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Just a few moments ago, I realized it had been quite some time since I'd last eaten. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, eating is somewhat important to me. Ever naive, I wandered innocently into the kitchen, and opened the refrigerator door. Naturally, I was expecting my food items to be in their proper places, exactly as they'd been when I'd last set my eyes upon the dimly lit storage unit that holds my meat.
Someone, or perhaps, someTHING viciously, mercilessly stole what I had planned on eating! You, BASTARD!
A Brief History of Refrigeration: Revised
It is generally accepted that, in order to make something cool, one must simply put a backwards baseball cap upon it. However, this is NOT how refrigeration works. It is common, or at least some-what acknowledged knowledge, that refrigeration works by removing heat from an item. This action is said to "cool" said item. This action miraculously involves little to no use of backwards baseball caps (a fact which baffles the scientific community to this very day).
Along with the world's top scientists, we all (naively) presume that this process is done perhaps electronically, or at least with a shit load of ice.
As a result of recent independent observation, experimentation, and sheer use of uberincredible logic, I have deduced that the only reasonable explanation for refrigeration, and the disappearance of certain food items from my fridge/freezer: Fridge Monsters! Jump back; kiss myself! GO ME!
The Elusive Fridge Monster
The Fridge Monster is a close relative of the thing that eats your socks, the creature who keeps stealing your keys, and that annoying little urge you have to dry hump things when you're tipsy. Fridge Monsters are creatures of darkness which become incredibly shy by that little light bulb that comes on when you open the door. Like roaches, they breed rapidly, steal food instantly, and get scatter when the light comes on. Parasites!
It should also be noted that, through observation, I've also deduced that fridge monsters are invisible. Thus, I cannot provide an adequate explanation of their appearances, because they are so very stealthy. And invisible. One may theorize that they look similaer to the mogwai, cute and furry until fed past midnight. Others may surmise that they appear more like Smurfs or Snorks. Others still may even go as far as to suggest that Fridge Monsters appear in the form of microsized Jimmy Carters, eagerly nibbling away at the earnings of hard working Americans everywhere! And the truth is, they would all be right and wrong: such is the power of invisibility. And stealth.
The droplets that forms on the drawers in which you keep various meats and fruit and vegetables? Oh sure, SOME of that can be attributed to normal condensation. Most of it, however, is the result of the raunchy fridge monster sex that takes place every time you close the door. That's right; through the power of Holmesian deduction, I have concluded that Fridge Monsters ejaculate condensation.
Frankly, if this was all the fridge monsters did, I wouldn't mind. I'm glad that there's an invisible species that finds such enjoyment in living amongst food and fornicating to their hearts content in the darkness. They could join the sea monkeys and play fuckin' water polo for all I care! In fact, I don't even mind that much of the food I eat could be (and probably is) literally covered in little, barely-visible Fridge Monster seamen.
Yet, as soon as we close that door, and bathe them in darkness, and their desire to fornicate has subsided, they are overcome by an insatiable desire to EAT MY FOOD! This concept explains why, when you're quite sure there was plenty of turkey left in the fridge when you saw it this morning, upon returning to devour the rest yourself, THERE ISN'T ANY LEFT TO BE DEVOURED. ASSHOLES!
Some people may attribute this phenomenon to other individuals in the household devouring it before you were able to properly claim it. However, through careful observation, I can positively state otherwise.
- ↑ Claiming may include, but is not necessarily limited to:
- Peeing upon said item (not recommended for foodstuffs)
- Labeling said item (perferred method of the Department of Homeland Security)
- Sticking some sort of flag into said item (perferred method of Buzz Aldrin)
- Stealing said item (perferred method of Keith Moon)
- Hiring armed gnomes to guard said item (perferred method of Nightwish)
The Inconvenient-Yet-Completely-Honest Truth About Refrigeration
In all actuality, the cold, or "refrigeration" as we call it is a result of the natural bodily processes of the fridge monster.
In essence, they poo cold.
So, I could have exploded with rage when I discovered that there was no more turkey left in our fridge. However, using my superior intellect, excellent reasoning skills, and Buddhist like Zen, I reminded myself that fridge monsters also need sustenance. So, before deciding to eat a bit of leftover pizza instead, I thanked the Fridge Monsters for their generosity in blessing us with their cooling excrement. I do so prefer certain food items in a colder state.
Please remember! Fridge monsters WILL eat your children!! I repeat, they WILL, that's WILL eat your children. Make sure that your children do NOT use the fridge, they WILL be eaten by the beast living in your fridge! I know, astonishing. It should be noted that if you were to "accidentally" sacrifice your child to the fridge monster, said monster may leave some food for you. If you ever make friends with a fridge monster, feed your child to him, they will be very greatful... This is a quick and easy way to get rid of the annoying little beasts that run around your house and wreck everything!
Fucking Freezer Monsters?!
By now, you must be wondering what sorts of magic keep the freezer so cold?
Well, that answer is, of course, mutated Fridge Monsters! The appropriate ensuing explanation has been left out due to obviousness. Needless to say, I don't need to not explain this any further.