Freddie Mercury
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Freddie Mercury or His Holy Greatness The King Frederick Of Mercury And The Entire Universe Of Everything That Pertains to Those Who Would Rather Prefer Being Gay than Straight (incarnated September 5, 1946?) was Emperor of the Rainbow, a British Indian God, Chief Sports Queen, author, opera diva, singer, and eventual deity, best remembered today for his many international hits (from all aspects of his career) and conquering England. It is believed that he was descended from Cyrus the Great, a vampire, although this has never been proven. Though raised somewhere in that one Europe place across the ocean, also know as England, he was actually born in a dirt poor country called...(thinks) Zanzibar. It is said that Freddie Mercury's voice can stop Chuck Norris in his tracks, though that has never been proved nor disproved. However he was the greatest singer of all time, despite what those biased, hypocritical assholes at Rolling Stone wrote about him. RIP Mercury!
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with the homonomous (but erroneously spelled) Freddy Mercury, a lesser planet discovered in 2001 and named after him. The rumour that Freddie's mustache was indeed home to several large iguanas is fast gaining momentum. Biologists worldwide are said to have formed a secret society called the 'frog masons', dead set on exhuming this man's corpse and examining the unusual ecosystems of his facial hair. Closely followed by Rob Halford of Judas Priest. He is a flamboyant version of Stalin.
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[edit] Early Life and Playwright
Nobody loved Freddie as he was a poor boy from a poor family, though remarkably well versed in etiquette. He was born on 55th of September, in 946, on the then-unknown island of Zanzibar to Samwise "Samuel" G. Mercury (also a playwright) and Jer Bulsara, who named him Farrokh Bone-me Bulsara. When he was young, he was caught in a landslide with no escape from reality which lead him to open his eyes, look up to the skies and see that he needed no sympathy. Leaving his poor life behind, he built an enormous kite to take him whichever way the wind would blow. It didn't really matter to him, as he had only one vision; He wanted it all, he wanted it all, he wanted it all and he wanted it now.
Farrokh decided to pursue a career in history. His forays into Prussian nobility helped fuel a great admiration for King Frederick II which would later lead him to change his name after a night of downing six pints of Guinness. A Roman mythology course in his Junior year introduced him to Mercury, the messenger god. This later became his last name; an appropriate title considering Freddie often sent scathing memos from Jupiter to Morpheus.
Soon after the name change, he moved to London. As many men of his sexuality do, he frequented many drag-shows, and he eventually began a relationship with one of the queens. Mary Austin, known better by her current name, Stone Cold Steve Austin, helped foster Freddie's musical talents. Through her/him, Freddie met Lord Brian of Mayfair and R. Honourable Sir Roger Taylor, who were looking for a lead singer for their band. Deacon John Vincent of Pricewrighton joined soon after and the best band in all creation was born. The knitting/falsetto club needed a name and Freddie's fascination with nobility and gay men naturally led to the name of Queen.
Queen continued to write a series of other plays: at least twelve in total, but sadly only three of them remain known to the world. They are the self-titled Queen, its sequel Queen II, and Sheer Heart Attack, the name being inspired by Samwise Mercury's tragic death. A number of the lost plays are known only by name - The Odyssey, The Tempest, and Hamlet are three of the more well-known examples, though writing credits have been stolen by a guy called William Shakespeare.
Unfortunately, the plays were not well received by their manager Earl Norman of Sheffield, who managed to squander off the money Queen earned, leading to them temporarily giving up their playwright career to pursue a life of writing party songs that made every radio go ga-ga over, playing host, and also causing Freddie to morph into a commoner and lose his shirt.
[edit] Author and Conquerer
Queen, disgruntled, started their writing career at a local magazine as play critics (where Mercury lashed out greatly at his nemesis, the Norman of Sheffield, in a brilliantly written and critically hailed article named, aptly, Death on Two Legs). He eventually garnered enough fame and began writing his Magnum Opus, A Night at the Opera. Today, the book is best remembered for its legendary Chapter 11, Bohemian Rhapsody, which has not one but three separate climax points, keeping the common market and EU in mind (good record sales). It incorporates many elements from Norse, Radio GaGa, French mythology, ninjas, Shakespeare and Italian.
A Night at the Opera was followed upon by the sequel, A Day at the Races. Shortly after, the threequel Sometime Between Mid-Morning and Brunch at the Discotech was released. It is alleged that the words "Paul McArtny isn't dead, but he does have a really bad head cold" was back masked on the song "We are the chimps, Will Attempt to Rock All You Fat Bottomed Girls."
