French Military
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“No they're on your side”
~ The Germans on the French
“NO they're on your side”
~ The Allies on the French
“Since when did France of all nations have an army? It's like giving an army to a gay pride parade, the tear gas comes and the hands go up and white flags are everywhere”
~ Nikolas Sarkozy
“They could save a lot of money if they stopped paying people to surrender.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the French
The French Military, historically refered to as "Cheese-eating, wine guzzling, soap dodging, mutiny Monkeys", are an embarrisingly poor fighting force made up compositely of dirt farmers and men who wear perfume, as such it is widely agreed in the military world that it is far better to have the whole world against you than a french division behind you for several of reasons.General Schwarzkopf said "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordian. All you leave behind is a load of noisy baggage".
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[edit] History
Suprisingly France, being the leader in 'millitary tatics', have actually only won one war. This war was called the French Revolution (civil war) The two french forces at the time had a bit of an argument, threw some wine at each other then proceeded to do the 'French thing' and run away. This war lasted years untill the leader of one of the armies got so scared during the cheese eating surrender battle that he ran away, only to fall off a cliff. Therefore to this day the French have only won one war and was only just able to barley beat themselves.
[edit] Pre WWI
Before World War One France revelled in it's supposed empirical prowess despite being unable to defeat any of it's powerful neighbors. Led by a peculiar midget called Napoleon Dynamite. during his reign the French revelled in gloriious morale boosting defeats to name a few:
- Waterloo
Some historians claim that Napoleon had his pictures altered to portray him as a taller or more powerful seeming character, but from this picture it is obvious these claims are lies .
- Battle of the Nile
- Trafalgar
- Mauritius 1809)
- Agincourt
- Caen(1347)
- Barfleur
- Crecy
- Peninsular Campaign
- Blenheim
- Ramillies
- The battle of Mutiny bridge
But these times sadly changed as a British man who had lost his arm and an eye pointed his spork (which some believe was the first ever recorded existence of the god like artifact) in the general direction of France, which was promptly followed by the surrender of Napoleons forces. Napoleon was not present for this as he was in Russia and found that it was fucking freezing there and ended up getting beaten by the antagonist of Rocky 4. In recent years historians have come to agree that Napoleons tactics of using the French to invade Russia was one of his largest mistakes as science proves that mutiny is ten times more likely in cold, hot or any conditions.
[edit] WWI
France, having not been occupied by another country or had a mutiny in about a month, decided to claim that Germany had several tons of grade-A depleted unfunnium in its possession. They spent three months sending propaganda to the UN full of absurdly unreasonable reasoning by Monsieur George W. Bush. The constant goading by the mutineers didn't go unnoticed by ze Germans, and the initial French attack resulted in inevitable, hilarious defeat. Soon, more respectable countries were forced to fight the unfunny Germans out of the sheer embarrassment the felt when they saw the French running away with their mutiny monkey tails between their legs.
After a couple of months of fighting, and mutinies and hilarious balls-up on the part of the French, the Allies won, and the Germans were threatened with severe Chinese burns until they signed the Treaty of Screw You, Losers.
After the war, France spent the equavalent of billions of dollars to construct an ellaborate series of trenches to prevent another hostile takeover. Unfourtunatly, in WWII the Germans used the completely unheard of and genius military tactic of going around them.
[edit] WWII
Yet Again the French insulted the Germans by going up to their border at night and moving the fencing out to gain more ground. The war was bitter and cold and on October 22, 1940 after several failed mutinies they Fought the Nazis into submission. On October 23, 1940 it was revealed that they had surrendered and taken up refuge in a wine cellar, the Nazis choose not to attack as it was too embarrassing. The spent the rest of the war in hiding.
[edit] Iraq War
Contrary to popular belief France were behind the Iraq war from the beginning and had offered 98% of it's army to the war on terror, but were turned down by the Allied forces because they knew it would end in tears, "mostly ours of laughter" said Operations Commander Koprah Comander. In defiance of their High school equivalent knockback the French collectively mutinied and coninued to not wash as a form of protest.
[edit] The Present
The French military today functions on a rank system based on who can gloat the most and surrender with least amount of an ass kicking, commanding as of January 2008, the commander is General Gloa'tar P. Spineless. Oddly enough, the only good thing ever done by France was the sinking of the Rainbow Warrior, bitch-boat of the gaywads at Greenpeace.
[edit] Composition
The total number of military personnel is approximately 659,000, although approximately 100,000 of these are actully French, the rest are the foreign legion, made up of outcasts of other countries who were deported or left in a hurry, notable future prospects are George W. Bush, Jade Goody and Rosie O'Donnell.
The French have taken on the assumption that in the world of war if they cannot be feared for their power they will be envied for their fashion sense hence the new fatigues called the males combat 69.
[edit] La Technique du Forfait
La Technique du Forfait, literally 'The Tactic of Surrender" is a French military policy drafted for the first time in 1938 and brought into force in 1940, just in time for Hitler's invasion of France. The document follows:
"La France devrait conserver une tapageuse et irritante armée et toujours remise. Refusant de céder n'est pas très français chose à faire. Français gens devraient toujours remise, même les uns aux autres."
Translated, the document reads:
"France should keep a boisterous and irritating army and always surrender. Refusing to surrender is not a very French thing to do. French people should always surrender, even to each other."
Despite only being a few lines long, the work is often heiled (hailed up until 1941) as the longest document the French have ever got off their arses to write. The next largest, the French constitution is slightly shorter and contains roughly the same content as The Tactic of Surrender.
Of course, the people of France, including the so called "troops" do not really need to refer to the policy, since surrender comes totally naturally to anyone of French origin.
[edit] Equipment
Standard equipment is considered "cutting edge" in the war on elderly and school girls:
- Alizee
- White Flag
- Lillac man purse
- Fine cheese assortment
- White Flag
- Back-up white flag
- Pink linen tent
- Wine
- 'Amburgers
- Back-up back-up white flag
- Nerf gun
- Empty(mandatory at all times) wash bag
- Superted!
- 23 inch gold-plated dildo
[edit] The Future
Scientist have come to a startling discovery that due to France being pompous, gloating morons France and its military will implode due to its own arrogance or perhaps due to worldwide invasion. It is also proven by the fact that the land France is situated on has slowly lowered due to heavy shelling due to the wars France has claimed to be in along with the weight France has collectively put on by eating everything within the borders alive or inanimate. As of 2008, France is 1.3 miles below sea level, 0.7 miles more than 1908, further proving the theory. In outrage to this theory the French promptly decided to mutiny in defiance.
