Forum:The Great Pake Debate of '08
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As you are all well aware by now, the race for President/Dictator of Uncyclopedia is in full swing with two prominent tickets taking a commanding lead in the polls. However, recent allegations have come to light that the liberal Bradaphraser/Modusoperandi ticket have been misleading their delegates about their stance on pie and cake. Elements of the opposing ticket have hinted that instead of supporting pie and cake for Uncyc editors, Brad and Modus will in fact be sinking valuable resources into the abomination known as pake. Members of the Brad/Modus ticket were quick to fire back with allegations of their own, claiming that STM and Spang are accepting campaign donations from Big Wiki.
In order to
help prevent this from turning into a wildly entertaining demoralizing mud slinging contest, I am officially inviting the candidates to participate in a formal debate hosted by me (or anybody else if I can't be arsed to follow up on this) using Classical Debate rules (whatever the hell those are).
I will pose the first question, both parties are free to answer as they see fit.
Considering the recent downward trend of the American economy and the current administration's failure to do anything to reduce our dependence on foreign oil, the most important question weighing on the majority of voter's mind is really quite obvious. Seriously, pie or cake? --OptyC Sucks! CUN 23:10, 21 March 2008 (UTC)
- Death, please. --
23:11, 21 March 2008 (UTC)
- /me shoots TKF. We aim to please! /me shoots myself. I'm sorry about the pun, guys. Really, really sorry. - 23:19, Mar 21
We believe that pastries and baked goods of all types and colors can co-exist in harmony. BUT THEY CAN'T BE COMBINED. That's just wrong. Our opponents want to use stem cells and aborted third-trimester fetuses to genetically engineer "pake". This is wrong in the eyes of BENSON! Me 'n' Spang promise cake for all, pie for some, and pake for NONE! In summary, I luv puppies. --00:02, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
I know that I speak for all good Uncyclopedians when I say that we should not, nay, can not, avoid this important question any longer. For too long, too many people of character have used that character, as well as other characters, like the humble comma, to hide their heads in the sand, dodging the bullet that hangs over our Achilles' heel like the sword of Damocles.02:35, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
- I think what the voters really want is some cie. Recent polling among Uncyclopedians has indicated that, while pake's approval ratings have fallen a staggering 23%, cie is up 17%. Cie is what Uncyclopedia needs in '08. -- §. | WotM | PLS | T | C | A 04:27, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
We need some discipline around here
Therefor I purpose a new set of candidates: Famine/Zombiebaron `08. Anyone with me?10:32, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
We need some anarchy around here
Running against the authoritarian ticket, Famine/Zombiebaron, I propose a new new set of candidates: Benson/LOLZORZ `08: A Better (than you) Tomorrow. -- §. | WotM | PLS | T | C | A 10:56, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
Excellant! Far too long has Uncyc been ruled by an anachronistic bi-party system. The addition of the Famine/Zombiebaron and Benson/LOLZORZ tickets add a welcome aspect of diversity to an already exciting campaign. Let me be the first to wish our new candidates good luck. Now, on with the debate. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Optimuschris (talk • contribs)
“Christ sakes, let it die already!”
Speaking on behalf of Famine/ZB
“Ban the universe, no cakes whatsoever. You all die and you rotten corpses shall be processed for the greater good of Uncyclopedia”
As you well know, the laise-faire comedy system has served us well, lo these many years. As such, we will increase government spending on programs unrelated to this question, while cutting comedy taxes for small comedy businesses across this great Wiki, which will lead to increased pressure on the tattered fabric of the social safety net. Yes, some people will be deeply scarred by our economic program. No, these people will not be you. Instead, "they" will be special interest groups with their special interests. As Uncyclopedians we have no special interests in anyone but you, Uncyclopedians. While our honourable opponents consistently castigate us for our idealistic and optimistic outlook on changing changes we, Brada-MO, will stick to our guns, no matter how empty they may be.21:11, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
- Stm and Spang keep trying to distract the public from the important issue in this election: waffles. We all have an opinion on this divisive issue, and whatever your opinion is, chances are good we've held that position at one time ourselves. Vote Bradaphraser/Modusoperandi '08. Whether you're for or against waffles, we agree with you.-- 22:38, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
Modus did heroin in college. --21:34, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
- Hell, everybody did heroin in college, it's a perquisite. However, I have it on trusted sources that he also did your mom, and several others'. 22:14, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
Bradaphraser touched me inappropriately. • Spang • • 22:36, 22 Mar 2008
- I'm not sure that there is an appropriate way to touch you. 07:37, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
Speaking on behalf of Benson/LOLZORZ
“Benson is better than all the other candidates, all voters, and even these "super" delegates. And you. Vote Benson.”
“pake is bad hurts stummy ..”
We double-solemnly swear to wuv and protect pancakes AND flapjacks! For all! --17:00, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- But, do you pledge to end all pancake-versus-flapjack discrimination in all sectors of Uncyclopedia, that we may one day have full fried-doughy-delicious-cake-confection-flipped-in-a-pan equality?-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 17:46, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- Err... yes. Wait, I mean: ERR YESS! -- 00:25, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
As long as they come with back bacon, eh.17:34, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- When you say "eh.", do you mean "eh" as in "I'm Canadian and damn ashamed of it" or "eh" as in "I don't care about the fate of the cute little disease-ridden baby seals, club them for all I care"? Because that could very well decide the fate of your campaign.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 17:49, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I do still beat my wife. 21:19, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
I personally have no opinion related to pancakes. If, to give an example, public opinion were to sway 100% against pancakes, then I would certainly oppose it. If, however, the public demands pancakes, then they will be free to buy and consume all of the pancakes that they can. Needless to say, I will be checking the polls every five minutes to make certain they never sway either fully for or fully against pancakes (with a margin of +/- 35%). Obviously, I'd also take waffles into the equation.--21:45, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
Speaking on behalf of Benson/LOLZORZ
“Benson is better than pancakes and baby seals.
