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Forums: Index > BHOP > VIVA LA REVOLUCION!!!
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TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST! RATAUBE has betrayed us with his anousment on the anti-Benson page to kill the Great BENSON! This goes gnst the unwritten code Of THE LEAGUE OF BENSOn he unwritingly signed when he joined THE LEAGUE OF BENSON. As such he has been kicked and is to be consittered an enamy of this Empire we are trying to creature here. DEATH TO ANY WHO WOULD BETRAY BENSON! Benson 00:47, 9 June 2006 (UTC)

Can This Be Borne?

When User:Benson first appeared on the scene, I will admit, I was overwhelmed, dazzled, caught up in all the pomp and circumstance. I thought that here, finally, we had our new leader, the user to take Uncyclopedia into the 22nd Century. But my friends, I was wrong! For in spite of my support, what do I have to show for it? Nothing, my friends! Not even a nice little template!

I say the time has come to rise up! User:Rataube has finally, after lo these many hours, shown us that there is another path: He has shown us, in the end, that BENSON is a false god, a charlatan, a pretender! Are we to abandon our brother Uncyclopedian Rataube in this, his hour of greatest need? I say NO! For I, and many of you as well, have fought many battles with Rataube - we have conquered many wikis together, defended our homeland from invaders from all sides, and watched as many of our comrades fell - but never has his courage wavered, never has he let us down. Rataube has shown us the way! Together, we can resist the corrupt, despotic rule of BENSON and bring order and security back to Uncyclopedia forever! Together, we can win! Yes, some of us may die, but the resistance will live on! Death is the least we have to fear! BREAK THE CHAINS OF OPPRESSION! VIVA LA REVOLUCION! VIVA LA RESISTANCE! VIVA LA UNCYCLOPEDIA!

But First...

Before we get started, I'm going to go get some more doughnuts - Bradley ate practically the whole box last time.  c • > • cunwapquc? 02:01, 9 June 2006 (UTC)


All Benson has done since Benson has come to this realm is give you hope and templates (with help of supporters), but all you have given Benson is death threats and curses! If it weren't for Benson what would this world be like? NOTHING, FOR BENSON IS THE CREATOR! Benson has Dealt with lots of hatred but STILL HE STANDS FIRM. (like a standing firm man) You say you are defending him but I say he is the ATTACKER! Benson only acts in self defence. Don't turn this into a war you CAN NOT win... Benson 12:14, 9 June 2006 (UTC) should I put this. Perhaps IRC style:

*Caputosis hands Benson his AxeiconaxesAxeicon
<Caputosis> have fun, and don't take your eye out.
<Caputosis> Well, you can take one out, but leave the other, just in case you need it.

That sufficient? ^_^ ~Caputosis likesto shakethings up14:16, 9 June 2006 (UTC)


Benson, what have you done???

You were the chosen one! It was said that you would end our endless conflicts and edit wars, not inflame them! It was said that you would bring balance to Uncyclopedia, not leave it in darkness!InfiniteMonkey 21:13, 9 June 2006 (UTC)

Technically, Benson is ending the wars... the hard way. Also, Benson enjoys inflaming things. The flames mesmerize Benson with their beauty... oh beautiful flame, why do you burn me so? Benson 22:32, 9 June 2006 (UTC)

Death to the enemy! Or something of that nature... --Uncyclon - Do we still link to BENSON? 22:57, 9 June 2006 (UTC)

Which enemy? Maybe we should all change our sigs to indicate whether we're pro-Benson or anti-Benson.  c • > • cunwapquc? 00:04, 10 June 2006 (UTC)
Me, I'm anti-Benson. Not that I dislike Benson, it's just that the attempts to ban Benson and whatnot make the whole Benson thing even funnier. Good writing *thrives* on conflict. (engage caps-lock) DEATH TO BENSON!!! BAN HIM!!! InfiniteMonkey 01:33, 10 June 2006 (UTC)
The enemy being the Anti-Benson. --Uncyclon - Do we still link to BENSON? 01:59, 10 June 2006 (UTC)
Would the Anti-Benson be BENSON? Or perhaps "benson", who would type in all-lowercase?InfiniteMonkey 02:07, 10 June 2006 (UTC)
Probably. --Uncyclon - Do we still link to BENSON? 04:09, 10 June 2006 (UTC)
Well, I think the first step towards freeing ourselves from the yoke of Benson is to learn how to refer to ourselves in the first person. I think I'll go add that to Template:Recent, assuming I haven't been banned or anything. Also, I think User:InfiniteMonkey would be a perfect choice for the anti-Benson - I mean, he's been here for what, at least six weeks? And his user page is still a red link? What more could we ask for!  c • > • cunwapquc? 04:40, 10 June 2006 (UTC)
Hm. I see what you mean. (a) I spell and punctuate and form sentences correctly and don't abuse CAPS LOCK. (b) I often try to comment positively on other people's work instead of referring to them as puny monkeys. (c) I don't have a user page since I don't believe self-glorification and vanity. Alright, I accept the offer to be Anti-Benson. But wait... isn't that a form of vanity, to think you're worthy of being Benson's equal? In which case I must decline. Which makes me eligible! But wait, if I'm only declining so I can be Anti-Benson then I'm really wanting to be anti-Benson so I'm not worthy so... damn. Catch-22'ed. Also, I actually think the Benson thing is hilarious so I don't know if that'd be a good choice in terms of a comic foil.InfiniteMonkey 19:31, 10 June 2006 (UTC)


