Freelancer (video game)
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“Its kinda like a giant sunflower garden”
“If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then Freelancer stole from SG-1”
“WTF! BILL GATES IS A RACIST”
“I uninstalled this game from my hard drive, but like a loser I reloaded it.”
Freelancer is Microsoft's way of getting back on the world for hating Windows 98. Bill gates sat quietly in his office pondering.....considering....thinking....until one day when he accidentally was looking at Afgani porn novels.
He thought, "What if I could create the most offensive and politically incorrect game imaginable"? Freelancer was born...
Satan goes to Hollywood
The incredible teams that would one day bring us Internet Explorer 8's porn mode and windows vista created 4 unique houses for Freelancer such as.
- Kusari: What if Japanese people upon going to space decided to fuck democracy in the ass and go back to the Shogan? Well, if you think all asian people squint and fly spaceships that look like bumblebees, Kusari are very accurate.
- Rheinland: These people include such talents as losing wars and failing to find a planet where the temperature gets above 0. Yet incredibly on all their frigid planets they have become the biggest producers of food! The Rheinlanders enjoy passtimes such as serving the Kaiser and hating Americans.
- Liberty: SPACE AMERICA! Do you like a place where you can have a trial without a jury yet the crime is so out of control that pirates control all shipping? Do you wanna get the worst ships in the game and fight the wimpiest NPCs? If you answered yes, they are for you!
- Bretonia: The Chimp's Tea time in New London still goes on, because the Queen of Bretonia, who somehow not only became a powerful leader (while being a woman) while overthrowing hundreds of years of democratic tradition, also never gets seen! We do know that she is a friend of Sarah Palin, who frequently invites her to play Lacross.
In addition to the houses, there are some random independent worlds no one gives a fuck about named after explorers. Also, in the human creative process that is locating an old name and repeating it, there are multiple "border worlds" with planets like Crete (which are full of Greek people!)
Finally, some random really cool organizations such as the Order were introduced in single player mode, but are totally worthless in open single player. This is Microsoft's way of punishing you for not pressing retry.
Freelancer offers an amazing variety of single player options such as...
- Trading! Too bad there's no point after the single player mission!
- Exploring! Too bad it takes hours without any real given objectives!
- Mining! Too bad it takes 5 hours to fill your hold!
- Piracy! Too bad its boring and dull!
And in addition, you can fly a wide variety of missions such as...
- Kill it!
- Kill it and his friends!
- Kill his friends!
- Kill it and take his escape pod!
- Kill it and take some loot!
- Did we mention kill it!
And the best part, is that EVERYONE sounds American. INCLUDING Americans.
The main form of currency in freelancer is scrap metal. Whenever you have any, a random AI will come and demand that you give it to him, so that he can spend it on chocolate. If you drop the scrap, he will say you are a wet chicken. If you don't, he will attack you and die because all AIs are Noobs. Trading consists mainly of flying back and forth the same way for years, in order to earn negligible amounts of this scrap. Which will then provide you with many more enlightening encounters of not so epic proportions.
The plot of this game involves some aliens shooting purple energy stuff at a space station and you being, for some reason, rushed from the border worlds to a hospital in the heartland of liberty. Then you meet Juni who gives you a shitty ship and a mission just as shitty.
Then you get shot on an "adventure" that is obviously a poorly designed "tour of sirius" to get the player to explore.
Then you buy a ship called the Anubis which can only be bought once and use it to kick ass for the rest of the game.
Morals Learned include lessons such as...
- Asian people are evil
- Astrophysics does not rule out 3 suns within 20km of each other.
- Pirates and other NPCs are so slow to react that you can avoid cargo scans by docking.
- Germans have fake accents....Always.
- No matter your past you can always fork up da cash for a clean slate.
- There is no jail.
- You are immortal.
- Aliens are always biomechanical and evil.
- Illegal aliens are also evil.
