Franz Liszt
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“I'm better than everyone and you know it!”
“I hope I never hear of anyone called Franz Liszt”
“I'm weird, live with it”
“There is no greater composer than me!”
Franz Liszt (October 22, 1811 – ???), was an Austrian pianist (who believed himself to be Hungarian, possibly raped by an obese moustached Hungarian man as a boy) and love-child of Ludwig van Beethoven, he/she became renowned across Europe as a general ponce. Many speculate that he was probably a male given his large hands and nose, so for the remainer of this article, he is referred to as "he." Another popular theory is that he is Rachel Dratch.
He composed 150,000 short piano pieces that were hundreds of pages long. He was the type who could perform a hundred pages in 5 minutes. These include 19 Hungarian Rhapsodies, redone a few thousand times, 3 Love dream nocturnes, also redone a few thousand times, and the 12 Transcendental Etudes, redone a few thousand times. The final edition of the etudes, S.124,256, is considered to be one of the most technically difficult compositions, a description given to around 105% of his reportoire.
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[edit] Early Life
When he was just five, Franz Liszt managed to make a junior piano for him to practice his rather tedious and thus far uninvented scales on. Known as the pioneer of the F# Major scale, he quickly developed an adequate technique that allowed him to start performing in various brothels around Hungary.
Soon after this, on his sixth birthday, he managed to compose a short piano piece called "Hungarian Rhapsody No. 1", inspired by his native homeland and the Queen hit single. It has since gained critical acclaim as "not as good as the second one" and "too reflective of Bulgaria". This, as you could have probably have guessed, led him to make the second one - now standard in the virtuoso repetoire with the characteristic rhythmic freedom and the technical demands posed by the the ridiculously awkward key signature - the traditional 4-sharp set-up.
However, during the development of this piece he caused a mass controversy. He reverted to the tonic major and therefore confused most potential pianists. This has now led to the piece being only playable by 5-Year Old Chinese girls on Britain's Got Talent and similar programs.
[edit] Later Life
After composing his second Hungarian Rhapsody at the age of seven, Liszt began practicing the piano for 28 hours a day. His skill improved so drastically that he was put at Number 2 on the U.K.'s (nobody cares about England's celebrites) Most Hated People's list, only behind a Mr. Ashley Cole no one here is English so who cares?. This caused a massive uproar, and a Royal Commission soon changed the poll so that Franz Liszt was placed number one, and Ashley Cole was forced to sign for the Chel$ki "Money-Wasters" Football Club. He soon became mildly irritated that the public was only admiring his abilities as a pianist. So on his 37th birthday, completed the set of Hungarian Rhapsodies by composing the next ten in a five hour burst. Soon after, he was forced to buy a new piano due to the forceful dynamics and the imminent disrepair.
These final installments gained Liszt a lot of notability as an actual composer, and he soon became commissioned by King Alfred XXVI of Hungary to compose three nocturnes. These became known as the Hundstraum nocturnes, or Dog-Dreams, but the name was changed to Liebestraum. The reason was that King Alfred was allergic to dogs and the notion of a dream about Dogs made him sick.
[edit] Death
Franz Liszt contracted cholera at the age of 84 when on a holiday to Switzerland. This is seen to be a cause for his death, but it is also publicised that Johann Sebastian Bach came bach from the dead and strangled him with the strings of a harpsichord. This cause of death is questionable because there is debate on whether or not Bach had a strong enough motive.
[edit] Hobbies
When away from piano playing, Liszt was also a keen violinist, flautist, trombonist, oboeist, bassoonist, trumpeteer, musketeer and paedophile. The latter of these may not be strictly true, but he did have fourteen wives under the age of eight, with he other twenty definitely being around 30 years old.
He was also a vaguely good football player signing for the moderately crap and over-confident Manchester United, this proved to be a bad move, not only because such a team had not been created, but also because he was no longer allowed inside his beloved city of Liverpool.
Franz Liszt was also famous for getting enormous amounts of Poontang; it's the big hands - he reach could reach a 13th if you know what I mean. He is reported to have done some Polish chick, Wagner's Mother-in-law, Your Mom, Switzerland, Rome, Paris, and Paris Hilton (Ok, the last one isn't really an acheivement).
[edit] The Famous Second Hungarian Rhapsody
The piece that defines the virtuosity of Liszt. Technically demanding, excellent and any other vague superlative would be inadequete ddescription as this piece was - generally - a bad idea. It aroused confusion, hatred and middle-aged prostitutes and did nothhing to promote Hungary, and, although the last point isn't necessarily bad, there are far to many points against it for it to be considered serious. It was the second installment out of twelve, and has since been recognised as "before the third".
[edit] Second Death
After dying from cholera/gunshot wound, Liszt was reincarnated in Siberia, where he became known as Rachmaninoff. He has since reincarneted many times as people such as Sorabji and Chuck Norris. His atonality was considered brilliant until it became extreme when he reincarnated as Sorabji. Being Chuck Norris explains the number of reincarnations, as well as the extreme technical ability.
[edit] The End
FOR LIZST(CHUCK NORRIS), THERE IS NO END...
