From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Order||14th or so President of the United States|
|Vice President||Rufus the King|
|Term of office||March 4, 1853–March 4, 1857|
|Political party||Way to Much|
|Date of birth||1804|
|Place of birth||New Hampshire|
|Date of death||Oct 8, 1869|
|Place of death||bed|
|First Lady||Mrs. Pierce|
Franklin Pierce (November 23, 1804 – October 8, 1869) was a noted booze hound who somehow "handsomed" himself into the American presidency. Known for his studly good looks (he was the only President to have both ears pierced), Pierce's reputation is only a notch above complete crap by having served between Millard Fillmore and James Buchanan. He could drink like a mo-fo and was the first president named Franklin. He also served in the House, Senate and made the big career no-no of expressing support for the Confederacy and then dying before having a chance to spin his way out of the statement. Pierce often referred to himself as Franklin which made a great deal of sense.
edit Early Life
Franklin Pierce was born in some town in New Hampshire. The people of that state thought so much of him they flooded the site and made a lake over it. His father, General Benjamin Pierce, was his father. Mr. Pierce's wife, Mrs. Pierce, was Franklin Pierce's mother. While easy to do, one must not confuse Mrs. Pierce the mother with Mrs. Pierce the First Lady because THAT would be weird. He had seven or so brothers and sisters of which no one is ever to speak about out. He has three children, all of whom are irrelevant to society. He is a distant relative of one Mrs. Arnie Fyounk of Wabash but she doesn't even know it herself.
edit Military Career
Pierce was a general in the Mexican-American War where the U.S. took a bunch of land from Mexico and the Mexicans wished they'd put the resources into building a big wall to keep the Americans out. During the battle of Pinto Frijoles, Pierce was thrown forward on his horse and smacked his sack on the saddle horn thus earning himself a medal and commendation for bravery when he refused to be taken off the battlefield. It is said that the high pitched squeak of his voice could be heard over the din of battle.
edit Adult Life
As an adult, Pierce did all kinds of stuff but none of which involved murder. He drank a lot. He huffed black kittens. Eventually the people got tired of him passing out on their doorsteps and sent him to Washington. It wasn't only because he was a sloppy drunk, but because everyone thought he looked "presidential" which means he didn't look like Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren. It was said back then that Pierce could "out JFK, JFK" which was remarkable because JFK was just meaningless initials in pre-Civil War America.
edit Presidency, 1853-1857
Pierce's presidency was a disaster and should not be mentioned. Although it made him famous, Pierce often referred to his four years in Washington as "a big freakin' waste of my time and the country's time." The biggest issue facing Pierce was Slavery in which he made his most famous utterance... "Slavery? What's that now?" Eventually he ignored into passage the Kansas-Nebraska Act where everyone went to Kansas and killed each other over whether Kansas should be a free labor state or a "charge by the hour" state. He also engineered the purchase of a chunk of land from Mexico that we should have just taken during the previous war or at any old time we felt like. Instead we plunked down $10 million which we will NEVER get back. Not to mention the tariff for the damn land too. This land is in the State of Arizona, and of course, we know what trouble that place has been lately!
Pierce spent his post-presidency wasted. Occassionally he would write letters to the Confederate President, Jefferson Davis, in which he bitched about the North and drew naughty pictures of Abraham Lincoln and his sexy wife. These letters and drawings were published and after that everyone referred to Pierce as "Old Fuckhead".
The 1860's were a time of liberation and hippiedom. Yeah, the Civil War was around, but no one cared about that back then. They were too busy getting down with the Doors and the Beatles to really care about any war. Pierce soon joined a Hippie Colony in Wisconsin. Times were good for Pierce in the 60's. He was just happy the Civil War didn't fall in his lap. What a buzz kill that could've been.
Long haired, drunk and high, Pierce became the 3rd President of the Madison Hippie Colony in 1868, one year before his death.
edit King of the Little People
Pierce talked to things that weren't there. Andrew Johnson, who didn't know Pierce, said "That's the damndest thing I ever heard" but he may have been talking about something else. Andrew Johnson didn't have an education, so he was probably fresh off of huffing kittens at the time of the quote. But who cares? Eventually Pierce was deposed by the little people who turned to idolatry.
Eventually after all that drinking Pierce's liver said "To hell with this shit" and quit on him. Pierce died in his bed, an empty brandy glass in his hand. Just before expiring, Pierce looked up at his good friend Nathaniel Hawthorne and said "Jus' wan moar... pleeze." Hawthorne was distracted, looking through the numerous empty bottles lying all over the place, for when he found one and turned to fill Pierce's glass the ex-president was gone.
|President of the United States|
March 4, 1853 – March 4, 1857