French Stewart

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French Stewart, in the controversial role as a fat cow.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about French Stewart.

Milton Stewart (born Feb. 20, 1964) better known as, "The French," is a popular actor/thespian who has appeared in many movies and TV shows. He has won 21 Academy Awards. He has inspired many people to act including Neil Armstrong quoting, "He is fucking genius. I wish he was there when I walked on the moon. GENIUS!!!" Not one to turn down controversial roles, such as the movie Love Fucking Stinks.

edit Early Life

When French Stewart was young, his family were called "Circus Freaks." They all worked in the circus and Milton (known only as "The One Who Barks") was forced to go to school dressed up as a clown. He then got a job helping a urine farmer but left because there was too much piss.

By the time he hit college he decided to work in dramatic arts. He studied at The School Known For Teaching French Stewart. According to students and teachers, the last play he did made the director have a heart attack. When asked why he replied,"He's going places!" The director then died 3 hours later of an overdose. He got a role on Third Black Rock from the Sun as A Hippie Bastard.

edit Career

Quoted by Steven Spielberg as being," inspiration for acting today," French Stewart has had a very good career. The French had many small TV roles before getting his standout role, for which the Academy Awards decided to give him multiple Oscars for one role because of how good he was, as he played Marv in Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House A.K.A. The Greatest Movie Ever. According to That Bald Guy Who Looks Familiar, "everyone one the set was fascinated by him. He had a way of acting that would make UnBooks:My Pal Stanley Kubrick mad he didn't get him for a movie.

After that, everyone wanted him for their movies. One year later he got a role as Inspector Gadget in Inspector Gadget 2 after Ferris Bueller called the director of the first movie a goddamn son of a horse. They fired him and got The French to replace him. The production got rushed and then out of no where,Charlie Sheen steals the footage of the movie. They had to start all over losing the original actors,(Gary Oldman as Claw, and Natalie Fuckman as French's partner.) It was finally released as a direct to DVD video. They decided to give the little money they had made off of it to French because of how inspiring he was on set.

The French stared in a controversial role in Love Fucking Stinks. Directed by David Fincher, The French stars as a secretly gay man who farts on women for money. But in a twist ending, he turns out to be a refrigerator. Some critics raved that the movie stepped over the line but other think it was a stroke of genius. In the famous scene where Stewart farts on Martha Stewart, being a method actor, farted real farts. Daniel Day Louis (off set at the catering eating a doughnut) started crying because he was so inspired.

Many roles had to be turned down due to scheduling conflicts. Gareth Edwards planned on The French playing the role of Joe Brody, but couldn't due to scheduling conflicts with the TV show,Mom. Gareth, thinking his movie could never meet his original vision stopped production on the movie. Finally he decided to get That Guy Who Played The Dad On Malcolm In The Middle. Gareth Edwards said he would never like the film for that reason. As a dedication, Gareth modeled Godzilla to look like him.

edit Personal Life

The French married A Girl He Found At An AA Meeting. He bought her sixteen zoos but had to sell them because of his sexual interest in the animals. She died after jumping off a bridge trying to save her copy of Home Alone 4 that fell.

During his spare time, when he isn't being called up constantly for roles, he enjoys drinking scotch with his 73 cats and 25 horses while watching old "Nazi Propaganda Films." Reportedly, the cast from Third Black Rock From The Sun tried to give him an intervention for his scotch addiction but ended up doing cocaine together, playing Russian roulette(where John Lithgow ended up shooting himself,) and then going to kill a bunch of chickens.

edit List of Shows The French Has Won Awards For

  • The New Pimp In Cincinnati - The French plays a prostitute who tries to have sex on air with a DJ.
  • Seinfeld - The French plays Jerry who goes throughout different situations with his friends in New York, until Jerry sets off an atomic bomb killing everyone.
  • Zeke and Luther - In arguably the best episode of a very controversial show, The French cameos as the Devil, and kills Zeke, leaving Luther to die alone.
  • Mom - Currently, The French is playing an asshole who has sex with his staff, then fires them, hires new ones, and starts all over again. RATED TV-MA

edit List of Movies The French Has Won Oscars For

  • Stargate(A.K.A. Planet of the Cats) - Set in 2089, after the world has been destroyed, The French travels through space to find the last known bag of Cool Ranch Doritos ever produced. When he gets there, Cats have taken over. Will he find his way home, or become a sex slave to his once pet Rufy?
  • Love Fucking Stinks - The French plays a gay men who farts on women.
  • Home Alone 4 - When The French robs the house of Barack Obama, he accidentally kills him and takes the place of him without anyone suspecting. But how long can he keep the black makeup on?
  • Inspector Gadget 2 - The French teams up with a new robot detective to find Claw. At the climatic ending, Claw gets away and French and his partner plan to get him, until French accidentally kills her. He stares at her dead body in shock as the screen cut to black.
  • Duck - The French changes gears from comedy to drama as he plays a man who falls in love with a duck.
  • Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 - The French plays a chihuahua that accidentally starts the apocalypse.
  • The Muppets - When someone is going to shut the Muppets down, they team up with The French to kill him.

edit Death

French Stewart supposedly died in a 7/11 trying to get 69 packs of Twizzlers. When the store clerk said no, The French got hostile and the clerk shot him. He woke up three days later with permanent brain damage. He will be stupid the rest of his life.

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