Freemasons

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 12:30, April 23, 2013 by SPIKE (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Mason

The holiest symbol of Freemasonry: One Eye dumb Pyramid. Seen that before?

“In my first draft of The Hobbit, Gandalf was a transvestite Freemason-but the publishers didn't feel comfortable with that. Mind you, Aragorn was obviously a daisy.”
~ J.R.R. Tolkien on Freemasonry

The Freemasons were founded in 1163 A.D. by Thomas 'Elsie' Elliot and Sidney 'Vera' Thornton, disgruntled bricklayers from Hull, England. In 12th Century England, transvestism was less widely accepted than nowadays and since the guilds had cathedral contracts pretty well sown up, forming their own association seemed a natural solution to their predicament. These days, equality being what it is, transvestite builders are commonplace and may be seen on building sites throughout the land, climbing high ladders, falling off scaffolding, putting up crooked windows and getting their heads stuck in quick-drying cement, just like every other builder.

Elsie and Vera were of course burned at the stake, in full drag, allegedly screaming the chorus to Don't Cry For Me Argentina, on March 31st 1164. The charges against them were so numerous that the judge fell asleep while reading them and had to be roused by a small boy who lived beneath his hassock, called Wee Tim. It is said that all the builders in the land were present for the execution, and were seen to be jeering and throwing wet cement-cakes at the poor victims. So accurate was their aim that Elsie and Vera were not so much burnt as baked, as the cement hardened rapidly with the heat and encased the unfortunate pair from head to toe in a cement overcoat. Later their remains were hoisted to the roof of a nearby chip shop where they remained for some years, attracting a great many tourists and souvenir hunters.

"Goddamn, I love men." - The Creator of the Freemasons

Modern Freemasonry

Although transvestism is only one criterion for membership to the Freemasons, cement overcoats quickly fell out of favour, despite their huge ritual significance. Public burnings of members still take place weekly at the site of Elsie and Vera's chip shop in Bermondsey, London, and are well attended by members of the British Royal Family. They also love a good bit of ritual cock fighting.

The following is a verbatim quote from 'Talulah', the present Grand Pumpernickel, describing from an insider's point of view the innermost workings of the organisation:

"Most of members are consisted by Christianity so there are few rumors that we are trying to dominate the world. But it's fake, Coz we are stupid fucking bastards, we can't debate about politics, we can't think serious about Middle East war, we can't work and earn money. Our life is just masturbating forever, and we have no life, we have no money. So please take off that biased idea nigga." YMCMB Nigga!

Introduction to Alex Smiths Homosexual Attitude

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Freemasons.

The fucking wankers Freemasons was originally a secret agency that plans to control whole universe with money and s*** bricks. It was organized in 1668, with a help of former French president Napoleon Bonaparte and Jewish nerd David Ben Gurion. Both two has enough amount of companions to spread their malicious thought: they believe that money and capitalism, which are invented by Pharaoh, the former Egyptian president, could unite the world and it is the shortcut to create the World Government, known as "New World Order". So on the early days they were devoting themself solely to making a plan.

Here is their original plan that they tried to do so:

  1. Create a nation that we could stay safely.
  2. Create a nation that can gather money easily.
  3. Create an armageddon that could destroy the whole resistance swiftly.
  4. Spread our thought.
  5. Building walls and repointing brick work whilst wearing an apron and bowler hat.
  6. Striped Trousers must be worn at all times.
  7. Stab their friends in the back and ruin their lives.

But the thing turned down in 1760, when a man named Charlie Chaplin entered the association. He thought that sex is the faster way to unite the world, so he gathered some men would follow him and created an element of Freemasonry. It called Free Masons. Chaplin and his followers quickly invented Playboy magazine that became a trigger of industrial revolution. People started to work hard to gain the magazine, and they didn't maintain the old traditions which exploited by Freemasons anymore.

It was at the same time when Freemasons were troubled with it's deficit. Freemasons gave up their old ideas, and granted Free Mason's world vision. They started to developing some new type of technologies that can masturbate much quicker but much hornier, just as bikini for making women much more hot, Youtube for spreading adult videos, and corrupted Disney Channel known as Adult Disney Channel, that broadcasting porn movies featuring famous disney characters such as Cinderella and Minnie Mouse. Oscar Wilde Says Freemasons use secret hypnosis tricks such as suggestion first, then link to mammalic instincts induction afterwards. Rumors say, secret stealing - benefiz parties take place every week. It has also been confirmed that Freemason's are indeed connected to the illuminati and conspire to establish a new world order in which the world population is cut down to half a million, citizens are microchipped, and are watched 24/7.


No bricklayer can be free until all masons are free ~Bertolt Brecht

Our inventions

RonaldMcHitler

McDonald's hidden face.

Notable affiliates

  • Abdel Maguid
Vin-israel

Jewish American actor, Vin Diesel. His gay-porn movie 2 Fucked 2 Curious became hit among whole fucking world.

Snoop Dogg

Freemasonry are working in various areas. But no matter what they work on, they are in accordance of Freemason's policy: Spreading porn.

death

Bush with friend

Two Freemasons walking hand in hand.

See Also

Personal tools
projects