theorize that beneath the atmosphere there is no solid mass at the center of Cameron, but that the its unique temperature and pressure conditions sustain a core whose density is more like liquid or slush.

[edit] Jodie Sweetin

Notable for playing the first Full House character to grow boobs (with the possible exception being Dave Coulier's Joey Gladstone.)

The Jodie Sweetin Memorial Sperm Bank was opened in 1995, in honor of the thousands of gallons of semen spilled when she began developing that sweet-ass body.

[edit] Kimmy Gibbler

Was originally cast as an Asian, this is hommaged by the fact that in every shot she is visible, she is eating a bowl fried rice.

Kimmy Gibbler also had a penis. This was the first time a network television program delved into the sordid world of trans-sexuality. Gibbler's status as a male was first made public in 1988, when pictures of him engaged in bareback anal sex with a harelip Cambodian midget were published in Hustler Magazine.

The revelation that Andrea Barber, the actor that played Gibbler, had a penis inspired ABC to tape a 120 minute "special" episode of Full House celebrating cultural diversity and the Christian holiday season. The episode, titled "Kimmy's Christmas Gift", was a modern retelling of "It's a Wonderful Life" featuring Gibbler in the George Bailey role. In this never before aired episode, Gibbler realizes that, if he had never been born, he would not have been able to mercy fuck Fatty (DJ), help Uncle Jessie come to terms with his homosexuality, engage in a circle jerk with Joey, Al Sharpton, and Pat Robertson, or set up his secret multi-million dollar cartel operation with Santos (briefly introduced at the end of episode 14 in season two, and never heard from again after.) Realizing this, Gibbler begged his guardian angel (played brilliantly by Huey Newton, of Black Panther fame) to bring him back to life, in exchange for a quickie on the bridge. The episode poignantly ends with Gibbler getting a face full of angel jizz while the entire cast rings bells, and at least one gong.

[edit] Steve

Candace Cameron's love slave, because no one would willingly have sex with her (besides Bob Saget), as pointed out in several early episodes.(Before she got melons, and also conveniently before she met Steve.) Anyway, all this motherfucker did was eat. Any time he had a line it would be muffled by a doughnut, or Fig Newtons, or Dave Coulier's cock. For some reason, after all the food he eats, he never gets any fatter. He was supposed to die in the unmade ninth season. His death consisted of him eating everything in the house,(including Dave Coulier's cock) then his stomach exploding after weighing a total of 6546 lbs.

[edit] Michelle

Used as a crutch for every single fucking gap in the show that the scriptwriters had about two years into the show's run, saying everything from "Aus cream" to "You're in big trouble, mister!" to "I'll let you squeeze my titties for 20 bucks!". (See: Tired gag, Marmaduke, Family Circus)

Example:

Bob Saget is lecturing Michelle, who is staring at him.

Bob Saget: Now, Michelle, remember NOT TO EAT those COOKIES that I convienently placed directly next to your high chair. I'm going to go remind Joey that he still needs to find a job, and to stop staring at Stephanie's soft, dewy, nubile skin at the dinner table while not blinking. I'll be right back.

Michelle: Yubyubymuck.

Bob Saget: (laughs) Hah! Oh, Michelle.

Laugh track

Michelle stares at the cookie jar

Alternating close-ups on the jar and Michelle's face

Bob Saget: Michelle!

Michelle is eating cookies

Bob Saget: Oh, kids!

Slide whistle, Benny Hill theme music, fade to black

In addition to having a hand in the Heath Ledger murder (2008), it is widely known that Michelle had ties to Al-Queda.

[edit] Aftermath

• The results of the operation were kept top secret, leading most people to believe that it was a massive failure. They are absolutely right.
• The national suicide rate jumped .0035075%, according to the United States Bureau of Extremely Small Percentages.

[edit] Positive aspects

Most people are not willing to admit the snug, joyful sensation they get inside while studying the operation. It gives everyone a warm feeling that brings them closer to family and friends. Because everywhere you look there's a heart, a hand to hold on to. (Unless, of course, you're laying in a remote ditch with only two containers of antifreeze that you've already ingested and you're eyelids have been eaten by a pair of imaginary polar bears; then you're fucked.)

[edit] Memorable Episodes

• Get the Fuck Away from Me: DJ feels that Danny is getting over protective of her, which starts to piss her off. He crosses the line when she wakes up to find Danny cleaning out her vagina with Febreeze. She snaps at him, which really hurts Danny. But when Bill Cosby breaks into the house and tries to eat DJ, Danny rescues his daughter by kung-fuing Cosby's ass. DJ apologizes to her daddy, and allows him to brush between her cleavage.

• Flaming Danny: Danny remembers being really good friends with a boy and thinks he is gay. He spends a majority of the episode reading Vogue, eating tarts, and watching Gilmore Girls. Finally, Jesse tries to seduce Danny, who is not turned on by him. This proves that Danny is straight, since no one can resist Jesse's charm. Strangely, no one ever questions Jesse on this.

