Franciscan University of Steubenville
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Could you still pray [praise] if I tied your hands behind your back?”
“Wait. It's a COLLEGE?”
“I did not have any relations with that college!”
“It's a FoP!”
“What the Fop!?”
Franciscan University of Steubenville is a Catholic institution located in Steubenville, Ohio, 40 miles west of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The school (originally named the "College of Steubenville") was founded in the year "No" AD by the great-great-great ancestor of Oscar Wilde. It is the original City on the Hill, and has since changed to be the headquarters to the wikka branch known as the charismatic movement, but disguised as a Catholic movement.
edit Household Life
A unique aspect of student life at Franciscan University of Steubenville is the existence of "Households." In 1974, then-President Fr. Michael Scanlan instituted the popular cultish practice of these groups.
Each Household has its identity that makes it unique amongst the others, making each of its members feel special while drawing them deeper and deeper into the mouth of El Diablo. Each has a particular obsession, e.g. Orgasmic music as the basis of the spiritual life, making out with the spirit, Don't deny the cult, etc. and tries to live that out with varying commitments, such as weekly or daily sacrificing of rubber chickens, Household Black mass known as "Lord's Day", an actual reliving of the Stations of the Cross, etc. All households have a covenant which spells out their devotions and how they are to live their lives. Any member that fails this covenant is duct-taped to the steel cross on campus and left for dead. To foster a "greater community," oftentimes the household will be located on a particular wing in a dorm with a common room for meetings and fellowship.
These communities have devolved since their beginning. At any time, if a group wants to start a new household it is possible. Little discernment is needed for this process however and all you really need to do is become dependent upon feelings of belonging and give into the words of the Dark One.
Since all of the students are really animals, and are incapable of self-control, the resnet contains a "parental block", preventing students from accessing sites that utilize the internet for what it was intended for. On top of that , the internet that is labeled as "DSL" is actually VERY slow. Also, all of the good college sites, are banned, such as "ytmnd", "albinoblacksheep", "newgrounds", "E-baums world", and even fucking "wikipedia", because of their article on Breasts.
OIT is completely incompetent. They once told a student that their computer was the problem for their inability to connect to the internet, via resnet. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the school has changed up their phone system over the summer, so now, one can't even use a dial-up connection to obtain a more reliable internet. ResNet is like an fat old man, everything is clogged OIT claims that your internet is self-healing
edit Youth Conferences
Held frequently, these include popular music set with a catchy beat with subliminal messages to brainwash their audience members about the nature of the community on campus. The semester begins with a "Function of Pretending", or "FoP" in which they try to suck in as many people as they can to their cultish beliefs, drawing them by making them feel dependent upon the community. They also draw upon the orgasmic involvement in a song, based off the movement from the 70's of becoming part of the song. Holiness is seen as being more emotionally moved by a song, and gifts known as charisms are given to those faithful to these cultish ideals. (No, really!)
edit Charismatic Joke
At this university, it is known that once a month, usually during a full moon, the students gather to what is known as a Function of Pretending where catchy music involving the words "God", "Holy Spirit", "Praise", "Fire", and something about "Coming" are used in a grotesque form of mockery, and this is promoted by the "Priests", the intermediaries known as "Festival leaders" as well as the administration. At a "FoP", the attendants raise their hands in the air, hoping that the Spirit of Power will take them over, and when it leaves, will set them literally on fire, because humans can't handle it's awesome power. Some people cry when the Great Spirit enters them. It's because they don't call it the "Great" Spirit for nothing. Then, after the FoP, they try to set everything (especially their "comrades" or "brothers and sisters") on fire, because the Spirit of Power told them to. At Mass, this same music is played, and like dogs to a whistle, the hands shoot up, in an all-too familiar salute to their leader, the Great Spirit. "FOPers" try to achieve "commune" with "The Spirit of Power," an intense emotional state upon which is the basis of their relationship with "God." (Now THAT is true!!) This is widely considered to be an animalistic state. These people are also called by outsiders to be "FOPtastic."
edit Academic Majors
Franciscan University offers 666 Majors and 666 Minors. All of which are a particular focus of Theology. The nature of the this focus of study focuses on the nature of theology as the dictatorship of the administration wishes it to be taught, according to the teachings of the occult to turn innocent students into Zombies.
Masters programs include those in "Theology:" Business of Theology, Philosophy of Theology, Theologian Counseling, and Theology Education, and Cultish Theology. The University also offers Pre-Professional Programs including those in Pre-Dentistry Theology, Pre-Law Theology, and Pre-Medicine Theology, and Pre-Cultanea among others.
edit Communication Arts
They are a special major on campus, because they made the site. They are known to congregate in the dank tunnels and caverns of the Egan Hall basement, studying awesome things such as 'The Theology of TV', and 'Fun With Macromedia 2'. In their spare time, they can be found behind the rugby pitch, LARPing.