Freewebs
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Freewebs is the kind of profitable organization that would undoubtedly bring you great pleasure to invest in, and may even turn you a profit if making money on investments is your game. It was created in 2001 and so far it has done a remarkable job in bringing pleasure to the millions of people who have yet to touch a computer; unlike the 'members' it has allowed to grope the intricacies of its systems. The founders are Haroon Mokhtarzada and Zeki Mokhtarzada, a pair of perfectly genetically modified brothers bred in the lab, two slices of the same loaf, as it were. The staff consists of the following:
- Dictator: Shervin Pishevar
The staff indulge themselves as slaves to the dictator of Freewebs, a figure so mysterious in the source of his power that he has been the subject of a number of international research projects.
The business profile indicates that there are a total of twenty (20) websites hosted by this organization. Visit them somewhere else.
Contents |
[edit] The New Freewebs
During the early years of this fine organisation, before they lost the 'third' founder in a strange, late-night accident involving a server and a printout of the system program, the opening message was an innocent "Welcome to Freewebs, the free yet best web host!"
With a new line up in the management tier, including an irrelevant new front man, it now screams a fresh message in your face: "WELCOME TO THE FREEWEBZ helppp gett mee outaa here..."
Personally I find this more comforting, don't you feel the same way?
[edit] Creating an account
Of course you don't need to, please, it's a great world out there with so many things to emnrich your life with, people you have not yet met only because you decided to stay in... But if you really want to find out if you are made of the kind of substance that will amaze your friends, if you have any after undergoing this experience, you have to go there by yourself. Don't think that you can ask a friend for assistance, everyone's experience is different since they start by infinitely changing the way you sign in. Ignore your buddy's advice, they are only bitter that they failed and that you still have a chance to successfully hold your personality together. Anyway, anyone who has tried is no one's buddy, they can't have buddies, they have lured you this far in the hope that their hell can be alleviated by your pain. Stop. Go back before it is too late. You don't have to do this.
So leave this damn paragraph and go on to the next one.
[edit] The Home Page
www.freewebs.com is actually members.freewebs.com. But, like all users soon discover, there are only two domain names that your site can have, so don't think you can complain about this being unfair, nobody said that Freewebs had to be fair. But for old time's sake, buddy, let's just memorize one. One of the BEST FreeWeb sites, The Pigmie Club official site, has even been endorsed by the actual creator of this "encyclopedia", or possibly the only page on Freewebs: Content-free hell-hosting).
So if you are desperate to have a site... go somewhere else besides Freewebs.
You ready to continue, buddy? You also want an account and to suffer!!. Hmmm, buddy, you are desperate, still can't get over your sixth grade teacher preferring the kid next to you, huh?
[edit] The Freewebs Blog
You get to get a whole new post every pi days. The post usually says "Heh, buster, have we got something that's gonna have your panties around your ankles in a twinkle. Man, you will want this on your site, your gonna freak everyone out and drive your visitors insane - again! Just like we said last week!" The comments are usually just crap and insult the <fine organisation, fall-to-your-knees> Freewebs for the enlightened work that they fail to do.
[edit] Your account homepage
When you sign in, buddy, you are taken step-by-step through a series of moving bars (and, buddy, they will sure move you to tears). After a rapid 45 minutes, you will advance to your main page, to much harking of herald angels singing, and there you will discover the Quick Links, which actually take more time to open than you have time left on this beaten planet that you once thought of as home, a link to your guestbook of no signatures and the Freewebs blog. This blog is going to kill you, buddy, it is so honest, listing all the cool things that they promise they do to make your experience on this ball a more remarkable event. There is a bunch of other choices that do credit to the Freewebs Model of Life, and these include the all-conquering Layouts. Layouts are simple steps to a new life on the internet, once you have mastered the fourteen steps of Tharg and are able to quote verbatim the Liturgy of the Final Disciples. Then you will learn where everything is and end the long years of torture that is the trap of the lesser being, buddy, but I can see that you have the marks of a future master, a layout Lazurus, the final Severine Programacus.
[edit] Site Manager
Welcome to the place where you can see all that you have created in all its glory, buddy, work by which you will be known in all four corners of your bedroom and several random locations that the web has yet to reach. You may even may even see in your early work the godhead, the Fount of What is to Become, buddy.
Take a deep breathe, buddy, because in a vertical direction I wish to keep to myself for a moment more, buddy, all for the sake of timing, is a list of options that will become yours to achieve once you have become enmeshed in this service. OK, I give you a clue, it's below:
- Guestbook: This is pointless because no one but you and your estranged auntie will sign it.
- An album: This is where you put all of those embarrassing pictures of all that porn that anyone will be able to view and help give the internet the bad name it has - once they stop laughing, that is.
- Feedback form: This is greatest achievement of Mankind, a method of voluntarily committing cyber suicide as you choose to fill your email account with spam and the mutterings of the interminally insane / other Freeweb users.
- A profile: This is mainly for crackers to track you down. Be prepared for people to stop by your house to laugh.
- Forums: Although generating no more incoming than your Guestbook, this will at least take a lot more effort on your part to set up correctly, buddy.
You can create a blog, buddy, stating everything that you think of that you love about Freewebs, making this one of the most practical uses of Freewebs since this will take no time at all. However, serious lost souls have been known to use their blog as a kind of cry for help, the last lucid moments of their rapidly disintegrating minds.
You can also start a page from scratch, you know how the world needs more blank pages because they are the only ones you can trust not to lie to you.
[edit] The site editor
When you create a page, you can do many things:
- You can create another content box or a new one, depending on if you want to spend the rest of your day with trying to cram everything into one minuscule content box.
- You can also create an image but that's pointless if you have an album.
- A video is something that you will need if you want to bore the visitors to death.
- A link to a new page is recommended because then you can get out of your site and into a new one, say Uncyclopedia?
- A widget is a little thing that is showing all the little things that are happening in the world.
- You can change the font into another crappy font.
- You can change the size of fonts but you are limited to font size 1.
- Bold, italic and underline are there just to bore you on how horrible they look.
- You can add background music from Weird Al.
There is nothing else really that you can do, besides spam.
That is all the limited fun that can happen.
[edit] Smilies
They only have twenty. No custom smilies.
[edit] Templates
Most of the templates relate to death and high mortgage rates.
There is also people that are creating new templates every single minute. They are just deleted because Freewebs has decided that it isn't worth it to create happiness.
[edit] Your Domain Name
Your domain name is going to freak you out. It is www.*******.webs.com or www.freewebs.com/*********. You used to be able to have 20.
Below are the ones that went way:
- www.freewebs.webs.******.com
- www.assholewebhoster.********.com
- www.fw.*******.com
- www.fw.com/*****
- www.freewebs.webs.asshole_web_server.killme.********.com (this one was the one used most until it was removed by an unknown hacker in the middle of Europe stating that "Freewebs Rocks!!" Of course, this guy was an asshole)
[edit] Premium
For a price of $200, you can get a bigger account! This means's that all of your pages will be deleted because going on Premium just gives you more bandwidth.
[edit] Community
This is where people can locate you and track you down, then capture you in the middle of the night. Have fun!
[edit] Swearing
One of the best fucking parts about Freewebs is that you get to swear the hell out of your shoutbox. In their blog, your blog, guestbook, other sites, the shoutboxes, sometimes the widgets... all that shit. Making the world a better place!
[edit] Your Account
This is where you can (yes!) delete your crappy old site and never see it again! (please, don't attempt another one!)
This is when you celebrate by swearing your ass off to the Mokhtarzada mofo bros during the deletion. Have fun!
