From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Sir Fredrick Von Gaylord Krueger, MD, or better known as Freddy, is a famous go-go and ballet dancing host of the popular kids TV show, "Elm St". Since the early 1960's, Freddy has vowed to entertain children from inside their dreams. Whilst in the children's dreams, he is found showing off his extraordinaire of dancing talent which turns children gay. If Freddy turns you gay in your dreams, you will be gay in the real world too. Many believe that homosexuals are born this way and have no choice in their alternative lifestyle, but it is actually a little known fact that Freddy's dream-time show on Elm St that makes them that way.
Just Your Everyday Homosexual Ballet Dance TeacherFreddy was born in Springwood, CA, in 1947 to his adoring parents... Fred Astaire, Adolph Hitler, Elisa Voorhees, Charles Lee Ray, Matt Cordell, Larry, Curley, Moe, Gomer Pyle, Ricci Ricardo, Charlie Manchapson and 89 other guys who are his father too; and of course his mother, Amanda Krueger who was conceived with Freddy when she was 19 years old at the first ever "Six Sisters Of Absolutely No Fucking Mercy" church gang-bang fund-raising event.
Banished From The Church
Freddy grew up as a raging homosexual, so in your average typical old fashion hatred towards what they do not understand, which is everything, the Catholic church banished Freddy from the community and found him guilty of being a regular visitor to Vegemite valley.
All Freddy wanted to do was entertain children, and suck a little dick when he got home, which he defended by saying it wasn't like he wanted to sleep with children or anything, he completely kept his professional and personal life separate, and made a valid point that he wasn't like Jack Michaelson, the town's known pedophile, who was also into kids, but often enough brought his work home with him to finish.
Even after his defense, the Catholic church just would not listen, they barred Freddy from Springwood and asked him to never come back. Freddy agreed and packed his things and headed off to find a new home. It was pissing down with rain when he began to venture out of town, and shortly down the road his car blew a tire. He exited his pick-up truck to inspect the wheels when he slipped in some mud and fell into a ditch beside the road.
A couple of catholic rednecks were driving by and spotted Freddy, covered in mud. The catholic red-neck driving the truck, Father Peter O'Hara mistook Freddy for a gypsy, which was even worse then a faggot in his eyes so he ordered the other members of the KKK to take him and burn him on a cross.
As Freddy was burning on the cross, he screamed out the haunting words, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
He also muttered something about getting revenge by making all the children and their children's children gay.
Welcome To The Nightmares On Elm St... If you're homophobic
Freddy returned from the dead, but only in kid's dreams, kids who are under the age of a consenting adult. Once they are of legal adult age they can no longer be visited by Freddy anymore. This all depends on what country you live in, the precise age can vary, but the rules follow the alcohol and porno restrictions. So in Americait is 21, Canada and Australia 18, Russia 15, Mexico 5, Etc, Etc.
Freddy will often visit the teenagers of the Springwood townsfolk who are responsible for burning him and not allowing him to be a gay disk jockey on TV, and for some reason he never invades kids under 12. We don't know why exactly that is, but we suspect it to be due to some kind of copyright infringement with Walt Disney or something equally gay.
Anyway, Freddy supposedly invades the teenagers dreams and becomes the host of Elm St. It's a pretty cool show if you ever get the chance to see it, it has a great ensemble cast of puppets and this giant talking bird who smokes pot and tries to fly off the top of houses, but forgets he's an Ostrich... Basically the whole thing is like a stoners fucked up imagination of Sesame Street, only instead of turning you into a wuss who can count to ten, Freddy turns you into a tail-gunning, ass-tracking, limp-wristed donut puncher
In 1980 a chick that was so hideous to look at because she was a flat chested, boofed-up-haired virgin, who couldn't get any dick in her, couldn't admit it was just because she was ugly, was the reason she couldn't get laid. She had been trying to get a bunch of guys at school she wanted to screw to go out with her and do her at the end of the night, but every time she went to ask one of them out, they told her they were gay. This chick, whose name was Nancy by the way, thought there was something weird happening at her high-school (Springwood High) after it seemed very odd to her that the day before she had seen the guy's kissing girls, yet the moment she asked them out, they mysteriously turned gay.
Nancy started looking through the town of Springwoods history and found that there was a man who was burned to death who vowed to make all the children of Springwood "gay"! On reading that his name was "Freddy"; Nancy started hearing that name all over school, like all the fags where talking about him. Nancy knew it must be him making all her fuckable prospects into homosexuals.
That night, Nancy entered a dream state, and called out Freddy's name 3 times.