IfWHEN elected, Benson will eliminate or just pwn all puny monkeys and flapjacks.”
“i say to you as a friend, not a chinese stereotype, i am not liking pancaks. too fluffy hurts head ..”
Famine/Zombiebaron `08 Says Something
- Well, what's this then? Oh, its some kind of thing. Well, we in the Famine/Zombiebaron campground don't like it. If this thing happens, then we, along with Undersecratary CRUSHERBOT will crush you all. Pretty much. -- 18:55, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- EMC's right. The media is so heavily biased in favor of mildly cloudy weather with a chance of rain. -- §. | WotM | PLS | T | C | A 23:09, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
We have had several days and several debates, the words of which we did not hear a bit. We have had some important questions answered. As all good forum posts go, it is time to put it to a vote!
We have learned that Bradaphraser and Modusoperandi are both more than willing to change their opinions on whim, specifically the whim of the people. While some might frown upon this "indecisiveness", patented Mehchnology from the good folks over at ACME tells us that it's actually simple liberalism. In fact, it is the very cornerstone of being a liberal to change your viewpoint often. How else would you satisfy everyone? So, rest assured, whatever your issue is, whether it be your desire to sleep with your wife's best friend without repercussions or your intense pining for killing others to be legal as long as they're retarded, Brad/MO has got your back.
- A vote! Out of all the candidates, only Bradaphraser mentioned waffles without insulting them, unlike the pro-pancake bastards below. 17:32, 25 March 2008 (UTC)
We have learned that Savethemooses and Spang are both cunning, conniving, cheating, libelous bastards — all perfect qualities for our next leader. We also know that Savethemooses (known affectionately as "STM" by many Uncyclopedians . . . a homosexual prostitute, perhaps? Details at another time) has an intense love of BENSON, or Benson. This poses a conflict of interest, as Benson has been added to another ticket. Unfortunately, Spang and Savethemooses both lack in one department: bending to our wills. Mooses, for example, is 100% steadfast in his wuv for pancakes. He even goes so far as to include flapjacks! And Spang . . . well, they don't say FU Spang for nothing. But one thing is for certain: they both can make their point sound important. And isn't that all that matters?
- I SUPPORT STM AND SPANG! With them as our presidents, all of us will get to eat cake! Also, they'll be able to poop anywhere they want! ANYWHERE! Man, that's cool! And don't forget that Modus and Brad are heroin-addicted Spangophiles! The choice is clear: STM 'N' SPANG IN 2008!!! -- 00:23, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
- I ALSO SUPPORT STM AND SPANG!!! Anyone who even for one second considers voting for anyone can be legally declared insane. Or at least they will after we win! Not only that, but I have several pictures showing Bradaphraser and Modusoperandi performing lude and unnatural acts with each other, and with waffles. I found them in photoshop. You know the right choice to make in 2008! • Spang • • 00:58, 25 Mar 2008
- "Lude" = lewd + nude and/or rude -- 04:31, 27 March 2008 (UTC)
It has been learned that Zombiebaron and Famine, also known as Famine and Zombiebaron, don't really care about their stance on the issues. This sort of nonchalance could be exactly what we need in our next leader: steadfast commitment to the letter of the law without listening to their hearts. It worked well for the Israelites (Zombiebaron's people) in 721 BC, the Jews in 586 BC, and for the Pharisees in 30 AD. A time of martial law has arrived, and thy name is Famine/Zombiebaron. It's about time something epic happened to Uncyclopedia besides epic fail. Let's make it an epic of biblical proportions.
- Oh shit, I punched the wrong hole. How do I undo this? Can I have backsies?-- 23:36, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- While I'm in the voting booth, I'd also like to take this time to say something that is both irrelevant and yet deeply related to whatever is going on. -- 20:47, 24 March 2008 (UTC)
This final ticket, Benson and LOLZORZ, is the very definition of wishy-washy. Benson is a deity to whom Savethemooses (and perhaps Spang, and the rest of Savethemooses' many courtiers) is prostrate, and LOLZORZ is the soon-to-be-crowned Useless Gobshite of March 2008. What better way to be led than by completely opposite people? As it went with Elliot Spitzer and his blind lieutenant governor, and President Oscar Madison and VP Felix Unger before them, two different political figures mashed together ends with hilarious results. Benson's truly unmatched conceit and LOLZORZ's famously weak stummy make for hilarity unparalleled. When you have the endorsement of your opponent, what could possibly go wrong?
- For great justice. --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 23:27, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
- I am their campaign manager, after all. -- §. | WotM | PLS | T | C | A 23:47, 23 March 2008 (UTC)
A final note
Three of the four tickets has at least one admin on it. Only Benson/LOLZORZ lacks one. One ticket, Famine/Zombiebaron, has built their campaign on this fact. Vote wisely. Vote well. Vote for the highest bidder. However you choose, just know that whoever wins will be the one to lead us into a brave new world.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 23:14, 23 March 2008 (UTC)