See here, the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia, Epistle of Chron, for the classical description of the 'antibenson':

"Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antibenson shall come, even now are there many antibensons; whereby we know that it is the last time.
They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us.
But ye have an unction from the Holy One, and ye know all things.
I have not written unto you because ye know not the truth, but because ye know it, and that no lie is of the truth.
Who is a liar but he that denieth that Benson is the BENSON? He is antibenson, that denieth the Father and the Son.
Whosoever denieth the Son, the same hath not the Father, but he that acknowledgeth the Son hath the Father also.
Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning. If that which ye have heard from the beginning shall remain in you, ye also shall continue in the Son, and in the Father.
And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life."
So there is the truth about the Anti-BENSON, for those who wanted to know. ~ Ghelæ talkcontribs 06:54, 10 June 2006 (UTC)

Actaly the real Anti-Benson is named Fawaz and lives in a cardboard box outside Benson's swamp. Perhaps you have heard of him... Benson 22:37, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

Oh yeah... Fawaz, that little git... but he does follow that definition though. ~ Ghelæ talkcontribs 14:52, 15 June 2006 (UTC)

Drive Like Benson

When the lookout standing on the tower in Forum:Village Dump saw User:Benson's troops approaching, he called out:
"Hey guys, Benson's troops are here."
"Get a horseman," User:InfiniteMonkey ordered. "Send him to meet them and ask: Do you come in peace?"
The horseman rode off to meet Benson and said, "This is what InfiniteMonkey says: Do you come in peace?"
"Who gives a pee about peace?" Benson replied. "I AM BETTER THAN YOU."
The lookout reported to InfiniteMonkey: "The messenger has reached them, but he seems to be having self-esteem issues."
So InfiniteMonkey sent out a second horseman. When he came to them he said, "This is what InfiniteMonkey says: Do you come in peace?"
Benson replied, "Who gives a tinkle about peace? I AM BENSON! BENSON DOES NOT USE LOWER-CASE!"
The lookout then reported: "He has reached them, but he does not return hence; the driveling is like that of Benson, son of Captain Obvious — he drivels like a madman."
"Hitch up my kitten," InfiniteMonkey ordered. And, when it was hitched up, InfiniteMonkey, Ruler of Blank User Pages, and Old Somey, Ruler of Nothing in Particular (Thank YHWH™) rode out, each in a brand-new Buick Kitten, to meet Benson.
They met him at the plot of ground that had belonged to User:Splaka the Forum Mover.
When InfiniteMonkey saw Benson he asked: "Have you come in peace, Benson?"
"How can there be peace," Benson replied, "as long as YOUR CAPS-LOCK INDICATOR REMAINS INACTIVE AND UNLIT???"
InfiniteMonkey turned about and walked off, calling out to Somey, "Staleness, Somey! Staleness!"
And so they returned and ate still more doughnuts, and eventually fell into a deep coma.
 c • > • cunwapquc? 06:59, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

Alls quiet on the Uncyclopedia Front


So... what are we saying here? We can just hang out in the Dunkin' Donuts for a while until Benson's so-called "monekys" get bored and go home? Or starve to death out in the hot sun while we eat doughnuts and drink Hazelnut Supremo? I'm not seeing this as much of a challenge. Well... I guess there's all the peeing, what with my prostate acting up and all.  c • > • cunwapquc? 06:14, 13 June 2006 (UTC)
Benson's monkeys won't starve to death. They'll be drinking the blood of their enemies! And as for your pittiful donuts, Benson makes donuts for breakfeast! ALL HAIL THE NEW ORDER! Benson 12:14, 13 June 2006 (UTC)
Hold on here, B. You're saying you're going to feed human blood to an army of monkeys to prevent them from starving? Dude, monkeys are vegetarians. They eat bananas, coconuts, mangoes, stuff like that. If you feed them human blood, especially if you haven't removed any live pathogens via some sort of pasteurization process, you'll kill them, or at best make them seriously ill, not to mention fiber-deficient (and we all know what that smells like). Our side will win by default, all whilst stuffing ourselves with yummy glazed, powdered, and chocolate-covered doughnuts — some of which you yourself made for breakfast, but just forgot to take with you. See? My brilliantly conceived doughnut-based masterplan is working perfectly! Uhh, like, yee-hah. (blows nose)  c • > • cunwapquc? 19:13, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

You must be confused...these puny monkeys are called 'Humans' and they will drink/eat what benson tells them to. As for blood being bad for them,I AM THE MIGHTY BENSON AND I WILL PERSONALY CLENSE THE INPERFECTIONS FROM THE BLOOD WITH MY ALL KNOWING BEARD HAIRS! Benson 22:27, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

