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In musicology, a French horn is a musical instrumental device which continues to defy all musical (and French) logic. It is known as the "metrosexual" instrument for being in both brass groups and the woodwind quintet. The French horn is known to sound incredibly awesome and beautiful. Many have reported as breaking down in tears after hearing one in person. Although many are jealous of the horn, they are mostly baritone players angry their instrument doesn't matter. French Horn players, however, have developed a reputation in middle school concert bands as being obnoxious, loud, and not hitting their pitches. This is due to the fact that they can't tell the difference between their asshole and the mouthpiece; this can lead to a series of medical problems. Aside from that, they can usually be found picking their nose, or their stand partner's, as well as looking flustered, like a deer in the headlights. Despite the fact that they are the most difficult brass instrument ever invented, the French Horns are commonly known for their abilty to outplay any other brass instrument in said instrument's range.
French Horn players
The Pro: This player of the section is the real reason why the French horns are included in bands. They are typically extremely handsome and good in bed. They also usually have quite a big solo in one or more pieces, and play it with maximum volume, and ferocity.
The Average: While not as outstandingly awesome and mindblowingly talented as The Pro, these players are still utterly fucktastic. Generally they support the entire band, getting solos every now and then just to prove that they are better than those goddamn trumpet and alto sax players.
The Douche: This player is the scourge of the horn section. He always thinks he's better looking than he is, and he always overblows and thinks he can hit high notes, and usually can't play for toffee. However, he's normally pretty damn good at offbeats, since he's always playing 4th Horn. There aren't many of these players around, as they're quite feckless and usually get killed and eaten by the tromboners.
The Guy With Lots of Natural Talent Who Doesn't Give a Shit: Even though this horn player has developed a natural skill to play amazingly well (making the other chairs very jealous), he does not care in showing up to sectionals, pep band, or even other rehearsals. However, the band director will never kick such person out, because he knows that he needs him.
The Guy with No Natural Talent Who Doesn't Give a Shit Unlike the guy with lots of natural talent who doesn't give a shit, this horn player has NO natural skill. He tends to be the funniest guy however, and we all love him anyways for playing the french horn.
The Awesome One: Is awesome, do not disagree with her or steal her solos, lest you feel her wrath.
The Badass: This girl outdoes every other player in the brass section by force of sheer sex and cultured intelligence. Usually can at least hold her own against the best of the male hornists, and often outplays them. This may just be a side effect of the fact that they have been dazzled by her pure attractiveness, as everybody knows that horn women are hot.
The Girly Girl: She picked this instrument because she thought it was pretty. Enough said. Much like the Douche, there are few around due to large numbers being eaten alive by predatory Tuba players in infancy.
The High-and-Mighty: This girl believes she can play 80x better than you, because she started ON HER OWN. Meanwhile, she tells everyone how she plays 45868146 instruments and is great at every one, when in reality she is balls at all of them. Specimen is generally one year older than You, and will make sure you remember it. The only solution is to either kill, or fill her mouthpiece with ora-gel. Numb playing is no playing, bitch.
The One that Doesn't Improve: Every horn section has at least one of these. She attends every sectional and rehearsal, but it simply doesn't work out. Often ex-flute players or woodwind players.
NOTE: Female French Horn players are known to be naturally loud in song, speech and playing, therefore they will be given played solos as well as ALL the scream solos (i.e. Jaws section of John Williams Collection unless of course a girl trumpet wants it than they have no chance).
The Structure and History of the French Horn
After countless years of neglect, the monstrous entanglement of the horn that the French attempted to invent themselves was a total, complete and utter failure. However, it inspired the invention of the modern aluminium baseball bat.
Nobody quite knows where the original inspiration design of today's French horn actually comes from; prototype blueprints were discovered in Outer Mongolia dating from 758 B.C. However, when experts at CERN tried to reconstruct it, it resulted in a black hole singularity that threatened to destroy the universe, and this is why the Hadron Collider looks like it is made out of cannibalized French Horns.
It is as yet unknown why exactly horns are so well adapted to playing offbeats.
Commandments of Playing French Horn
- Thou art destined to be with clarinet players, for they are lost loves.
- To show that thy instrument is indeed the best, proceed to showing the low brass that thou canst play in their range. Then quickly proceed to showing up the trumpets in the high octaves.
- If thou art playing less than FFFFFF, thou art wrong.
- When warming up, make sure thou randomly squeel'st notes never written.
- Thou must perform "American Overture" while playing FFFFFFFF.
- Thou must not mingle with saxes. For they are far beneath thee.
