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The Freemasons were founded in 1163 A.D. by Thomas 'Elsie' Elliot and Sidney 'Vera' Thornton, disgruntled, deaf bricklayers from Hull, England. In 12th Century England, transvestism was less widely accepted than nowadays and since the guilds had cathedral contracts pretty well sown up, forming their own association seemed a natural solution to their predicament. These days, equality being what it is, transvestite builders are commonplace and may be seen on building sites throughout the land, climbing high ladders, falling off scaffolding, putting up crooked windows and getting their heads stuck in quick-drying cement, just like every other builder.
Elsie and Vera were of course burned at the stake, in full drag, allegedly screaming the chorus to Don't Cry For Me Argentina, on March 31st 1164. The charges against them were so numerous that the judge fell asleep while reading them and had to be roused by a small boy who lived beneath his hassock, called Wee Tim. It is said that all the builders in the land were present for the execution, and were seen to be jeering and throwing wet cement-cakes at the poor victims. So accurate was their aim that Elsie and Vera were not so much burnt as baked, as the cement hardened rapidly with the heat and encased the unfortunate pair from head to toe in a cement overcoat. Later their remains were hoisted to the roof of a nearby chip shop where they remained for some years, attracting a great many tourists and souvenir hunters.
edit Modern Freemasonry
Although transvestism is only one criterion for membership to the Freemasons, cement overcoats quickly fell out of favour, despite their huge ritual significance. Public burnings of members still take place weekly at the site of Elsie and Vera's chip shop in Bermondsey, London, and are well attended by members of the British Royal Family. They also love a good bit of ritual cock fighting.
The following is a verbatim quote from 'Talulah', the present Grand Pumpernickel, describing from an insider's point of view the innermost workings of the organisation:
"Most of members are consisted by Christianity so there are few rumors that we are trying to dominate the world. But it's fake, Coz we are stupid fucking bastards, we can't debate about politics, we can't think serious about Middle East war, we can't work and earn money. Our life is just masturbating forever, and we have no life, we have no money. So please take off that biased idea nigga." YMCMB Nigga!
edit Introduction to Alex Smith's Homosexual Attitude
The Freemasons was originally a secret agency that plans to control whole universe with money and s*** bricks. It was organized in 1668, with a help of former French president Napoleon Bonaparte and Jewish nerd David Ben Gurion. Both two has enough amount of companions to spread their malicious thought: they believe that money and capitalism, which are invented by Pharaoh, the former Egyptian president, could unite the world and it is the shortcut to create the World Government, known as "New World Order". So on the early days they were devoting themself solely to making a plan.
But the thing turned down in 1760, when a man named Charlie Chaplin entered the association. He thought that sex was the fastets way to unite the world, so he gathered some men would follow him and created an element of Freemasonry. It called Free Masons. Chaplin and his followers quickly invented Playboy magazine, triggering the Industrial Revolution. People started to work hard to gain the magazine.
It was at this time the Freemasons were troubled with their deficit. Freemasons gave up their old ideas, and granted Free Mason's world vision. They started to developing new types of technology for more effective and efficient masturbation, such as the bikini for making women much more hot, YouTube for spreading adult videos, and the corrupt Disney Channel, more commonly known as Adult Disney Channel, that broadcasts porn featuring famous Disney characters such as Cinderella and Minnie Mouse.
It has also been confirmed that Freemasons are indeed connected to the Illuminati and conspire to establish a new world order in which the world population is cut down to 42. In summary, they are basically bible ninjas.