Well, that's better, admittedly... But I still think you've got to go for a more balanced diet than that. You know, the five major food groups: Doughnuts, coffee, cigarettes, chocolate, and alcohol. Blood has plenty of iron, potassium and Vitamin B12 in it, but it's really not all that nutritious otherwise. And do you really have a beard? If you don't mind my asking, is it a long, stringy beard, or more of a bushy sort of affair?  c • > • cunwapquc? 22:39, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

Benson's beard is a wild one made up of two smaller beards. But enofgh of that. Join the Benson Revilution or die. Benson 23:01, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

I dunno... Aren't we all just going to die anyway, eventually? I mean, ultimately what's the point? Is there really any purpose or meaning to existence? I mean, I'm 44, so all of my best years are behind me already. And besides, I don't think we should just gloss over this beard issue. How is that you have two beards? If you had two beards you would have to have two faces, would you not? And then you'd be "Two-Faced Benson." That doesn't sound so good.  c • > • cunwapquc? 23:10, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

Benson's beard is beond your comprehention. And if that is your posistion on death you are unfit to live in Benson's new order and so your life is forfit. Benson 23:23, 13 June 2006 (UTC)

OK, we'll forget about the beard — for now — but what would be a more appropriate "position" on death? Now you're just not making any sense. Should I instead claim that death is an illusion, a meaningless fear, a mere joke? What purpose would that serve, other than self-delusion? And frankly, none of this addresses the more important issue, namely the fact that your spelling is atrocious. In fact, you sort of remind me of someone... someone I've dealt with before... Naaah!  c • > • cunwapquc? 00:56, 14 June 2006 (UTC)
Benson's beard has a fist behind it, if he has two beards, then he has two fists behind them. Only Benson is able to have two beards at once, neither Chuck Norris nor Derek Smart could attempt such a feat. Those fists are deadly and can fell elephants with one hit. Benson spells things the Benson way, the rest of us are the ones who spell things wrong. Only someone with two beards and the true correct way of spelling contrary to a dictonary can have the power over death. Fear Benson, fear the CAPS LOCK key on his keyboard, or else pay the press (yes he spells 'price' that way)! --2nd_Lt Orion Blastar (talk) 03:07, 14 June 2006 (UTC)

Here here. Benson 23:35, 14 June 2006 (UTC)

Well, I don't think anyone is disputing the fearfulness of Benson's CAPS LOCK key. Clearly this is his greatest weapon, without question. And maybe I'm just old-fashioned for wanting everyone to spell things the traditional way - after all, I grew up in an era when people still used pens for actually writing, whereas today people only use them to sign checks and credit card receipts. (Some people were even using typewriters back then! Amazing.) But this thing with the beards with fists behind them just seems a little fishy to me. I mean, wouldn't they just be hairy gloves, when you get right down to it? If the fists are so deadly, wouldn't the hairy gloves kind of dull the blows?  c • > • cunwapquc? <>
Benson's beards are so tough that they are made out of steel or steel wool or something like it. I never was hit by one, so I don't really know. Except that they can send an elephant 300 feet after knocking it out. Benson can alter reality so that his version of spelling words are the correct ones, due to the power of his CAPS LOCK key. --2nd_Lt Orion Blastar (talk) 21:19, 14 June 2006 (UTC)

YOur attempt to drawn focus away from the revilution only helps Benson's cause. Therefore Benson will induge you. Death is the gatway to Benson's old realm, the realmsome call Heaven. It is there in what is currently called Dead-land that awaits those who die. There the dead bask in Benson's glory or suffure in Benson's fits of rage. (depends of the day of the week) Benson 01:36, 14 June 2006 (UTC)

Thank you for indulging me! You may be the first person here at Uncyclopedia who's ever done that, to be honest. I guess death would be okay, really - better than talking to some company's CIO who stayed late at the office to run your data conversion program and is now calling you at 9 PM to yell at you about how it "missed a couple of records." Nevertheless, my attempt to draw focus away from the whole revolution thing may end up being more effective than you think. Several of the admins here are completely sick of me, you see - so my drawing you into a lengthy, rambling discussion is probably trying their patience to the point where all of these forums will just be huffed out of sheer frustration. I could go on like this for weeks, possibly even years. What's more, during those weeks (or years) I might just randomly disappear for days at a time, possibly longer, with no warning, and then show up again later as if nothing had happened. Nobody has any idea as to why I do this, or what my motives are, other than to be annoying, of course. So are you sure you don't want to negotiate some sort of deal here? Like maybe, you start using a spell-checker, in return for my just going off and doing something else?  c • > • cunwapquc? 03:39, 14 June 2006 (UTC)

Your stupidity has bored Benson. Benson shall now contuinue with his work. Benson 20:00, 14 June 2006 (UTC)

Stupidity...? Perhaps. But when you consider that getting you to become bored with all this stuff, sooner rather than later, was the linchpin of my brilliantly conceived masterplan from the very beginning... It kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?  c • > • cunwapquc? 02:01, 15 June 2006 (UTC)
No. Benson 12:13, 16 June 2006 (UTC)
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