Fosters

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Bass-beer

“Australia's greatest victory is, not only managing to export an unpopular beverage, but of indeed convincing the world that Fosters is in fact drinkable.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Fosters

“Fosters: Australian for 'tourist'.”
~ Winston Churchill on Fosters

Fosters, popularly known throughout the world as "Australian for Budweiser", is a beer that is one of Australia's major exports. This is largely because no one in Australia wants to drink it. This is because of the fact that Fosters is a chemical agent used to gas thousands of soldiers during World War One

Popular alternatives are available in Australia to emulate the catastrophic result of drinking Fosters. XXXX, or "Four-X", is vile, sweet-tasting beer-like fluid from Queensland that carries the added bonus of never having to learn how to spell beer.

Another is VB, a unique blend of feline menstrual liquid and grass clipping. Do not be fooled, good reader, into thinking that this wet substance counts as a beverage. Rather, be skeptical and employ your choice of weapon on your assailant.

edit Origins

Fosters (originally Don Foster's) beer was first brewed on Ayers Rock in the late 19th century. A liberal use of Honeypot ants in the recipe creates for the bright golden colour if the beer. These are ants whose abdomens swell up like up fat louts on a racist march and are used as nectar larders by other ants. The distinct formic acid flavour comes from including the rest of the luckless insect in the mixture.

The drink's popularity acted as an incentive when it wasn't given to the troops. In the 1915 Gallipoli campaign, Australian troops were promised a generous ration by the British officers if they chased Johnny Turk all the way to Constantinople in the First World War. Many an ANZAC did just that but as Mel Gibson discovered, the Brits were lousy at keeping their word.

Fosters first came to Britain in the 1960s when cans were carried half way across the globe by Australian back packers who missed the taste and were disgusted by the 'beer' served in the Old Country. The first cultural ambassador to be known for his Fosters promotion was Professor Barry McKenzie in the 1970s. He was later sacked after extensive indecency and replaced by Paul 'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan.

edit A Duty of Care

Care must be taken not to be discouraged from drinking Australian beer all together. Many a youth have fallen victim to drinking beverages previously black-listed by animal rights activists, the United Nations and Frank Zappa. Such deviant, darstadly and deceptive drinks commonly appear under the alias of Bacardi Breezer, Vodka Cruiser, Smirnoff Ice or other various imported beverages. If consumption occurs, please induce vomiting. For best results, catch espousing liquid in a bucket for possible recycling as Fosters.

Instead, drink Coopers, Cascade, Little Creatures, Squire's, Carlton Draught, West-End, Boggs or Boags.

Also, one of the most Popular Advertising Slogans in America is "Fosters.....Australian for Beer", Thus Proving the popular Australian Saying "American.....Australian For Wanker"

edit Practical uses

  • Issued to English cricket fans as missiles during cricket test matches
  • Used in the form of Molotov Fosters by insurgent Canterbury Bulldog fans against rival NSW teams
  • Deployed by police to dissolve (or sometimes incite) rioting
  • Burnt during seounces to ward off the dead and Indonesians
  • Replaced Mustard Gas as an effective chemical warfare gas during world war one
  • Substitute for real beer (not advised)
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