Fuck Under user

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Under User doesn't put pictures of himself on the Internet, but I always imagine he looks kind of like this.

Under user is, by all accounts, the worst fucking administrator on the whole Uncyclopedia. He is a log of poop floating on the stale water of the big smelly toilet that is Uncyclopedia. In fact, he's what makes it big and smelly. Well, not big, because that was pretty much determined by the toilet manufacturer. But smelly? Yes! Indubitably!

Just hearing Under user's name makes me want to puke down the front of my own shirt. He has excessive nose hair and he smells like sh-

God, I just can't go through with this

Under user is frankly the best person I've ever met. Well, not met so much as seen on the Internet, but still. The guy is just incredible. We could all learn a few lessons about being more like Under user.

He's incredibly helpful

You wouldn't believe how helpful Under User is. Once, I was writing this article about Martin Sheen's voice-overs, and I just couldn't get the middle section right, you know? I had a concept, and I had a great punchline at the end, but in the middle, it just fell apart. So I put it up for Pee Review. And then I clicked "My watchlist."

Well, you know what? Under user had already done the review. It was seriously less than 2 seconds. And it was 40,000 bytes long. I thought "Well, this can't be any good, it's probably just one letter repeated 40,000 times." It was not. It was the most profound piece of advice I'd ever seen. After I finished reading it, I wept. I sat at my chair and sobbed and blew my nose into my shirt. Then, I fixed the article, which immediately became the best thing Uncyclopedia had ever seen. And the next morning, I finally checked myself into rehab and reconciled with my father.

Seriously. That was one hell of a Pee Review.

He's a mind-blowing writer

Under user authored the piece HowTo:Fuck Off, which, more than any other piece of literature, changed my life. It's probably the most important written work of the early 21st century. It may be hard to believe, but that article has reduced the number of nights I spend in jail by over 80%.

These days, when people tell me to fuck off, I just quietly and politely fuck off. I guess the message I really took away from that page, if I could name one thing, is that when people say "fuck off," they don't mean "please masturbate right now."

It was sort of a life-changing thing for me.

His phone number is really hard to guess

Under user's phone number is stupendously hard to guess. I found this Wikipedia list of area codes, and I've just been going down the list and calling all the numbers. I'm up to 212. And so far, no one has acknowledged being Under user. Well, one guy did, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk.

So it's pretty safe to say that this guy has a phone number that, in terms of hard-to-guessness, is just off the fucking hook.

By the way, do you have any idea how many Mexicans are in the United States? Jesus!

He made me see the error of my ways

A few months ago, I got in a fight with my girlfriend, and she was saying these really hurtful things, like "You shouldn't have kissed my little sister" and "We have toilet paper for a reason." And in the heat of the moment, I yelled "WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE UNDER USER, YOU BITCHY CUNT?"

And then I realized - why can't I have a girlfriend more like Under user? Why can't we all have a girlfriend like Under user? Doesn't everyone deserve an Under user in their life?

So I left her. I did date her sister for a couple weeks after that, but I left her, too, because, frankly, she was nothing like Under user. I asked her to write the UnSignpost, and she just wrote "licorice machine" on a napkin. What the hell does that even mean? Seriously, Under user would never do that.

Don't break my heart, Under user.

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