One, Two Freddy's Not Cumming For You (Nancy)
Whilst inside Nancy's first dream, she recalls meeting a man with a hideous face that looked like the skin of a testicle when they are really cold and shriveled up like a prune. He wore a hat just like that dude from James Bond who clicks his neck before throwing his blade like a Frisbee hat, he had a green and red striped sweater, although it looked like it was black and red but you could never tell because Freddy was always hiding in the dark in this boiler room for some odd reason... oh, and she said he also had these knifes on his fingers, kinda like Edward Scissor Hands but Freddy apparently sucked ass at landscape gardening.
Nancy confronted Freddy about making all the guys around her gay, and Freddy claimed it had nothing to do with him, but Nancy would not believe him. Freddy told her to go away, he had work to do, but Nancy insisted she harass Freddy and make him stop making every man she wanted to fuck into a... well, a "Nancy boy" if you will.
Freddy told her if she didn't leave him alone he would possess some big hairy fat dude to plant a tree inside her ass and rape it in the shade. However, this did not scare Nancy. In-fact, it made her nipples hard; she said, "If you possess a man like that, it means it's really you, which means you want me", Nancy then ripped off her shirt and exposed her bra that looked like a couple of bed socks had a bit of sand in the bottom of them. Nancy demanded Freddy take her now.
Freddy puked over the side of a railing in the boiler room and ran away from Nancy screaming that his eyes where burning.
Nancy then woke up from her dream and pouted her lips.
Three, Four, Nancy Wants To Be Fred's Whore
The next night Nancy couldn't wait to fall asleep again and confront the man of her dreams; she figured he may not be the best looking guy around, but he would do. She had spent the day at school making little love notes that said things like; "Freddy & Nancy 4 Life" with a love heart drawn around it. Bed time came, and Nancy was looking for love... again, but she didn't know it was in all the wrong places.
Nancy entered the dream-world again, and imagined herself looking as beautiful as ever... she then called out Freddy's name to summon him. "Oh fuck, not you again, can't you take a hint, bitch? I'M GAY!!!" Said by you know who. Nancy slowly walked up to Freddy trying to be seductive, with her finger inside her vagina and the other twirling her hair. When she got up face to face with Freddy, she pulled her finger out of her cunt and wiped it under Freddy's nose; "PEWWWWWWW, BITCH!!! THATS DISGUSTING, IT SMELLS LIKE ASS AND TUNAFISH... SO IT ONLY HALF TURNS ME ON" Freddy said.
As Freddy was holding his nose trying to get away from Nancy, she leaped at Freddy's crotch like she was diving to catch a football, or two. When Freddy saw this he quickly chose to transport himself out of her way and she dove head first into a boiler.
She then woke up feeling pissy with a splitting headache.
Five, Six, She Want's Freddy's Dick
Nancy had decided she was going to go back into the dream world, and this time she would be ready for Freddy, and offer him heady till his dick is ready.
Nancy re-entered the dream-world for the third night in a row and summoned Freddy. Freddy appeared, and seemed scared, yet at the same time, pissed off. "You. What the fuck do you want now? Can't you just let a dead guy rot in peace?" Nancy eyed off Freddy's crotch and licked her lips. "Uh-Oh" Freddy yelped. Nancy began running at Freddy's crotch once more. Freddy ran for his life trying every trick in the book to get this horn bag, dog faced mutt off his ass.
Freddy then came up with an idea, and whilst he was hiding around a corner Nancy couldn't see him he morphed into a woman. He then casually walked back around the corner where Nancy was sprinting towards him. "Did you see a guy go past here?" Nancy said to Freddy in disguise. Freddy pointed with his knife hand and said, "Yeah, he went that way"... Nancy said thanks and started to run in that direction, then she stopped to a halt, realizing that was Freddy's knife finger; "AH SHIT" Freddy sighed, Nancy started perusing Freddy once again.
Nancy screamed at Freddy to stop, she wanted to blow him... this gave Freddy an idea. He stopped, and told Nancy to stop where she was, she could have his penis if she wanted it.
So Freddy told her to get down on her knees. He started to unzip his fly, and walked towards her slowly. He told her to close her eyes and Freddy would give her a BIG surprise. Nancy listened as Freddy slowly unzipped his fly, she could smell his crotch inches from her face.
Freddy said, "Okay, open your eyes now" - Nancy only recalls slightly seeing what looked like a penis demon with teeth, wielding a hammer that slammed it down on her head as she woke up with a bump on her head.
Nancy awoke yelling out, "CURSES"
Seven, Eight, Nancy Wants To Mate
Nancy re-entered the dream world that night, but she had a new plan. She wasn't going to summon Freddy, she was just going to find him herself and sneak up on him. When she did, she found Freddy hosting his show making a Big-Bird like character do odd shadow puppets with his penis. Nancy crept onto the stage and sneaked up behind Freddy. She slowly grabbed his ass. Freddy smiled without turning around, thinking it was a guy, when he slowly started to turn around to look his groper in the face, he realized it was Nancy and he got scared and had a Snuffaluffagus use it's trunk with Big Birds pecker to whip Nancy in the head and knock her back to reality.
