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The French language is a strange manner of speaking, practiced by a tribe called the French. It is spoken in a country shaped like a star-shaped sugar cookie after one too many uses of the rolling pin — a country named France, also in many islands scattered through the world, referred to as the départements d'outre merde.
The French language can also be found en Canada français, en Suisse, en Belgique, even en Sénégal, ou in the lands of the Smurfs. This covers most of the places in the world where people are black, or blue, or blue after walking two blocks. However, real French-speakers wrinkle their noses and walk away when they hear these varieties of the French language.
Speakers of the French language — who mostly do so on their Franco-phones — do so only to irritate English-speakers. When there is no English-speaker nearby, the French do not use the French language at all among themselves.
Given la very low-lying position of les Frenchmen dans la evolutionary scale, les French count numbers using all four hands, en base twenty. Here are some examples:
- 3: twat (the final "t" is silent)
- 20: vingt (lit. twenty)
- 79: soixante dix neuf (lit. sixty nineteen 60+19)
- 80: quatre-vingts (lit. four twenties, 4*20), ène egain, you've sine noszsing, ine Belgique, itse « Octante »
- 94: quatre-vingt quatorze (lit. four twenties and fourteen, 4*20 + 14), note like ze "s" diceupearz sometaïmes
ok, you get it. They have also developed special symbols for the numbers from 10 to 19. Here are some examples:
- 11: a bottle of wine
- 12: a woman bending over, on her knees
- 14: la tour Eiffel
- 16: a snail climbing up
- 17: a woman's leg
- 18: a frog
- 19: a snail climbing down
|Francais numerals un-dix|
|1- errn||2- derr||3- twa||4- cut|
|5- sank||6- sis||7- set||8- whit|
edit French Canadian version
The combination of French numerals and Imperial units tends to piss off even the most good-natured Canadian. They have developed their own very special names for the powers of 20:
- 400 = 20^2: marde,
- 8000 = 20^3: Crisse,
- 64 000 000 = 20^6: viarge,
- 512 000 000 000 = 20^9: tabarnac, or maybe hockeyus
- 512 128 024 800: tabarnac deux-viarge trois-Crisse deux-marde!
Même si en fait, "shit" en français est "merde", et pas "marde". Quel dommage! C'est con, ça alors, hein ? Oui bon, en fait, marde c'est la version québécoise de merde parce que la langue française de France a évolué différemment. Voilà. ("Les françaaais d'France manquent de fibre dans leurs baguettes et leurs pâtés d'foie gras, alors leur marde a l'aspect de merde." --Jos Tarbarnac)
edit French R
The "R" in French is not pronounced like in English. It kind of sounds like gargling. If you can do this, than you can pretty much pass for French.
Here's How: -Open your mouth.
-Close your throat and carefully enunciate the sound K, several times.
-Pay attention to where in your throat the K sound is made. We'll call this the K place. -Begin slowly closing your throat, as if to keep from swallowing a mouthful of liquid, until you can almost feel the K place. Your throat should be only partially constricted.
-Tense the muscles around the K place.
-Gently push air through your partially constricted throat.
Practice saying Ra-Ra-Ra (where R = steps 4-6) every day. Tips:
-Try not to think of this letter as an R. The French R is nothing like the English R (pronounced in the middle of the mouth) or the Spanish R (pronounced in the front of the mouth). The French R is pronounced in the throat.
-The French R sounds a lot like the ch in 'Loch Ness' and the kh in Arabic transcription (e.g., Khalid).
Arabic is not a living language like English. Like French, it too is a dead language. L'Âcâdêmîê Frânçôîsê prevents French from growing by retarding her development by putting alcohol in her feeding tube and carbon monoxide in her respirator. Donc défense de changer !
edit French Verbs
French verbs are without a doubt the most mind-bending aspect of the French language, where the end of a verb shovels in meaning concerning tense, mood, person, number, possibility, intent, sincerity, familiarity, supposition, and likelihood of getting it on with you, all crammed into mostly silent letters that the French can sense by telepathy, but you can't (good luck!) Even the simplest verb may morph into bizarre forms:
ALLER: To go
- Je vais: I am going
- Tu vas: You (familiar person) are going
- Vous allez: You (rude stranger) are going
- J'irai: I will go
- J'irais: I would go (since the "s" is silent, turn on that telepathy to tell the difference from the previous. Good luck!)
- Je serais allé: I would have gone
- Que j'aille: ...that I may go... (this is the Subjunctive Tense, which resembles a grue and, like a grue, often comes up only in imaginary, supposed or unlikely situations.)
- J'iraîghghghr: I'll go if I feel like it; stop bugging me!
- Que j'eusse aillâàâààrgh: (literary 18th-century tense; no longer used in speech except in Normandy) ...that I may have gone, but the traffic and carriages and the constant stench of horse-offal dissuaded me...
Males who are not of French-speaking origin, who decide to take French, are certainly faggots. Think of all the guys you knew in college who took French AS A MAJOR and name one you would feel safe being in the shower with after a rough game of soccer. That's right. If someone took French as either a minor or simply took a couple introductory classes, they are most likely not homos, but simply had to conform to some pinko college rule that said they had to take a second or third foreign language.
Here are several ways to say, "I surrender" in French:
- Je me rends (I surrender)
- Je capitule (I capitulate)
- Je me livre (I give up myself)
- Je m’ arrête (I stop)
- Je renonce (I give up)
- Je cède (I give in)
- Je déclare forfait (I forfeit)
edit French in the nature
French is also spoken by nature, especially, river, jungle, lake and swamp. but French they speak is very special, so we hear it as croaking.