Freddy Krueger

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.
This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.

Hey, pssssst... my real name's Corey Feldman.

Sir Fredrick Von Gaylord Krueger, MD, or better known as Freddy, is a famous go-go and ballet dancing host of the popular kids TV show, "Elm St". Since the early 1980's, Freddy has vowed to entertain children from inside their dreams. Whilst in the children's dreams, he is found showing off his extraordinaire of dancing talent which turns children gay. If Freddy turns you gay in your dreams, you will be gay in the real world too. Many believe that homosexuals are born this way and have no choice in their alternative lifestyle, but it is actually a little known fact that Freddy's dream-time show on Elm St that makes them that way.


Freddy before his death, as the leading man in the ballet,
"Le Cauchemar de la traînée"

edit Just Your Everyday Homosexual Ballet Dance Teacher

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Freddy Krueger.

Freddy was born in Springwood, CA, in 1947 to his adoring parents... Fred Astaire, Adolph Hitler, Elisa Voorhees, Charles Lee Ray, Matt Cordell, Larry, Curley, Moe, Gomer Pyle, Ricci Ricardo, Charlie Manchapson and 89 other guys who are his father too; and of course his mother, Amanda Krueger who was conceived with Freddy when she was 19 years old at the first ever "Six Sisters Of Absolutely No Fucking Mercy" church gang-bang fund-raising event.

edit Banished From The Church

Freddy grew up as a raging homosexual, so in your average typical old fashion hatred towards what they do not understand, which is everything, the Catholic church banished Freddy from the community once they discovered he was open about being a regular visitor to Vegemite valley.

All Freddy wanted to do was entertain children, and suck a little dick (not particularly in that order). Before being banished, Fredrick defended himself by stating it wasn't like he wanted to sleep with children or anything. He completely kept his professional and personal life separate, and made a valid point that he wasn't like Jack Michaelson, the town's known pedophile, who was also into kids, but often enough brought his work home with him to finish.

Even after his logical and truthful defense, the Catholic church just would not listen, as usual, stuck in there own ways. If a grown man wishes to be around children in this sort of manner, then they must become a fully pledged Cardinal. Freddy was a Gypsy and would not give into such requests, so they banished Freddy from Springwood never to return ever again. Or at least till he is 80 years old when no one remembers or let alone gives a shit.

Freddy packed his shit, his own for a change, and fucked off from Springwood to find a new home elsewhere.

It was pissing down with rain when he began his venture out of town when shortly down the road his car blew a tire. He exited his pick-up truck to inspect the wheels when he slipped in some mud and cow shit then fell down into a ditch beside the road.

edit Freddy's Dead


A couple of catholic rednecks were driving by and spotted Freddy, covered in mud. The catholic red-neck driving the truck, Father Peter O'Hara mistook Freddy for a colored man, which was even worse then a faggot in those days, so he ordered the other members of the KKK to take him and burn him on a cross. Those racist bastards. They where so racist they even refused to buy a colored television set.

As Freddy was burning on the cross, he screamed out the haunting words, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

He also muttered something about getting revenge by making all the children and their children's children gay.

1751983891 95fd11eabb

One of the reoccurring stars of Elm St, Pepe Le Pueger

edit Welcome To The Nightmares On Elm St... If you're homophobic

Freddy returned from the dead, but only in kid's dreams, kids who are under the age of a consenting adult. Once they are of legal adult age they can no longer be visited by Freddy anymore. This all depends on what country you live in, the precise age can vary, but the rules follow the alcohol and porno restrictions. So in Americait is 21, Canada and Australia 18, Russia 15, Mexico 5, Etc, Etc.

Freddy will often visit the teenagers of the Springwood townsfolk who are responsible for burning him and not allowing him to be a gay disk jockey on TV, and for some reason he never invades kids under 12. We don't know why exactly that is, but we suspect it to be due to some kind of copyright infringement with Walt Disney or something equally gay.