Nancy awoke, and screamed in frustration of not getting to jump Freddy's bones. But Nancy had something rather revealing, in her hand was a piece of Freddy's pants. Nancy had just discovered that she could bring things out of the dream world and into reality. She also worked out that if she can bring part of Freddy's pants into the real world, then she could bring him into the real world, and he would have no power over her to escape and play hard to get anymore.
Nancy was ready to bring Freddy into the real world and have her way with him once and for all.
Nine, Ten, Here Comes Nancy Again
Nancy beat herself unconscious trying to get back to sleep. She wasn't even going to wait for the next night, this was it, her moment of triumph. Nancy hunted down Freddy and found him still hosting "Elm St", this time he had something that looked like Kermit The Frog eating the ass out of something that looked like Gonzo, but had a penis on it's nose.
Nancy sneaked up behind Freddy like she had before, and she wrapped her legs around Freddy's waist and her arms around his body, refusing to let go. She began getting pelted with puppet penis all around her as her and Freddy wrestled on the floor, but she was a determined woman who was going to get what she wanted. But how the hell was she going to wake herself up?
In reality, her sleeping body was yelling, "Wake me up, someone wake me up". Outside her house a couple of passing kids where having a debate about pissing on people when they are on fire. Their conversation was along the lines of the lines of; "I wouldn't piss on you if you where on fire", but would you actually piss on someone you do like if they where on fire? And how the hell that thought even comes into play when you should just cover them with something, or use a million other ways to put the fire out, but to piss on them?
Back in the dream world, Freddy was trying to get Nancy off his back by setting the studio on fire. Nancy began to burn in the dream, meaning she was burning in reality too. But the bitch still wouldn't let go.
Then back in reality, the kids outside having there debate heard Nancy's cry for help, so they ran into her house and found her in her room burning. They decided this was it, they would piss on her to put the fire out, so each kid took their hose and began pissing on Nancy, and this woke Nancy up. She noticed she had Freddy in her arms, and she cheered "YES" with her mouth wide open, until the continuing piss streams of the kids entered her mouth.
Once the kids realized Freddy had shown up out of nowhere, and they had pissed on someone, they high fived and fled the scene.
Freddy Got Fingered
Now that Nancy had Freddy in reality, he no longer had any powers to escape so she forced him to lay down on the bed and be her bitch while she had her way with him. Freddy felt Nancy's finger go up his butt, which kinda felt good, but she was a girl, so it was confusing to him. But then Freddy turned into a giant worm and sucked Nancy up into his asshole, then shat her against the wall with a splat so she splashed into a pool of blood and feces. Guess Nancy was wrong, Freddy does have his powers in the real world.
Freddy changed back into his normal self and tapped his knife finger on his cheek and thought to himself, "Hmmm, before I go back to my dream world, I think I might have some fun. He then pranced out of Nancy's house and danced across the front lawn like a ballet star saying, "Oh boys, come piss on Freddy some more"
|Scary Movie | Slasher Films | Nunsploitation | Cancer porn|
|Alien vs. Predator | Bambi | Cannibal Holocaust | The Dark Knight | A Dark Skin | Final Destination | Fountainhead Earth | Freddy v. Jason | Friday the 13th | Ghostbusters | Godzilla vs. Urethra | Hostel | JAWS | Manos:Hands Of Fate | Misery | The Phantom of the Opera | Predator | Psycho | Saw | The Shining | Snakes on a Plane | Texas Chainsaw Massacre | The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 | The Wicker Man|
|Dracula | Halloween | Passion of the Christ | Frankenstein | Scream | The Twilight Zone|
|Bogeyman | John Carpenter | Chucky| Dracula | GOP | Grue | Michael Jackson | JigSaw | Freddy Krueger | Hannibal Lecter | Old McDonald | Dexter Morgan | Mike Myers | Sweeney Todd | Jason Voorhees | Xenomorph|
|Tex Avery | Uwe Boll | Paris Hilton | Alfred Hitchcock | Boris Karloff | Bela Lugosi | David Lynch | Spike Milligan | Anthony Soprano Junior | Goa Tse | Mr. TwatCunt | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie|
|UnNews:"Leprechaun" remake in the works | UnNews:Michael Myers escapes from sanitarium, kills Christopher Walken | UnNews:New "Halloween" movie getting little promotion; world in panic | UnNews:Next Saw film to include a goatse-trap | UnNews:Rob Zombie:"Halloween will be rated G" | UnNews:Scheider death blamed on shark | UnNews:Ving Rhames' dog kills zombie | UnNews:"Saw VI" got a G-rating by the MPAA|