Frank Miller

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Ff frankmiller f1

The Goddamn Frank Miller, a moment before realizing he has dropped his cigarette

Frank Miller, also known as the Goddamn Frank Miller is an American Comic Book writer, Lazy Colouring Book Colourer and Super-Pimp. His books address serious social issues such as racial sensitivity, prostitution and dressing up in funny costumes as an excuse to punch people. He was killed by competing graphic novelist Alan Moore in 2007, and letter resurrected in 2010 in order to produce further masterpieces such as Holy Terror: The Movie

edit Early Life

Born in urban Alabama in nineteen-fifty-something, Miller was a child genius. He recreated the Mona Lisa, replaced the Eiffel Tower with a replica that no-one to this day has been able to deem 'not the original', and created Academy Award-winning pornos. His father was a hit man for the mafia, which inspired his memoir book Sin City: Hella Death.

edit The Dark Knight

Miller received a lot of fame for rebooting the well-known vigilante Batman with a much more lighthearted approach. Previous iterations of the Caped Crustader were criticized for being to dark and violent for its audience, like when Batman could not get rid of the bomb and consequently murdered millions of innocent fish off-camera. Frank Miller reforged the character into a noble hero who was strongly resolved never to harm another living thing.

The first Batman book Miller wrote was entitled 'The Dark Knight Returns', which followed the exploits of Batman as an old dude while he aids people in the Arkham retirement home. This book inspired the movie 300, where Batman as depicted as the Christ-like figure Leo-Nadas as he battles the 300-and-one Dalmations. Walt Disney sued Miller over the grounds that the 300-and-one Dalmtions were similar to some other thing he had created, but the court favoured Miller and his horde of lesbian prostitutes that had probably pleasured the judge.

A year after The Dark Knight Returns was published, Miller wrote the prequel book 'Batman: Year One'. It was about infant Bruce Wayne crying a lot and pooping his diapers. It was a critical success.

edit Sin City

Sin City Cover

It was supposed to say 'Sim City', but they ran out of space.

In 1991 Miller was hired to do the promotional graphic novel for Sim City with the release of its 'Guns N' Hookers' expansion pack. Unfortunately, there was not enough space on the cover of the book to spell the full title, so it was renamed Sin City. This tragic printing error would haunt Frank Miller for the rest of his life, both in his career and relationships.

This book became a critical success, with many artists praising its "strong contrast" and "artsy-fartsy approach". Vincent van Gogh mentioned that he really admired Miller's tenacity for publishing a book almost entirely in black and white, except for those few coloured-in parts. Miller spoke on this at a Comic Convention saying, "I sat down to colour it in, but I only had a couple crayons. I had hoped no-one would notice."

edit A Dime to Kill For

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Scrooge McDuck with Goldie, ready to kill for his dime!

By 1993 Frank Miller had proved his worth in the world of comics. He had become so successful that Disney hired him to reboot the Uncle Scrooge comic series.

This resulted in the publication of 'A Dime to Kill For'. In this story, Scrooge McDuck falls in love with an erotic dancer named Goldie, who is subsequently murdered by Magica De Spell in order to get closer to Scrooge's number one dime. Huey, Dewey, and Louie were also murdered over the dime, as well as the Beagle Boy, Mickey Mouse, Buzz Lightyear, and Figment the Dragon. There were a lot of other fatalities, but I kinda skimmed through it so I could finish this article.

For some reason, the Walt Disney Company did not appreciate Miller killing off so many of their best-selling characters and banned him from writing any more Disney books. Even his ingenious script for a story where Mickey Mouse disembowels Osama bin Laden was rejected.

edit Awkward Oblong Format™

Fit-this-on-your-shelf-BITCH

This book won't fit on my goddamn shelf!

Finally, Miller was fed up. He was sick of not being able to kill off core characters and he was sick of not being able to fit the titles on his books. It was in 1998 that Frank Miller created his trademarked 'Awkward Oblong Format™'. The design was ingenious in that it would have more than enough space for the title as well as being to long to fit on a shelf with all the other books.

The first book to be published in this format was '300'. Miller wrote 300 as an outlet for killing all the important characters (Oh, spoilers. whoops!) as well as drawing a lot of naked men.

Awkward Oblong Format™ was banned in several countries, such as Australia and Vatican City due it being a safety hazard. 300 people were injured within the first year of its release by hitting their heads or other body parts on the books because it stuck out of the shelf awkwardly.

Inspired by Nine Eleven, Miller also wrote the book Holy Terror in Awkward Oblong Format™. This book was praised by the United Nations for its liberal views on racial sensitivity.

edit The Decline of Sanity

Frank Miller suffered from a tragic mental illness that caused him to start life as a genius and degrade as he aged. His books stopped making sense and his bowels became uncontrollable. In 2003 he had lost any fragmented sense of literacy he had ever had. Unfit to write, Miller was forced to make movies about his books instead.

While filming Sin City, he was accidentally hit by a car. The car was actually just computer-edited into the film, but the animation was so seamlessly integrated that it physically injured Miller. He was stuck in a coma for a while, then miraculously rose on the 300th day. Immediately after awakening, he summoned a few lesbians to bring him a pencil and some paper. Scribbling like mad, Miller reinvented the Goddamn Batman.

While in his vegetative state, Frank Miller claims he received a vision from God saying "Damn... Batman." God then proceeded to dictate an outline of the character that was more abusive, "badass" and sexual. Miller asked God if this should be published in the Bible along with God's other writing. To this said "Naw, they wouldn't understand it. Most of my good stuff's under pen names like Dav Pilkey and E. L. James." God even expounded the many secrets of the universe to Frank Miller such as how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Due to his deteriorating mental condition, however, Miller only remembered the 'Goddamn Batman' bits. God had also infused Miller's pencil with the power to grow longer whenever he shouted "THUNDER!", so it would never have to be sharpened again.

In the final goddamn chapter of the Goddamn Batman, the goddamn Batman was going to save the whole goddamn world by castrating every single Muslim alive. Just before he could publish this epic, Alan Moore intervened. Unwilling to let a fellow graphic novelist tarnish his name, they fought to the death on a rainy rooftop. Fans respected Moore's choice and considered it a mercy killing, although the cult of Millernites were quite offended.

edit Resurrection and Further Abominations

In 2007, a vengeful group of Millernites led by Mark Millar recovered Miller's goddamn magical pencil and were finally able to resurrect their messiah, Frank Miller. Miller arose from the grave ready to write, but no longer grasped how to write or draw a story. This is evident in books such as Holy Terror, a book of incoherent scribbles he published in 2011.

Frank Miller has spent a lot of his reanimated time underground, since sunlight has a tendency of burning his skin. He did, however announce another sequel to 'The Dark Knight' entitled 'The Goddamn Batman: The Goddamn Master Race' in 2015.

edit Bibliography

  • Daredevil: Bored Again
  • Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
  • Batman: The Dark Knight Strikes Again
  • The Goddamn Batman: The Goddamn Master Race
  • Sin City: The Hard Goodbye
  • Sin City: The Easy Goodbye
  • Sin City: The Medium Goodbye
  • Sin City: Hella Death
  • A Dime to Kill For
  • Ronin
  • 300
  • RoboCop
  • The Goddamn Batman
  • Holy Terror
  • Sex With the City
Famous People who Went Insane
Celebrities with Declining Sanity conditions
Michael Jackson - Adolf Hitler - Rob Liefeld - Rob Ford - Frank Miller - Seth MacFarlane - Your Mom
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