Anyway, Freddy supposedly now invades teenagers dreams where he host's "Elm St". It's a pretty cool show if you ever get the chance to see it, it has a great ensemble cast of puppets and this giant talking bird who smokes pot and tries to fly off the top of houses, but forgets he's an Ostrich... Basically the whole thing is like a stoners fucked up imagination of Sesame Street, only instead of turning you into a wuss who can count to ten, make you laugh your ass off like Wondershowzen or make you listen to shitty prank calls like on Crank Yankers, Freddy turns you into a tail-gunning, ass-tracking, limp-wristed donut puncher.

edit Nancy's Boy


Freddy's Soul

In 1980 a chick that was so hideous to look at because she was a flat chested, boofed-up-haired virgin, who couldn't get any dick in her, and wouldn't admit it was just because she was plain old fucking ugly being the reason she couldn't get laid. The ugly fuckers name was Nancy. She had been trying to get a bunch of guys at school she wanted to bone to go out with her and do to her what {{Exorcist|Linda Blair's]] crucifix could not. But every time she went to ask one of the boys out, they told her they had suddenly become gay overnight. Nancy refused to beleive it was because she was so ugly she get's her portraits painted in six different shades of shit, being the reason for rejection. She instead figured something weird was happening to all the boys at Springwood High.

Nancy started looking through the town of Springwoods history and found that there was a man who was burned to death several years back who vowed to make all the children of Springwood "gay"! On reading that, his name was "Freddy"; Nancy started hearing that same name all over school. She noticed all the fags where talking about him. Nancy knew it must be him making all her fuckable prospects into homosexuals. But how? They talked about a show he hosted, but it was not available on Piratebay or Youtube, so therefor, how could it exist? Nancy wondered about Freddy's final quoted words, and caught on that he must be a dream demon, or a really shitty cable access show not even worth uploading to Youtube.

That night, Nancy entered a dream state, and called out Freddy's name 3 times.

edit One, Two Freddy's Not Cumming For You (Nancy)


A Picture Speaks 1000 words

Whilst inside Nancy's first dream, she recalls meeting a man with a hideous face that looked like the skin of testicles when they are really cold and shriveled up like a prune. "Clint Eastwood is that you?" she asked, to no response. She realized it must be Freddy. He wore a hat just like that dude from James Bond who clicks his neck before throwing his Frisbee-hat, he had on a green and red striped sweater, although it looked like it was black and red, but you could never tell because Freddy was always hiding in the shadows of this boiler room he was always in for some odd reason... oh, and she said he also had these knifes on his fingers, kinda like Edward Scissor Hands but Freddy apparently sucked ass at landscape gardening.

Nancy confronted Freddy about making all the guys around her gay. Freddy claimed it had nothing to do with him, but Nancy would not believe him. Freddy told her to go away, he had work to do, but Nancy insisted she harass Freddy and make him stop making every man she wanted to fuck into a... well, a "Non-Nancy boy Nancy Boy" if you will.

Freddy told her if she didn't leave him alone he would possess some big hairy fat dude to plant a tree inside her ass and rape it in the shade till she can't shit write for a month. However, this did not scare Nancy. In-fact, it made her nipples hard; she said, "If you possess a man like that, it means it's really you, which means you want me". Nancy then ripped off her shirt and exposed her bra that looked like a couple of bed socks had a bit of sand in the bottom of them. Nancy demanded Freddy take her now.


Here we see a happy snap of Clint Eastwood
Pizza the Hut's Left Testicle
Freddy & a young Tom Cruise

Freddy puked over the side of a railing in the boiler room then ran away from Nancy screaming that his eyes where burning.

Nancy then woke up from her dream and pouted her lips.

edit Three, Four, Nancy Wants To Be Fred's Whore

The next night Nancy couldn't wait to fall asleep again and confront the man of her dreams; she figured he may not be the best looking guy around, but he would do. She had spent the day at school making little love notes to herself that said things like; "Freddy & Nancy 4 Life" with a love heart drawn around it. Bed time came, and Nancy was on the prowl for love once more, but she didn't know it was in all the wrong places.

Nancy entered the dream-world again, and imagined herself looking as beautiful as ever... kinda looked like a polished turd, she then called out Freddy's name to summon him. "Oh fuck, not you again, can't you take a hint, bitch? I'M GAY!!!" Said by you know who. Nancy slowly walked up to Freddy trying to be seductive, with her finger inside her vagina that was so hairy, it looked like Don King had pin-dived into in and her vagina hadn't quite digested the top of his scalp yet. With her other finger twirling her hair, she got up face to face with Freddy, she pulled her finger out of her cunt and wiped it under Freddy's nose; "PEWWWWWWW, BITCH!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING, IT SMELLS LIKE ASS AND TUNA-FISH... SO IT ONLY HALF TURNS ME ON" Freddy cried.