[edit] Post-mortem communication
Since his death, several people have claimed to see his ghost or spoken with him. Among these is Mary Howis, who wrote The Mercury Man: Freddie Mercury in My Life. Howis claims that she was contacted by Mercury shortly after his death and had never heard of Queen or Mercury beforehand. She also didn't know who the President was at the time and hadn't realized that cars existed. Many gay necromancers and moustache-aficionados have bought this book and believed that she really spoke to his spirit. Her fifty-six cats and collection of antique dolls agree. However, some doubt her intentions. On January 10, 2009, the ghost of John Lennon was summoned and told reporters that Howis is full of it. Casper the Friendly Ghost sent a tear-filled video to TMZ, stating that the book is completely false. Other spirits have disagreed with her, too, such as Elvis Presley, Napoleon, and Joan of Arc.
No-one knows what happened to Freddie after he died. Brian May reports that he saw Freddie soon after. He appeared in a cloud of purple smoke, stared at May for seven minutes, handed him an amp, and vanished. True Freaky Freddie fans know that such an instance is not uncommon; "Smoke on the Water" is rumored to be about Freddie appearing to Deep Purple and singing the bass line of "Liar". Rumor has it he was reincarnated in Austria in 2000 and teaches blind crack babies to play tennis Freddie would have been featured on a popular TV commercial for a camera with a pomeranian dog on it, but the dog wouldn't stop hissing at him.
[edit] Instruments used by Mercury and His Bisexuality
Considered a quadruple threat - singer, dancer, lovemaker, and fashionista - Freddie Mercury is often viewed as the world's most prolific bisexual man in a number of ways. He could play every instrument known to man and 18 instruments known to Bea Arthur. However, he played most of these instruments in unusual ways. For example, he could only play the drums with a turtle shell and five string-cheese sticks. Mercury is also the only person who could play the kazoo without his mouth.
Some instruments he played or played with include:
- Guitar
- Bongos
- Electric bongos
- Snuggies
- John Deacon
- Roger Taylor
- Yogurt
- Tampons
- Bass guitar
- Heads & Shoulders
- Bass guitar (a guitar for a certain species of fish)
- Jim Hutton
- Violin
- Sham-Wow!
- Chuck Norris
[edit] Freddy Mercury
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with Freddy Mercury, a bi-sexual dwarf planet with AIDS discovered in 2001, just a little bit smaller than Earth. It is reddish-brown in hue, and it is orbited by 1,296,403 satellites. Another distinction is the fact that one is a god, the other is a moon. See?
[edit] Biography
In the year of 39 A.D., Freddie Mercury sprung forth from the Arabian Sea and swam to Zanzibar where he was raised. When he discovered that no one knew where Zanzibar was, he teleported to England. While enlightening others at a college, he came upon three other misplaced deities: Deacon John, the god of flippable names, dullness, really short boxers and silence, Roger Taylor, the god of drums, Ray-Bans, cars and alcohol, Brian May, the god of guitars, astonomy, and big, curly hair. Obviously, Freddie was the god of moustaches, music, drugs, homosexuals and snuggies. These four gods came together to form the greatest rock band that ever existed, which has a name that only gods can speak but is otherwise known as Queen to mortals and Katy Perry.
.It is rumored that if the microphone stand of his gold-plated statue in Switzerland (built by hi slaves as a temple to his pure greatness) is touched at midnight, it will bestow magical sexual powers; however, this often comes with the side effect of growing four extra teeth and an inordinate amount of chest fur.
One day, Freddie was practicing singing in the woods when he dropped his Microphone into a small pond. Brian May then rose from the pond and offered him a golden Mic, which he refused. Mercury then offered him a silver Mic, which he also refused. He was rewarded for his honesty when John Deacon and Roger Taylor appeared, and the four of them rocked out for eighteen years.
When Paul Rodgers heard of this, he sought out the pool and threw his Mic into it, only to watch it sink beneath the waves. Rumour has it that Gilgamesh found it and auctioned it off on eBay for a signed copy of Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls/Bicycle Race" 45-RPM acetate grammophone recording
[edit] See Also
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| Planets |
|---|
| Confirmed (Solar System): Freddy Mercury / Mercury | Venus | Earth/Lyons/iEarth/World (The Moon) | Disney World | Zula (Nayelista) | Planet Hollywood | Mars | Planet Google | Globe | Roseanne | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus / Youranus / Myanus | Neptune |
| Confirmed (Extrasolar): An T'ark-Ti'kah | Uncyclopedia | Asherah | Darwin IV | Discworld | Lexicon | Wikipedia | Pizza Planet | Belldandy | Polkadottia | Gliese 581 c | 55 Cancri e |
| Dwarf planets: Ceres | Pluto | 2003 UB313 | |
| Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron |
| Denied by CIA: Irk | Krypton | Michigan | Neopia | Tiamat | Nibiru | Magrathea |
| In a galaxy far, far away: |
| Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Earth | Qo'noS | 16 Cygni Bb | xxEarth Cxx |
| Loner Planets: Wisconsin | Your Mom |