- NEVER TRUST A BRITISH DUDE
Inclusion of Aliens
What would any space sim be without aliens? Well, Microsoft decided that Aliens had to be blue and squishy. They also gave them the Go'uld power to make their eyes glow, and the use of ancient artifacts as weapons (more stargate). And the best part is they arrived in our galaxy through a massive stargate network!
Despite nearly taking over the galaxy and all of mankind, they were easily defeated once Edison Trent, the bastard you play, discovered they cant handle a door being opened. Yes, the final mission is you opening a door. This open door causes all of them to go wtfapeshit and fall back through into their homeworld.
Specs of a Nomad Fighter
- Shields: None - Nomads despite their advanced technology have no shields.
- Guns: Blaster Cannons - They use no energy and do a piss poor amount of damage.
- Handling: Nonexistant - Even the slowest turning fighters in the game can catch them!
Did we also mention that they have the ability to possess humans, like Go'uld, and use human slaves to do their bidding?
Discovery Freelancer, because this wasn't enough
As if this horrible ass rimming abomination wasn't bad enough, someone decided to pull out the dildo and fuck this dead horse another time. Although many mods for freelancer have been made, none have been as rancid as Discovery and Crossfire. But Discovery is the worst because, unlike most mods, you have to adhere to a strict moral standard of gayness called roleplay.
Discovery: This mod has shamelessly ripped off CCP's EVE Online, Battlestar Galactica, and France. Everyone on it is required to roleplay like a whiny little bitch about everything, despite the fact that 99% of people who play there don't want to. People only play there because they haz the biggezt serverz.
The most noticable change though is the addition of a French house. Gallia, as it is called, is possibly the most evil code ever devised. Gallia has the best NPCs, the best ships, the best guns, and the best planets. But roleplay restrictions won't let you take them anywhere.
Also, Discovery was unable to wtffail when faced with a denail of service attack from an angry modder who has obviously got a little sand in his vagina. Seriously, to break federal law in 3 countries to attack 6 servers because your pisses means you must have big massive coarse grains of sand of ur baby hole. (lolhewasmad)
While this guy, who wrote this, may have been lolwut mad, Discovery does have very many problems.
Powerhungry british admins, who have lost all patience, but probably not their virginity (never will) Peice of shit programming skills from silly little modders who have probably zero skill in the real world. Arrogant dickholes, with ego's so big it could dwarf oprah's. (Looking at you, Dab.) Not to mention factions hiding their killfest ways with fagdrag titgiggle roleplay, even worse leaders who probably will gwow up to be wittle trannies.
Playing discovery typically consists of roleplay followed by pew pew. Here's a sample:
- Joly good day sir, I am moving some fertilizers to planet California Minor
- Excuse me? I am a representative of the royal crown
- 2 mill or die
- Perhapse you should not be so testy about.....
- you die
As you can see, the veteran roleplayer who obviously has no life or girlfriend just got a missile up his ass from a l33t kiddie who is being a pirate to boost his self esteem. Bravo.
The roleplayer will now go whine on the official forums that life is unfair and that his alternate lifestyle is causing him pain.
Coming of Age
Some freelancer players have recently noticed that their new pubic hairs have begun to grow. That is because it is rated T, for Teen. Therefore, by playing it, you will get pubic hairs and go through puberty (again or for the first time).
The first symptom of excessive Freelancer use is a sudden hatred of sunlight, and skin turning white. Once you are a vampire who cannot go outside, you will notice massive amounts of weight beggining to add up. Then you will notice that whenever you try to urinate, you will pass several kidney stones shaped like spaceships.
Finally, you will grow pubic hairs on your face from your amazing new ability to suck yourself.
In addition, you will begin to feel a sudden sexual attraction to a low-polygon, low-texture NPC woman named Juni. Juni is your friend and wants you so badly she cant stand it. Thats why mods like Crossfire have been created to help her express herself to you. However, Juni isnt just a body. She wants you to respect her mind, so you can never have her.
Suicide statistics indicate that 95% of people who look at Juni's modded breasts also looked at the anal sex article on this wiki.