- Thou must memorize Mozart. For He is God, and His work the Bible.
- When thy conductor says "bring out the moving lines", thy half notes are STILL more important.
- Thou must always play with epic air. Anything less makes thou a trumpet, and a poor one at that.
- Thou art never "support" to a soloist, but rather the only interesting thing going on.
- Thy solo NEVER needs backup. If it does, thou art not playing well enough.
- If backup is written in the score, thou may'st bitchslap the composer.
- Dump thy spit into trumpet cases, or flutes if thou wantest a good laugh.
- Thou must be arrogant. For thou art required in every type of ensemble (Band, brass choir, woodwind choir, orchestra, etc)
- Horn women are hot, and should be worshiped.
- Ugly horn women are actually trumpet players in disguise. Kill them and dispose of the bodies. There are no such things as Ugly Horn Women. Only beautiful ladies.
- If thy conductor proceeds to make the horn players play offbeats, thou must pwn said offbeats and then complain loudly about how the trombones and trumpets never seem to get them right.
- Horn rips are written when the composer had nothing better for you to do. FFFFFF is bare minimum.
- Thou must respect thy 4th players. For whilst they may not be as good as thou art, they are playing horn. Without them, thou hast no backup.
- Thou must laugh at flute players for they think they play an important instrument
- Thou shalt play whole notes louder than the tubas, for thou art better.
- Thou shalt make friends with the trombones. When world domination occurs, they are by far the best bet for slave labor.
- Thou mustn't worship the euphoniums for they are unimportant.
- Thou shalt come in loudly, even if thou comest in on the wrong partial.
- Thou shalt hate Sousa, for he is the devil.
- Russian composers will make thee go low. Thou must be prepared to be the root for the tubas.
- Thou mustn't refer to thyself as "French Hornist"...or anything with "French" in it...for thou art not gay.
- Thou must always sound like pure sex whilst playing.
- Thou shalt have a social life.
- Thou shalt harmonize parts whenever it pleases thee.
- Thou shalt spend 30 minutes preparing thy instrument for playing, and even longer when it needs bathing.
- Thou shalt make companions of bassoonists, for this is how it has been since time began.
- Thou must be thy band director's favorite.
- Thou must be louder than the alto saxophones.
- Thou must avoid talking to all forms of saxophones, for they are inferior.
- If thou mess up, blame it on the alto saxophones.
- If the conductor tells you to play anything that's not at a FFFFFF, fart on him/her.
- Thou shalt blast louder if the altos sit behind thou, for thou must not hear the ungodly shit that they play.
- Thou shalt do octaves during warm ups.
- Thou must show thine contempt for alto saxophones for they play the horn part with inferior tone, not that thou can hearest them anyways.
- Thou shalt always play any optional high notes, for they are not optional.
Rivalry With Trumpet
It is a hardly known but totally true fact that the French Horn is in fact the polar opposite of the Trumpet. For years they have waged war on one another, constantly trying to enslave and sell the other to small town band classes for profit.
This rivalry was caused many years ago when the trumpets mocked the French Horns for being totally lame and unknown amongst the band (although the Euphoniums felt even more depressed because they were not even recognized as being unknown). The French Horns then proceeded to outplay the trumpet in question through the means of offbeats, transposition, and epic melodic countermelodies (the trumpets couldn't decide what to do besides stacatto impact moments). Since this day, trumpets and horns have fought to be the better of all the brass. To this day, trumpets still can not keep up with the horn.
In an odd twist of fate, the Trumpets and French Horns did have a one-night stand about 210 years ago in Berlin. The result was "the demon-spawn," also known as the "Mellophone."
One key note of worth on the rivalry in the trumpet and horn rivalry involves their playing styles. While it is a well known fact that trumpets are used to introduce all important events in history, the horn is the instrument that will play during said events. This leads to the arguement of which is better, the introducer or the instrument that creates the epicness of the event. With this rivalry aside, french hornists usually date trumpeters.
Friends in the Band
Despite the fact that oboists and bassoonists play inferior instruments (yet claim that their instruments are the hardest to play) Horn players must befriend these people. No one knows why this strange phenomenon occurs, but it does. Trombones and tubas are only useful when the horns are busy showing the trumpets up on their own part, but, considering this happens a lot, they are good people to keep around. Horn players should never, ever, befriend a trumpet player, or a single reed woodwind player, for they are all inferior.Euphonium players are ok, and horns are known for mating with them and their transcendtal sexual experienceness, the products of these mating rituals usually end up playing french horn, trombone, and the occasional tuba, so be warned fellow horn player.
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