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“Nelson is a name usually associated with great people. The sooner he gets his retirement injury, the better.”
Formula One, also known as Formula 1 or F1 and referred to officially as the FIA Formula One World Championship is a 360 km/h badass motor sport which was once very cool, but now has so many rules that the drivers are now no longer allowed to smoke behind the wheel.
The "Formula" designation refers to the type of drugs which are considered legal by the operator of that formula, and the sport as seen a change in tolerance over the years. In the early days of the formula drivers injected class A drugs such as heroin, or crack while using 6 wheels and a rocket motor, but now they are banned for eating ripe bananas, or leaning too much one way whilst driving. Today it all belongs to Bernie Ecclestone, and no one really understands why.
Formula One originally began as Grand Prix Racing in the early 1950s, where teams of local car enthusiasts would meet outside the shopping centre in Paris and perform laps of the car park. Races were lengthy, boring, and often dangerous, blood and low fat milk was often spilt in the ummm...excitement. The sport surely would have died had Bernard 'Bernie' Ecclestone not pumped large amounts of money into the upkeep of the car park. He then spread his business empire to build up other car parks and turn them into Formula One Race circuits. Now where once were girls and drugs, drivers today can earn more money in one race than the annual GP of Somalia.
The biggest factor in the survival of the sport was the introduction of on-car advertising. Teams before that run in their national colours: Italy was red for their fiery tempers, Germany were silver as they had money and France ran out in blue (or white, depending on their level of confidence that day). The British team Bulldog Churchill raced in Cigar Ash Grey until the tissue manufacturers Kleenex (American owned) got the idea to advertise their newest range on the nose of the vehicle and paint it the colour of mucus. Although Kleenex later pulled out of the deal when driver Stirling Moss lost his nose after a collision with a shopping trolley, the British team kept the car colour and dubbed it "British Racing Snot Green".
Modern F1 retains some elements of its early roots, namely that the cars have wheels and are still plastered with advertising, otherwise is a completely different. Some of the participants are even black for example. The only discrimination is against Japanese drivers driving a car that has a chance to win a race.
The motorsport now takes in over 20 different locales as the season unfolds, and after five decades of fatal crashes, safety is now of paramount concern. Each driver is wrapped in cotton wool before racing and the cars now drive themselves in a slow procession around circuits full of chicanes. Overtaking is considered ungentlemanly conduct and most drivers attempting an overtaking manoeuvre will be black-flagged and banned from racing for the rest of the season.
The lengthy qualifying sessions of yesteryear have been replaced by a system of drawing short straws and any remaining element of
excitement danger will soon be eliminated, when next season the teams will race without tyres or engines, and will rely on the stamina of the pit-crew as they push the car around the circuit.
When teams arrive for a Grand Prix meeting, there is a series of events leading up to the actual race that must be performed. On the Friday of race weekend, a press conference is held that allows the drivers to brag, boast and generally trash-talk to one another for the entertainment of the watching fans while lots of hot girls wander around in the background.
Following the press conference, the first round of qualifying begins on Saturday mornings. Qualifying is a very simple procedure based on a combination of a driver's past performance, popularity, a foot race, and a random drug tests.
Afterwards, everyone climbs into their cars and drives around for a bit. This move was implemented to deal with criticism over the fact that a foot race (usually to the nearest bar).
The race itself is usually run over fifty laps, and during the race, all drivers are required to make three compulsory pit stops: one to change the tyres, one to refuel, and one so that the driver can take a piss.
At the end of the race, trophies are awarded to the first place driver - (usually Shoemaker) - who will then do a victory dance and spray something that looks like champagne and smells like champagne, but tastes like something else entirely over everyone. No-one knows what it is, but it does come from France.
Points are awarded at the end of each race based on who scored with the most grid girls. The overall winner is the person who has picked up the most during the season, which is why most teenage boys seriously consider it as a career choice, and also explains why it is so difficult for new drivers to break into the circuit.
Following the feud between F1 organisers and drivers over tyres, nearly all the teams have dropped out of the competition. The remaining teams are as follows:
Italian-based team who were among the original competitors in the first Grand Prix season. Ferrero moved into a period of dominance in the late 1990s which lasted until the 2005 season when they forgot to develop a new car and repeatedly drew the short straw in qualifying. Then they went on to making chocolates for a living.
Allegations of bribery, cheating and favouritism from the governing Ferrero International Assistance (FIA) have been rife, and after paying lots of money they have become the lovechild of the worlds medai. Unable to do anything wrong in the eyes of the press, their bad habits have gone unpunished forever, as they have boxes of money and gifts at the ready if there is even the slightest hint that someone is about to say something negative about them.
Rental F1 Team
A French team famous for running rental cars instead of racing cars. Owing to the global recession, Rental have had to substitute a double-World Champion driving the Formula 1 equivalent of an armoured limousine in favour of a top-secret Russian spy driving a Lada Niva. Their cars are painted bright yellow with red highlights, though some claim this is just rust.