As Freddy was holding his nose trying to get away from Nancy, she leaped at Freddy's crotch like she was diving to catch a football, or two. When Freddy saw this he quickly chose to transport himself out of her way and she dove head first into a boiler.

She then woke up feeling pissy with a splitting headache.

edit Five, Six, She Want's Freddy's Dick


Freddy's Penis Hammers Nancy
Right In The Skull

She should have seen that one coming!

Nancy had decided she was going to go back into the dream world the next night, and this time she would be ready for Freddy, and offer him heady till his dick is ready, what a shitty rhyming sentenc-ey.

Nancy re-entered the dream-world for the third night in a row and summoned Freddy. Freddy appeared, and seemed scared, yet at the same time, completely pissed off. "You. What the fuck do you want now? Can't you just let a dead gay rot in peace?" Nancy eyed off Freddy's crotch and licked her lips. "Uh-Oh" Freddy yelped. Nancy began running at Freddy's crotch once more. Freddy ran for his after-life trying every trick in the book to get this horn bag, dog-faced mutt to stop chasing his ass.

Freddy then came up with an idea, and whilst he was hiding around a corner where Nancy couldn't see him, he morphed into a woman. He then casually walked back around the corner where Nancy was sprinting in that general direction. "Did you see a guy with a face almost as bad as Seal's go past here?" Nancy said to Freddy-in-disguise. Freddy pointed with his knife finger and said, "Yeah, he went that way". Nancy said thanks and started to run that way, then she stopped to a halt, realizing that was Freddy's knife finger; "AHH, SHIT" Freddy sighed, Nancy started perusing Freddy once again.

Nancy screamed at Freddy to stop, she wanted to blow him... this gave Freddy an idea. He stopped, and told Nancy to stop where she was, she could have his penis if she wanted it.

So Freddy told her to get down on her knees. He started to unzip his fly, and walked towards her slowly. He told her to close her eyes and Freddy would give her a BIG surprise. Nancy listened as Freddy slowly unzipped his fly, she could smell his crotch inches from her face.


Freddy... picking his nose.

Freddy said, "Okay, open your eyes now" - Nancy only recalls slightly seeing what looked like a penis demon with teeth, wielding a hammer that slammed it down on her head as she woke up with a bump on her head.

Nancy awoke yelling out, "CURSES"

edit Seven, Eight, Nancy Wants To Mate

Nancy re-entered the dream world that night, but she had a new plan. She wasn't going to summon Freddy, she was just going to find him herself and sneak up on him. When she did, she found Freddy hosting his show. Freddy was in the middle of a segment where he was making Big-Bird do odd shadow puppets with his penis. Nancy crept onto the stage and snuck up behind Freddy. She slowly grabbed his ass. Freddy smiled without turning around, thinking it was a guy, when he did turn around to look his groper, he realized it was Nancy and he got scared and quickly possessed a Snuffaluffagus to release it's bowels in Nancy's face to blind her long enough so he could whack her Big Bird's dick and knock her back into the land of the living.

Nancy awoke, and screamed in frustration of not getting to jump Freddy's bones. But Nancy had something rather revealing, in her hand was a clump of Freddy's pubic hairs. Nancy had managed to grab a hold of them just before Freddy K.O.'d her. Nancy figured if she could bring things out of the dreamworld and into reality, maybe she could pull him by the short and curley's into her world. She thought this would be the best way to have her way with him, as he would be defenseless and have no powers in the real world. Of coarse, there is no substantial evidence that he would be powerless, but she figured, what's the worst that could happen? When she's done boning his burnt log, what's he gonnah do, check into the Betty Ford clinic?

edit Nine, Ten, Here Comes Nancy Again

Nancy beat herself unconscious trying to get back to sleep. She wasn't even going to wait for the next night, this was it, her moment of triumph. Nancy hunted down Freddy and found him still hosting "Elm St", this time he had something that looked like Kermit The Frog eating the ass out of something that looked like Gonzo, but had a penis on it's nose.

