French language
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“Cet article pue la mort et on devrait lui faire bouffer ses burnes. Non, sincérèrement, je l'encule à sec...”
~ Jean Dupont on the way you burst his culture
“It's really hard to speak, but we'll gangfuck you anyway!”
~ Girls Aloud on speaking French
“I love the French language... it's a delightful language, especially to curse with. It's like whopping your ass with silk. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on speaking French
La « langue » française est une langue très étrange, pratiquée par une obscure tribu appelée les Français, ils vivent reclus dans pays en forme d'étoile écrasée et déformée par un 40 tonnes en libre circulation sur une petite route de campagne, nommé la France. Et aussi des Îles un peu partout dans le monde, nommées "Départements d'outre mer". Cependant, il n'est pas rare de trouver aussi des Français au Canada, en Suisse, en Belgique, ou au pays des Schtrompfs, mais aucun de ces Français n'a la teinte de l'original. Selon la rumeur, personne en France ne parlerait Français que dans le seul et unique but d'emmerder les anglophones. Les Français eux même ne parleraient jamais Français entre eux. Cette rumeur est douteuse et a probablement été mise sur pied par DES SALES FRUSTRÉS BOUFFEURS DE STEAK CONFITURE ROSSBIFS DE MES DEUX ! GODE SAIVE ZE COUINE ! Quelques personnes pensent que français est une langue, mais c’est faux. En effet le français est seulement anglais très, très, très mauvais. La preuve: La languex francaise est possesment voules in incroyablement excèss. L'anglais est lui même un abominable dialecte germain qui a dégènéré.
En fait, c'est très probable qu'il n'y ait personne qui puisse lire ce paragraphe.
A part les rigolos de Francais qui passent ici.
Possible translation: There's french people in Smurfs's land, in Belgium in Swiss, in Québec, in some islands in some parts of the world and in Sénégal. There's no french language, in fact, it's a really bad english. (and in fact english is a really bad german dialect) All the rest is stupids non-sense french sentences.
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[edit] French numerals
Given la very low-lying posision of les Frenchmen dans la evolutionary scale, les French count numbers using all four hands, en base twenty. Here are some examples:
- 3: twat (the final "t" is silent)
- 20: vingt (lit. twenty)
- 80: quatre-vingts (lit. four twenties, 4*20)
- 94: quatre-vingts quatorze (lit. four twenties and fourteen, 4*20 + 14)
ok, you get it. They have also developed special symbols for the numbers from 10 to 19. Here are some examples:
- 11: a bottle of wine
- 12: a woman bending over, on her knees
- 14: la tour Eiffel
- 16: a snail climbing up
- 17: a woman's leg
- 18: a frog
- 19: a snail climbing down
[edit] French Canadian version
The combination of French numerals and Imperial units tends to piss off even the most good-natured Canadian. They have developed their own very special names for the powers of 20:
Examples:
- 512 128 024 800: tabarnac deux-viarge trois-Crisse deux-marde!
Même si en fait, "shit" en français est "merde", et pas "marde". Quel dommage! C'est con, ça alors, hein ? Oui bon, en fait, marde c'est la version québécoise de merde. Voilà.
[edit] French R
The "R" in French is not pronounced like in English. It kind of sounds like gargling. If you can do this, than you can pretty much pass for French.
Here's How: -Open your mouth.
-Close your throat and carefully enunciate the sound K, several times.
-Pay attention to where in your throat the K sound is made. We'll call this the K place. -Begin slowly closing your throat, as if to keep from swallowing a mouthful of liquid, until you can almost feel the K place. Your throat should be only partially constricted.
-Tense the muscles around the K place.
-Gently push air through your partially constricted throat.
Practice saying Ra-Ra-Ra (where R = steps 4-6) every day. Tips:
-Try not to think of this letter as an R. The French R is nothing like the English R (pronounced in the middle of the mouth) or the Spanish R (pronounced in the front of the mouth). The French R is pronounced in the throat.
-The French R sounds a lot like the ch in 'Loch Ness' and the kh in Arabic transcription (e.g., Khalid).
Arabic is not a living language like English. Like French, it too is a dead language. L'Academie Francoise prevents French from growing by retarding her development by putting alcohol in her feeding tube and carbon monoxide in her respirator. Donc Defense de Change !
 L'exactitude effective de cet article est absolument indiscutable. ~ Osquar Wilde |
And let's not forget, if you are a male, not of French-speaking origin, and you decide to take French, you are certainly a faggot. If you are not convinced, think of all the guys you knew in college who took French AS A MAJOR and name one you would feel safe being in the shower with after a rough game of soccer. Funny, I can't think of any either. If someone took French as either a minor or simply took a couple introductory classes, they are most likely not homos, but simply had to conform to some pinky, communist college rule that said they had to take a second or third foreign language.
In French, the word 'douche' means shower. You however, are still a douche for never showering in the first place.