Finnish team who recently went into administration before being bought out by another Finnish team who were about to go into administration. Their best finish was in the 1993 season when they finished bottom of the Constructors Table after an administrative error handed them a point.
Once known as MARRS for pumping up the noise volume when racing in the 1980s, BAR HUMBUG change their name every year. Team BAR are notable for living under the illusion that they actually stand a chance against Ferrero Rocher, despite showing up to the pre-season test with a six-year-old car. Their Honda engines are very reliable but Wong Wei over-revs them a wee bit too far. Will race in 2012 as BAR REFAELI in the hope of attracting Israeli missile technology.
Williams is one of the oldest and most prestigious teams in Formula One which collectively spends most of their time complaining that it is impossible to compete with teams who have more money than them. Despite having won 122 races since their foundation in 1980, they have failed to finish a race since 1987. Their most successful period came when Williams shaved a bear and raced him in the 1980 World Championship.
Dead Bull Racing
An Austrian-owned racing team funded by the proceeds of the liquid caffeine made from draining the bladders of dead bulls sold by its parent company. Due to contractual obligations, the team's drivers are obligated to consume the energy drink at every opportunity.
Toro Rosso Merda
Formerly known as Minnow Racing. Bought by Red Bull to increase sales of their drink in Italy. Their cars have a tendency to shed gearboxes and wheels during a race.
Sexiest cars on the grid. Even their motorhomes exude erotica. Car livery is usually black with a lacy undercarriage to avoid scrutiny. Called various names before, none of them very nice. Always promise to win every race but fade away quickly like cheap perfume.
Mercedes Silver Dream Boy Racers
Originally known as Mercedes-Brawn before the name got changed. Big, hard and fast, their original name really said it all. Mercedes-Brawn favoured sheer power over outright tactics - or brawn over brains - and their cars were designed around the concept of an anvil, or perhaps a battering ram. But the days when the opposition preferred to drive into advertising hoardings to avoid going up against the team are now gone. The new guy, Lewis Hamilton seems to be doing a good job with his partner-in-crime Paddy Lowe after they moved from McLaren in 2012. The other team driver Nico Roseberg (son of Keke 'Kinky' Roseberg) wishes he was driving a Porsche. His hair seems to always look perfect, even after a hot, 90 minute, 200mph race.
Named after a long dead Australian, EH! sorry I meant New Fucking Zealander called Bruce McLaren. It was the team Ayrton Senna once raced for. Earlier car designs imitated a packet of cigarettes on wheels. McLaren-Motormouth in receipt of mystery funds. Considered the 'British team' on the grid. Current drivers are Nicole Scherzinger's boyfriend and Buttons from Cinderella Pantomime Touring.
Sinister Foreign Investment Group Racing
A consortium of bankers, philosophers and men of science who decided to purchase a Formula One team after the departure of BMW-Sour. 'SFIGR's exact identities are unknown, but if world domination is their goal, they are probably in the wrong industry and that the four hundred million dollars they spent on buying the team would be better off spent on some nuclear weapons if they want to be taken seriously.
Sauber Sheep Racing
One of the most unique teams in the paddock as it is run only by sheep. It is also the only team that runs on fermented grass fuel. Former sheep racing (the sport, not the team) racer Shawn Sauber runs the team. He celebrated the launch of the first chassis (Baaah-01) by hosting a day of sheep racing tournaments at the Circus Baaahximus in Manchester. Despite running an inferior fuel and lack of aerodynamic features (including a tail) they surprisingly did well in their first year in F1, especially when the cars were on the grass as more grip was available due to their uniquely designed hoof based wheel arrangement.
There is always a joke team at the back of the grid. Last year it was HRT (Horrendous Racing Team)  Hysteria but they have now been cured. Self-Catering are a tight team in self- sponsored overalls. They operate a rent-a-drive policy for racers. Last year two of their drivers were yanked out during a race when their credit cards were rejected when fitting new tyres.
At the end of the 2012 season, critics and pundits alike noticed that the racing had produced exactly the same result as the championship in 2010, and 2011. It was decided that a raft of new changes was to be introduced. These were so successful that Red Bull began to win everything. New rules for 2012.
Backseats: The most important rule change will come in mid season, in which the cars must have backseats with two 7-year olds who won't share a packet of crisps, who will constantly ask if they are there yet and will spray Tango orange in the drivers eyes randomly and without warning.
Metals: A typographical error on a press release initially described the championship as operating under a "medals" system, with drivers being awarded a gold, silver or bronze medal for their efforts. In reality, this should have read "metals", as winning drivers will be awarded heavy metals at the end of each event which they will then be required to wear for the duration of the next event in an effort to slow them down.
Design: The design of the cars has been altered for 2012 in an attempt to promote passing. Gone are the aerodynamic aids that one meant the cars could outrun Flash Gordon, instead, they have been replaced by wheels taken from a shopping trolley and a rear wing that must be at least as tall as the driver of the car, making driving under low clearance signs at the Ful Kar Park circuit impossible. The cars have been fitted with stepped noses to make them look cute like the Duck-Billed Platypus.
