“Yeah, I'd hit it.”
The World is Fucking You
Ask yourself; what has the world ever done for you? You, a precious beautiful snowflake with a passionate love for Mother Nature, and an irrational hate for Talking Snakes have done nothing but give and give and give to this fat ugly planet, and what have you gotten in return? Not a thing. You reached into your chest and pulled out a beating heart and all of the infinite love contained therein, and The Earth laughed at you and gave you cancer.
Yes, I may have forgotten to mention that you have cancer. Boy that sucks. The AIDS-riddled orphans will miss your company and the way you made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and talked of memories past. But the world doesn't care about that. It chuckles at your misfortune. "Hehehe", the world says.
What a dick. That world has some nerve making light of such a serious situation. After all, it's not every day that a person gets cancer in their head, shoulders, knees, and toes. You my friend, are a marvel of modern science. How is it that in a time when thousands of the smartest scientists who have ever lived are working night and day to cure cancer, you still end up with this disease? The answer is quite simple; the world has it out for you.
How the World Fucks You
The world wakes up every morning thinking about fucking you. The very oceans themselves are products of The Earth's wet dreams about screwing your life over. Trees? Why, that's just what we refer to as "morning wood". You're just another object in the world's sick perverted fantasies.
The world is trying to fuck you right now. Just the other day it asked me for your phone number, but I knew better. I know first-hand what it's like to get a text message at 4 A.M. spelling out (in comically abbreviated words) all the many nasty things it would do to me. It's no laughing matter. I ended up having to get a restraining order stating that the world cannot come within 500 feet of me.
Yes, the world wants to fuck you. There's no debating that. But how is the world trying to do this? Let's explore.
The world loves to make you confused and scared. It creates paradoxical situations with which to frighten you and send you into a state of panic and utter tomfoolery. For instance:
Every person in the world has a fate. Unfortunately, people also have a destiny which can sometimes conflict with their fate, especially if they're the kinds of people who put their fate in their own hands and face their destiny. Unfortunately it gets infinitely more complicated than that. When the Mormon God created everyone, he gave them the free will to do as they please. However, Mormogod also knows everything and would therefore know what a person would do even when acting randomly, thereby destroying their free will and sealing their destiny.
So where does the world come in on this? Well the world knows that humans are remarkably confused about their ability to change their fate and most of the time to even complete the simplest of bodily functions without facing grave physical danger. It knows this and it therefore created fortune cookies by producing the wood for the paper, and the bread stuff for the shell thingy. It then gave birth to the Chinese people who think up vague fortunes to befuddle mankind and leave them vulnerable to sexual advances.
Now, we all know fortune cookies are right 100% of the time, but logically, how can this work? Well we would have to either assume that the fortunes themselves change a person's destiny simply by being read or only predict things that will already occur. If the paper changes destiny (but not fate) and coincides with God's divine plan (but is changeable by prayer to Jesus) and allows for the possibility of free will (but not necessarily for omniscience) then if a robot reads this sentence, its head will explode.
The world prides itself on its cunning deceit and unparalleled douchiness. Think about how people get diseases. The world presents you with a beautiful little fluffy bunny rabbit and you, in your endless naivety go to pet it, only to have it bite you in the eye and give you rabies. It sooths you into a false sense of security with nice things like fuzzy animals, gorgeous plants, tiny insects, food, water, and the sun, and you end up with diseases, poison, insect poison, food poison, poisoned water, and skin cancer respectively.
Let's face it. The world kills you for the most fucked up reasons imaginable. Do you want warm shelter? BAM! Asbestos. Do you enjoy breathing? BAM! Have some anthrax. Sex anyone? SCHLAM! More types of STDs than you can shake your stick at. In fact, After falling off of my neighbor's roof last night, I found out that even the seemingly simple act of levitating is apparently quite difficult because of the world's malicious policy of gravity.
There is only one way to prepare yourself against an onslaught of a million different possible deaths for any reason or none, and that's to stop getting fucked and fuck the world.
Fuck the world
Now that you are sufficiently angry, and/or horny, it is time to fuck the world. "But how?", a person who's actually willing to talk to me might ask. "Simple.", I'd reply if that ever happens.
There are many ways to fuck the world setting aside the obvious "Dig a Hole in the Ground and Make Some Dirt Babies" method, which can lead to some very awkward explanations to 80-year-old neighbors named Dorris. Now, if fucking an entire planet is too daunting a task, and my expertly written step-by-step explanation which Rolling Stone Magazine hails as "Simply... amazing. The most important... non-fiction... in the last century", is too complicated for your cancer-infected brain; simply do the exact opposite of everything Al Gore does. Otherwise, read ahead.
Here is my step-by-step guide to fucking the world, now available for free to the public:
Step 1.) Start small-scale by destroying the environment around you. Make an area completely uninhabitable by at least one species and hope that a food chain-reaction will follow and destroy the planet as we know it.
For example: there are some woods nearby my house that I dumped thousands of grocery bags into. I then brought in a hoard of termites to eat the trees, and I left rotting meat and opened cans of botulism-infected food with rat poison in them, and I dug up the ancient Indian burial grounds that were hidden there so that I could use the skulls to bash in the heads of sick deer. All this never started the chain reaction I was hoping for, but it made me feel very, very powerful.
Step 2.) Stop doing things that help the world. Don't plant or grow anything, don't obey any laws protecting species or environments, release any cattle you may be holding captive, and most importantly don't eat anything. Eating is just ways to thin out over-populated species (and force the crappy species into extinction), and this helps the world.If billions of humans suddenly stopped eating, millions of species would be drastically affected. First off, bugs would have much more vegetables to eat in areas where they grow naturally (keep in mind we've stopped planting things) and in areas where they don't, species would go extinct, the birds in those areas would have nothing to eat and they would migrate to Australia where the kangaroos are starving to death for lack of food and the birds would be forced to pick them apart, and over time adapt to only meat-eating and after even longer be able to kill healthy fully grown kangaroos with one lethal dive-bomb, and when the kangaroos are all dead the birds would migrate everywhere else and begin taking out other mammals at alarming rates, meanwhile all other species of birds have gone extinct because they either have no food or can't compete with the all new hybrid birds, so snakes now have nothing to eat, the worm and insect population is exploding in some areas and disappearing in others, humans have gone into hiding and are resorting to cannibalism, the ice caps have finally melted because Canadians heard there was food there and George Bush subsequently heard there was now French black people there and so he bombed them, and now the temperature of the Atlantic has lowered dramatically, resulting in global climate shifts that wipe each species out one by one through unprecedented ice ages, years of boiling heat, tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, and an earth-splitting volcano explosion, making the world uninhabitable and therefore very lonely.
Step 3.) If you're looking for step 3, you obviously screwed up pretty badly on step 2. What, you're not tough enough to starve to death? Or maybe your cancer hurts too much and you think that you deserve special treatment. Well score one for the world, because you just gave up. The world continues to laugh at you. "rofl", the world types. Are you just going to take that?
...you really are? Oh.
Well to hell with you! You'll starve to death with the rest of us and you'll like it. I can't stand around and let you foil my plans of destroying the world. I've already begun the revolution, and when we all go underground, you'll be the first to be eaten. There will be nothing left of you but your head, shoulders, knees, and toes, and that will only be because cancer probably tastes as bad as it hurts.