Franklin Pierce
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| Term of office: | March 4, 1853 – March 4, 1857 | |
| Preceded by: | Millard_Fillmore | |
| Succeeded by: | James_Buchanan | |
| Date of birth: | 1804 | |
| Place of birth: | New Hampshire | |
| Date of death: | Oct 8 1869 | |
| Place of death: | bed | |
| First Lady: | Jane Appleton | |
| Political party: | Way too much | |
Franklin Pierce (November 23, 1804 – October 8, 1869), was a noted booze hound who somehow "handomed" himself into the American presidency. Known for his studly good looks Pierce's reputation is only a notch above complete crap by having served between Millard Fillmore and James Buchanon. He could drink like a mo-fo and was the first president named Franklin. He also served in the house, senate and made the big career no-no of expressing support for the Confederacy and then dying before having a chance to spin his way out of the statement. Despite belief that Hillary Clinton would be the first Presidential candidate to ever have a dick in their mouth, Pierce already accomplished the feat just before his election.
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[edit] Early Life
Franklin Pierce was born in some town in New Hampshire. The people of that state thought so much of him they flooded the site and made a lake over it. His father,General Benjamin pierce, was his father. Mr. Pierce's wife, Mrs. Pierce, was Franklin Pierce's mother. He has seven or so brothers and sisters of which no one is ever to sp
[edit] Military Career
Pierce was a general in the Mexican-American War where the U.S. took a bunch of land from Mexico and the Mexicans wished they'd put the resources into building a big wall to keep the Americans out. During the battle of Pinto Frijoles, Pierce was thrown forward on his horse and smacked his sack on the saddle horn thus earning himself a medal and commendation for bravery when he refused to be taken off the battlefield. It is said that the high pitched squeek of his voice could be heard over the din of battle.
[edit] Adult Life
As an adult, Pierce did all kinds of stuff but none of which involved murder. He drank a lot. Eventually the people got tired of him passing out on their doorsteps and sent him to Washington. It wasn't only because he was a sloppy drunk, but because everyone thought he looked "presidential" which means he didn't look like Millard Fillmore.
[edit] Presidency 1853-1857
Pierce's presidency was a disaster and should not be mentioned. Although it made him famous, Pierce often referred to his four years in Washington as "A big freakin' waste of my time and the country's time." The biggest issue facing Pierce was Slavery in which he made his most famous utterance...
"Slavery? What's that now?"
Eventually he ignored into passage the Kansas-Nebraska act where everyone went to Kansas and killed each other over whether Kansas should be a free labor state or a "charge by the hour" state. He also engineered the purchase of a chunk of land from Mexico that we should have just taken during the previous war or at any old time we felt like. Instead we plunked down $10 million which we will NEVER get back.
[edit] Post Presidency
Pierce spent his post presidency wasted. Occassionally he would write letters to Confederate President Jefferson Davis in which he bitched about the North and drew naughty pictures of Abraham Lincoln. These letters and drawings were published and after that everyone referred to Pierce as "Old Fuckhead".
The 1860's was a time of liberation and hippiedom. Yeah the civil war was around, but no one cared about that back then. They were too busy getting down with the doors and the Beatles to really care about any war. Pierce soon joined a Hippy Colony in Wisconsin. Times were good for Pierce in the 60's, he was just happy the civil war didn't fall in his lap, what a buzz kill that could've been.
Long haired, drunk and high, Pierce became the 3rd President of the Madison Hippy colony in 1868, one year before his death.
[edit] King of the Little People
Pierce talked to things that weren't there. Andrew Johnson, who didn't know Pierce, said "That's the damndest thing I ever heard" but he may have been talking about something else.
[edit] Death
Eventually after all that drinking Pierce's liver said "To hell with this shit" and quit on him. Pierce died in his bed, an empty brandy glass in his hand. Just before expiring Pierce looked up at his good friend Nathaniel Hawthorne and said "Jus' wan moar... pleeze." Hawthorne was distracted looking through the numerous empty bottles lying all over the place for when he found one and turned to fill Pierce's glass the ex-president was gone.
[edit] Post-Death
Occasionally Pierce rises from the dead and goes to a bar and gets slammed. And since 1946 He has possessed the body of Tommy Lee Jones, as seen in there striking resemblance to one another.
[edit] Post-Post-Death
After the "Big Convention" of 2166, the world decided to clone Franklin Pierce in an attempt to "have a little fun", and "get loose" since everyone sucked in the 22nd century. The idea was that Pierce could show them how to drink hard. The idea failed, however, and the world continued to suck until the end of days December 12th, 200012 A.D. (Year 3 in Blastonian Time).
[edit] Famous Quotes
"Damned Saddle horn. I never saw it coming."
"Slavery? What's that now?"
"Jane, how do I get off this crazy thing. Jane!"
"There's nothing left to do but get drunk."
"That shit Fillmore took all the TP."
"Dear Mr. Davis. I love you and the South. Hate the North." (Note to Jefferson Davis)
"Jrrrm, who'da shlong ma dingalongadong? Millard! Ya prick, comma ova here and shuckaluk ma dong!"
| Preceded by: Millard Fillmore | President of the United States April 30, 1789 – March 4, 1797 | Succeeded by: James Buchanan |