Nancy's attempt to sneak up behind Freddy like she had before failed, as he heard the sounds of her vaginal juices splattering against the floor. But after a dodge of flying camel shit here, and a projectile Muppet there, she caught up to Freddy and wrapped her legs around his waist clinching her arms around his body, refusing to let go. She began getting pelted with puppet penis' all around her as her and Freddy wrestled on the floor, but she was a determined under-sexed & horny woman who was going to get what she wanted. But how the hell was she going to wake herself up now?

In reality, her sleeping body was yelling, "Wake me up, someone wake me up". Outside her house a couple of passing kids where having a debate about pissing on people when they are on fire. Their conversation was along the lines of the saying, "I wouldn't piss on you if you where on fire" but would you actually piss on someone you do like if they where on fire? And how the hell that thought even comes into play when you should just cover them with something to put out the blaze instead, or use a million other ways to put the fire out... but to piss on them? Huh?

Back in the dream world, Freddy was trying to get Nancy off his back by setting the studio on fire. Nancy began to burn in the dream, meaning she was burning in reality too. But the bitch still wouldn't let go. She would hold on through hell, fire and brimstone to get Freddy's dream warrior inside her hells-gates.

Then back in reality, the kids outside having their debate heard Nancy's cry for help, so they ran into her house and found her in her room burning. "Man, she's fucking ugly" the first boy said. The second responded, "Too right. I think this be the bitch who they push her face in the dough to make Gorilla cookies". They didn't even know if they should put the fire out to save her or do humanity a world of good and let her fry to a crisp. Then they had an epiphany. They decided this was it, they would piss on her to put the fire out! So each kid took their hose out and began pissing on Nancy. This daring action woke Nancy up. She noticed she had Freddy in her arms, and she cheered "YES" with her mouth wide open, until the continuing piss streams of the kids entered her mouth. Gotta love guys dedicated to their work!

Once the kids put out the fire. They high fived each other. All was smiles till Freddy swiped at their dicks cutting each one cleanly off. "One up on Bobbet" Freddy laughed as he watched the boys fall to the ground holding their brand new man-ginas. Nancy then ripped the glove off of Freddy's hand and stuffed the whole thing up inside her cunt. Freddy was not willing to retrieve it, so he sighed and said, "You win, bitch"

edit Freddy Got Fingered


Now that Nancy had Freddy in reality, he no longer had any powers to escape, so she forced him to lay down on the bed and be her bitch while she had her way with him. Freddy felt Nancy's finger go up his butt, which kinda felt good, but she was a girl, so it was confusing to him. But then Freddy turned into a giant worm and sucked Nancy up into his asshole, then shat her against the wall with a splat so she splashed into a pool of blood and feces. Guess Nancy was wrong, Freddy does have his powers in the real world.

Freddy changed back into his normal self and tapped his knife finger on his cheek and thought to himself, "Hmmm, before I go back to my dream world, I think I might have some fun". He then pranced out of Nancy's house carrying the two boys with man-ginas who had pissed on them on fire earlier. Freddy danced across the front lawn, spun his magic star and sprinkled some glitter on the boys mangin-as magically regrowing their penis' to even better size then before.Freddy smirked and said in a flamboyant voice "Oh boys, come piss on Freddy some more"

edit Freddy Today

Freddy still resides in the dreamworld hosting his "Elm St" show. In 2011 he celebrated his 35th anniversary on the dream-scape waves. In celebration he released a suppository box set of Freddy's gayest hits. As well as slashed scenes never before seen straight from the cutting room floor. A Hollywood movie was made to honer his career in 2010, however like everything Hollywood get their hands on, they managed to fuck it up and not even get the truth close to what actually happened. Freddy thanked Nancy during the 35th celebration, saying if it wasn't for her, his two co-star puppets, Willy-Wizz and Peter-Pee-Pee would never have been such a wonderful conception. Freddy also made a statement that he was incredibly sorry to the people in the real world for unleashing Justin Beiber. Freddy stated, "It seemed like a good idea at the time. I wanted to make the gayest thing anyone had ever seen. But sometimes, things don't go to plan, and you get a little carried away, and go completely overboard. What I meant to be created for fun, just got out of hand and grew a world of it's own. Now even I, Freddy, know that some things can be TOO gay".

edit External Links

Personal tools
In other languages