French horn

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In musicology, a French horn is a musical instrumental device which continues to defy all musical (and French) logic. It is known as the metrosexual instrument for being in both brass groups and the woodwind quintet.

It is known to sound incredibly awesome and beautiful. Many have reported as breaking down in tears after hearing one in person. Although many are jealous of the horn, they are mostly euphonium players angry their instrument doesn't matter.

French horns are often regarded as being the only section who cares about the band earning the hate of all brass instruments especially tubas who will always blast to cover up the sound of a french horn solo.

[edit] The Horn ("French horn" is a slang name)

In 1903, the first French horn was accidentally constructed inside the Eiffel Tower as the result of an experimental plumbing project gone horribly wrong. After many false starts, a vast army of foreign-exchange Italian plumbers were forced to improvise, since they weren't very good at reading blueprints written entirely in French. Within a matter of days, many of the construction crew members were irretrievably lost inside a multidimensional labyrinth of their own stomach-churning creation.

After countless years of neglect, the monstrous entanglement of piping and shower-head attachments was finally extracted from the tower (mostly in one piece) and sold by President François Mitterrand to the Iraqi Philharmonic Orchestra under the pretense of "cultural exchange" (along with a complimentary package of enriched uranium pellets). To this day, secret CIA agents swear they can still hear the muffled Italian screams of plumbers resonating within the shattered remnants of the infrastructure of Baghdad ("Armi di distruzione totale! Armi di distruzione totale!")

The horn that the French attempted to invent themselves was a total, complete failure. However, it inspired the invention of the modern aluminium baseball bat.

[edit] Today's ultramodern French horn

Meanwhile, the original French horn has since been redesigned and streamlined for use in today's ultramodern music-making industry, and now consists of thousands of nautical miles of aluminium tubing bent and twisted into a hyper-demiensional Gordian knot that can be easily held in the palm of your hand. The instrument's soft and eerie atonal qualities are the result of compressed air being forced through a local space-time inversion, causing some of the air to enter an infinite loop and the rest of it to transform into an equivalent mass of gooey saliva which splatters all over the place. Each of the 88 valves serves to reconfigure the internal pathways in such a way as to quantumly-entangle various intersecting streams of air and saliva, which collectively decohere into beautiful musical notes only when an appreciative audience is present.

[edit] The French horn in mathematics

In 2003, the bizarre topological properties of the French horn was successfully used by Andrew Wiles to solve formerly intractable NP-complete problems in logarithmic time, such as the travelling salesman problem and Fermat's Unfinished Symphony.

[edit] Stereotypical French horn players

The stereotypical French horn player is quite atypical (especially compared to non-French musicians). There are so many varieties of their personality and personal anatomy; for example, you might have an Indian who knows far too much about computers or a hippie who just wants to get high or maybe a big, hairy guy who sweats too much. The point is, a French horn player can be any person with an excessively odd personality, and, paradoxically, doesn't even have to be French. Despite this, all French horn players, upon meeting, are instantly best friends. It is also not entirely uncommon to find French horn players with thick luxurious mustaches, even among the women. French horn players have also been found to be smarter, cooler, and much better in bed than your average bear. However, caterpillars still maintain that they come out 'on top' of said French horn players in every conceivable aspect of the term. A French horn player is known to have the highest I.Q. of all the band members. French Horn players also have extremely big egos, often backed up with even more ego and no solid evidence of their "greatness".

For every one person that can play the French Horn, there are at least 16 others who cannot but think they can; the ratio of exceptional players to awful players is relatively unbalanced. French Horn is an instrument that unless perfected typically does more harm then good in an ensemble. It is not uncommon for the Horns to come in on a unison part all playing on different partials. Horn players are most noted for their ability to play notes on the offbeats, something that many composers picked up on and as a result horn players will play mostly play only on the offbeats with an occasional solo to protect that players ego and allow them to believe that they are a important and contributing member of the band.

[edit] Commandments of Playing French Horn

1. Thou are always right. Always. 2. To show thy instrument is indeed thy best, proceed to showing the low brass that thy can play in their range. Then quickly proceed to showing up the trumpets in the high octaves. 3. If thou are playing with less than FFFFFF, thou be wrong. 4. When warming up, make sure thou randomly squeels notes never written. 5. Thou mustn't mingle with saxes. For they are thy volume backups and musn't feel important. 6. Thou must memorize Mozart. For he is god, and his work the bible. 7. When the conducter says bring out the moving lines, thous half notes are STILL more important. 8. Thou must always play with epic air. Anything less makes though a trumpet. 9. Thou is never "support" to a soloist, but rather the only interesting thing going on. 9b. Thy solo NEVER needs backup. If it does, thy is not playing well enough. 9c. If backup is written in the score, thy may dickslap the composer. 10. Dump thy spit into the woodwind players' cases. 11. Thou may be arrogant. For thy is required in every type of ensemble (Band, brass choir, woodwind choir, orchestra, sex orgy, etc) 12. Horn women are hot, and should be worshiped. 13. Ugly horn women are actually trumpet players in disguise. 14. Horn rips are written to cover up the rest of the ensemble. FFFFFFF is bare minimum. 15. Thy must respect thy 4th players. For whilst they may not be as good as thou is, they are playing horn. 16. Thy shall play whole notes louder than the tubas, for thou is better. 17. Thou shall make friends with the trombones. When world domination occurs, they are the best bet for slave labor. 18. Thou must make fun of the euphoniums for being unimportant. 19. Thou shall remind females of how thy holds thy horn. 20. If thy section is ever in unison, that is the cue to obliterate the sound of the rest of the band. 21. Respect thy elder horn players, for they frack less. 22. Thy shall come in loudly, even if thou comes in on the wrong partial. 23. Sousa is the devil. 24. Russian composers will make thou go low. Thou must be prepared to be the root for the tubas. 25. Thou mustn't refer to thyself as "french hornist"...or anything with french in it...for thou is not gay. 26. Thou must always sound like sex whilst playing. 27. Thou must have a social life, or thou will be required to switch to trombone. 28. Thou will harmonize parts whenever it pleases thou. 29. Thou will spend 30 minutes preparing thy instrument for playing. 30. Thou will never be in tune with his/her section(French Horns).

[edit] Rivalry With Trumpet

It is hardly known but totally true fact that the French Horn is in fact the polar opposite of the Trumpet. For years they have waged war on one another, constantly trying to enslave and sell the other to small town band classes for profit.

This rivalry was caused many years ago when the trumpets mocked the French Horns for being totally lame and unknown amongst the band (although the Euphoniums felt even more depressed because they were not even recognized as being unknown). The French Horns countered with the fact that they were so melodious, they could beat the Trumpets and their irresponsible habits any day of the week. The Trumpets were indignant. In an odd twist of fate, the Trumpets and French Horns did have a one-night stand about 210 years ago in Berlin. The result was "the demon-spawn," also known as the infamous "Mellophone."