Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse

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Historic travels of the Norsemen of the Apocalypse.

The Norsemen of the Apocalypse (not to be confused with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) are six (yes, six) people that will show up riding ostriches and handing out gifts when peace is achieved on Earth. The two extra riders were added on October 18, 1968 by the United Nations at the request of Norway for reasons stated below. Cecil maintains his observer status within the organisation, as he is often busy being the sixth Beatle.

edit Biblical Reference

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The earliest reference to the Norsemen is in the Bible, in the following lines from The Book of Buffy, Chapter 4, Verses 3-16:

"And I saw, and beheld a white house: and he that sat in it had an image problem; and the power to suspend the constitution was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer."
"And there went out another horse that was well-read: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take a piece from the earth, and that they should do one another: and there was given unto him a great bag of goodies."
"And I beheld, and lo a black russian; and he that sat on him had a pair of trousers in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, "This loneliness is killing me and I I must confess I still believe (still believe!). When you're not with me I lose my mind. Give me a sign. Hit me, baby, one more time."
"And I looked, and behold a pale horse, even though I checked the hat and there was nothing in it and no false bottom, so where'd the horse come from? And his name that sat on him was death, and Karl Rove followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with little tiny knives in your cereal, and with death, which is totally redundant, and with the breasts of the earth."

edit History

In days of yore, the Four Horsemen each represented one of the four primary religious sects: Mooslemen, Scientologists, Atheists and Marxists. With the addition in 1946 and 1952 (respectively) of the latest religious sects, Christians and Jews, the United Nations decreed that two more must be added, in order to foster a climate of acceptance and tolerance among world religions. This led to the great intifada where blood ran through the streets of Jerusalemn as the Mooslemen rebelled. Again.

As the Norse people had been traditionally underrepresented in this rôle, after years of political wrangling two Norsemen were dutifully appointed in 1968; Salt and Pepa.

edit The Norsemen

Unfortunately, by this time the original Four Horsemen had retired, waving a banner entitled Mission Accomplished. They sold their horses to Santa, who currently rides Rudolph into battle each and every Easter.

Following Keith Relf's death and subsequent taming of Death in 1976, the Four Horsemen reunited to form the band Armageddon with Death as manager, leading to nine albums and interdimensional fame over a period of time from 1976-1987. They later broke unofficially up due to the erratic nature of War, who they were contractually obligated to tour with but could never quite catch up to.

The retired Horsemen live simple lives now, enjoying their silver years and the finer aspects of civilized life.

The Norsemen weren't so fortunate. Pepa was killed in a freak barnstorming accident, which so upset Salt that he meditated up the nature of life, became a born again Christian named Sodium, and travelled over Niagara Falls in a watertight barrel, which split at the bottom of the falls. Sodium reacted violently with water, and he exploded, destroying both the original natural wonder and the city which surrounds it. And that's why we don't have sex in the bum.

edit Changing of the Guard

Distraught by the deaths of both their Norsemen, Norway (with the help of the Four Horsemen as Armageddon) petitioned the United Nations to admit two replacement Norsemen. In an effort to appease the European juggernaut, the UN acquiesed to the Norse' demands and, in 1986, Vinegar and Nutmeg were admitted as Norsemen of the Apocalypse to replace their slain brethren. Further efforts to bring the number of Norsemen to an actual four resulted in the addition of Linguini and Meat Sauce (later revealed to be Karl Rove).

edit Norsemen of the Apocalypse

  1. War
  2. Famine
  3. Cloud Strife
  4. Pestilence
  5. Drunk

and:

  • Salt (replaced by Vinegar)
  • Pepa (replaced by Nutmeg, Linguini and Meat Sauce)
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