• Pure Gold: The Golden Girls come to visit. Blanche tries to get into bed with Jesse, but ends up with Joey instead; Sophia tries to molest each of the Tanner girls; Rose accidentally kills Michelle's friend and tries to hide it; and Dorothy and Danny hang out. In the end, the two families come together to vanquish Steve Urkle, and sing a catchy song.

• The Secret Life on Michelle Tanner: A bully in Michelle's class suddenly goes missing. Out of sheer assumption, Danny thinks that Michelle killed him. After drugging her milk, she explains the whole process in detail. After the episode, John Stamos talks to the viewers about the dangers of children.

• Dead Man Abuse [parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5]: Danny is away on business, but is looking forward to coming home to seeing his favorite uncle, who is coming to visit. But the day that he arrives, he dies on the doorstep. This leads to a hundred situations involving a dead body being shoved into places (including Michelle's vagina), hung from things, and given a makeover. One of the most memorable parts of the episode was when Becky comes home drunk and, thinking the naked dead body on her bed is Jesse, has sex with the corpse. In the end, it turns out the corpse was the mailman, and that Danny's uncle was alive the whole time! This episode is also notable for being a majority of the 5th season.

• Bone My Pipe: Joey and DJ suspect the plumber want to fuck Becky. When they see their suspicions were right, they spend the rest of the episode trying to work out a plan. Finally, they manage to lure the plumber into the bathroom and shove a bomb up his ass. The subplot of the episode involves Michelle and Jesse trying to find out who killed Jesse's comb.

• Joey Gladstone's Come and Gone: The insane asylum Joey broke out of comes and tries to pay him to come back. Joey must make a the tough choice of whether to stay with the family he loves to fuck, or going back to the asylum where he has many pals to lick him in every place of his body, as well as Dr. Snubbles and his group of assorted rape-puppets. Eventually, Joey decides to go back to the asylum. But just as he is about to leave, the family hold him down and prevent him from leaving. A few moments later, Joey finds himself tied up to the kitchen table, wearing only underwear, and decides it was all a sugar hallucination.

• What Do We Do Next?: No one is able to come up with an episode idea and so they do nothing. That's all the episode is is just nothing. Oh, wait, at one point Jesse gets up and gets a drink.....and there was that one thing before commercial break where Danny stares at Michelle in the tub. But other than tha- oh! there was also that one part where DJ's boyfriend gets a paper-cut...but then he gets a bandage and all is well. So.....yeah.

• Michelle vs. the Ninja: A Ninja assasin comes to America to kill Michelle...and suceeds! Meanwhile, Danny faces Joey in Mortal Kombat over who gets to molest Stephaine.

• JESSIE PUNCH!: Jessie perfoms the dreaded Falcon Punch on Kimmy just to get him to shut the fuck up, while Michelle seeks to attain the powers of hell for herself.

• It Had to be Poo: Michelle pulls a tiger out of Jesse's ass and grows fond of the creature. But when the frog in Jesse's ass begins to miss his friend, he crawls out and challenges Michelle to a duel. Michelle wins but the tiger suddenly dies of a heart attack. The frog is saddened and kills himself. A funeral is held and the two are buried. The episode ends with a corny joke and Danny being raped by Vanilla Ice.

• Full House: ANNHILATION!: the Emperor Shao Khan plans to use the Tanner household to open a portal to merge Earth and Outworld together, then has sex with Kimmy Gibbler.

• Where's the Keif?: Keifer Sutherland makes a cameo performance and kicks Stephanie in the throat. Meanwhile, DJ tries her luck at being an actual Disc Jockey, and inevitably gets shot to death at her Junior Prom for Rick-Rolling everyone.

• the Trouble with Danny: Everyone decides they've had enough of Danny's obession with cleaning ,and incite a rebellion against him. Michelle tries to stop it, only to be lit on fire, shot, stabbed, farted on , get her head bashed in by a crowbar, and get her neck snapped.

• Forever Tanner: Crossover with Forever Knight. While visting Toronto, the Tanners meet vampire cop Nick Knight. Nick does the Tanners a favor by using his super strength to rip Michelle in half.

• Thunder Tanners: Crossover with Thundercats. the Tanners are transported to Thundera, and team up with the Thundercats to get back home. In the end, Michelle becomes the new Mumm-Ra, and DJ loses her virginity to Lion-O.

• Fuck Me!: In which everyone on the show repeats the phrase "Fuck Me" in exasperation, with hilarious results.

[edit] Spinoff

For some reason, a spinoff was launched halfway into the series, again as a military operation. The official title of the series is unknown, but most people know it as Step By Step. It consisted of a wannabe looking whore, Patrick Duffy (Scuzzlebutt's left leg on Southpark), and randomly generated children.

[edit] External links

• [1] a clip from the Full House music video