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“In Soviet Russia....fox hunt YOU!!”
Fox hunting is when a bunch of country toffs go out on horses and use a load of beagles to hunt anything that even remotely resembles a fox. Fox hunting is unlikely to be banned, due to the mass canine unemployment it would cause.
The Origins of Fox Hunting
Fox hunting began as a popular ritual among foxes, who would chase humans who had placed their chickens in secure areas. In response, humans invented guns, which they later used on themselves. The humans then got out their dogs, put on their Sunday best, enslaved horses and rode out to meet the foxes. The battle, now known as the Battle of Falkirk (the government decided to replace the foxes with the English and the toffs with the Scottish), was not that bloody, and in the end the foxes surrendered. Now fox hunts are organised across the country to hunt down rebellious foxes.
Influence on Rats
Rats have been known to hunt feral cheeses on the back of cats - these are believed to be copycat crimes of fox hunting. These crimes have gone up by 50% over the last five years because of the amount of publicity fox hunting has been getting recently (down with freedom of speech!)
When the Foxes Fight Back
Recently, many foxes have been cornered by dogs only to be found to be carrying AK-47s and bazookas. Tony B. Liar says the weapons were supplied by Al-Qaeda, and that the notorious rebel fox leader Hisham bin Fayed should go on the FBI Most Wanted list. Of course, he already was, as he had a terrorist-like name.
The Debate about the Ban
- Point for the ban: Foxes are ... well ... nice.
- Point against: No they aren't! They're vermin, and they're ginger!
- Point for: Hey! I'm ginger!
- Point against: OK, I take that back. Anyway, if Chuck Norris stopped killing foxes it could mean the end of the human race (except for Chuck Norris obviously)!
- Point for: Oh yeah, I didn't think of that! We should stop the ban.
- Point against: I admire your fickle nature. I think you were right to support the ban in the first place.
- Point for: I'm actually quite resolute. I'm sticking by my guns this time. Fight the ban. Fight Prejudice.
- Point against: Murdering scum.
(n.b: the debate can become very complex as demonstrated here and should be left for experienced types who 'understand this sort of thing')
Causes of Fox Hunting
Fox hunting is thought to be caused by a combination of a psychotic urge to kill without having the actual capacity to kill a lemming on Prozac, and having nothing better to do with a group of beagles, several horses and a trumpet. A new medical condition, Tea-N-Crumpetts' Syndrome, has recently been diagnosed as inducing a hatred of foxes, as well as a craving for Sunday luncheon and kippers for breakfast.
How to Sabotage a Fox Hunt
There are many ways to sabotage a fox hunt - here are just a few:
- 1. Spray yourself with pledge and lead the hunt over a bypass.
- 2. Mute the trumpet to create suspense and alert the fox to the fact that something is up.
- 3. Bribe the beagles to stop by offering them fags.
- Call in an air strike lead by USMC Captain Obvious
- 4. Kill all the foxes in the area so there's nothing to hunt.
- 5. Melt all the snares with a soldering iron, rendering them useless and leaving a huge patch of burnt ground.
- 6. Convince the hunters that using dogs and snares are the way forward, and lead the dogs through the snares, leaving the hunters to fight hand to hand with the fox - and lose horribly.
- 7. Use your long, unwashed hair as a net to trap the beagles.
When a Fox Hunt Goes Wrong
you know when a fox hunt has gone wrong when...
- 1. The fox you have bagged is actually Chuck Norris dressed as a pig
- You realized that the foxes come back to life because, your dumbass kid burried them in that pet cemetery you told them not to
- 2. The only person left alive is a black and white beagle called Snoopy
- 3. You look down the barrel and you can see Your Mom naked in your bathroom window
- 4. If all the foxes come back as evil zombies trying rape Paris Hilton in L.A State Prison
- 5. When you suddenly find yourself on a beach in the Bhamas
- 6. You find yourself sinking in quicksand
- 7. You find out that you shot your beagle instead of the fox
- 8. You are just about to shoot a fox when you realise you have no trousers on
- 9. When you finally catch the fox you discover that it is actually Amy Winehouse's hair.
- 10. You're dead.