Qualifying: Qualifying has been amended for 2012. While the grid is still decided on past performance, tea leaves, popularity, and random chance, the drivers now run the foot race while being chased by a rabid polar bear or Tom Cruise if a polar bear is neither rabid enough nor close at hand.
CURRS: Combating Undertalented Relations Racing System' is a new piece of technology introduced in the 2009 season. The basic premise is when a relation of a quality driver steps in the car it automatically ejects them using a burst of pneumatic air from the seat. Different from KERS (see below).
Drag Reduction System: Known as the DRS, the Drag Reduction System is an initiative introduced to counteract rampant incidents of cross-dressing in the sport.
As Formula One is a complicated monotony, the FIA have put out a guide to the sport in an effort to explain it to fans both new and old, as old fans are forgetful, frequently tuning in to races in spite of the fact that there was no excitement in the previous race and thus it is unlikely anything has changed. With this in mind, the FIA published the guide to Formula One in the latest edition of Masochist's Monthly as it is clear that the fans enjoy being in pain if they can tune into the races as frequently as they do.
Pole Position: Pole Position is the first position on the startig grid. In order to decide who starts from this coverted place, the entire nation of Poland is asked who should start there, hence the name.
Chequered Flag: The chequered flag is waved to signify the end of the race. Traditionally, it was waved to the first driver to cross the line; however, it has since come to be associated with the person who has the biggest cheque book, and thus can bribe the officials more than anyone else. See also Chequered Career.
Saftey Car: Just when it gets interesting with cars crashing into each other, out comes the nancy pants 'Safety Car'. Driven by doctors, it always carries a fresh supply of prophylactics in case of a sexual emergency. It also includes a change of underwear for anyone who needs it.
Overtaking: Cars with rented Ferrari engines are not allowed to overtake the Ferrari works team drivers. Toro Rosso cars are expected to run wide when followed by a Red Bull. Every lead team are expected to run into the back of a slow coach just once in a season to show that no races are fixed.
Pit Stop: During the race, all drivers make pit stops, which gives the team an opportunity to fix the car up after the driver undoubtedly planted it in the wall. It is so named because commentators during the first race that pitstops were introduced wanted to promote a family-friendly attitude after accidentally tuning into a radio in time to hear the driver shout "I need a piss pot!"
Gravel Trap: Gravel traps line the circuits, usually sitting inconspicuously after each corner. Officially, they are there to slow the cars down if they go off the circuit, but don't let the FIA fool you. Gravel is the natural enemy of a Formula One car, as the cars are designed to be driven on bitumen, not dirt. Thus, the gravel lies in wait, cunningly disguised as a safety device and waiting for its prey to slide off and into their sandy maws.
Rumble Strip: Rumble strips are another hazard for the car, lining the inside of each and every corner. If a driver happened to cross one of them, the rumble strips will cause his car to vibrate violently to the point where it is in danger of falling apart.
Kers: Kers stands for kangaroo-energy-release-system and is used when a car is too slow, and needs to go faster, so incinerates a kangaroo in order to release energy from it's dying screams. Unfortunately the enviro-mental-ists have had their say, so teams can only kill one kangaroo per lap.
DRS: With just the push of a button, this system will make half of the car's rear wing magically disappear. For some reason, this actually makes your car faster than a Bugatti Veyron with a top fuel drag racer engine on LSD.
The 2012 championship starts off in Australia and will finish in Brazil. Bahrain got missed out last year with crowd trouble (wrong kind of Muslims according to the authorities). For petrol heads these are the races to look out for (except viewers in Britain who will now have to pay Sky TV to watch it live as the BBC are broke).
Australia Grand Prix. First race. Let's see who has been cheating over the winter break. There is always at least one team. Current holders are Red Bull. A street circuit so drivers will have to avoid the barbecue on turn 3. Half naked Sheilas may also distract and cause collisions.
Malaysia Grand Prix. Some cars will crash for sure here. Not all due to mechanical failure/driver stupidity. Cash bets before race. Because it rains badly.
Chinese Grand Prix. Those going over the racing line can expect to be shot after the race.
Bahrain Grand Prix. Cars may have trouble finding the grid if too many bodies are found in the pits.
Spanish Grand Prix. Fernando Alonso hot favourite to win here. No one will work in Spain for another two weeks (advise leave before the end of the race).
Monaco Grand Prix. Another street circuit, this one paved with gold. Crowds kept away, only the rich can watch this. Drivers like this circuit as they all live their as tax exiles and can be home in five minutes.
Canadian Grand Prix. Also known as the Quebec Grand Prix as only the French Canadians like this sport there. Lot of molson sunk. Race on an island to keep the dirtier drivers off the clean streets of Montreal.
European Grand Prix. Formula One give broke Spain another Grand Prix, a street circuit in Valencia this time. Unemployed Spanish will form the human barriers to allow cars bounce along the circuit undamanged.
British Grand Prix. A lot of Formula One teams are still based in Britain. The English can make cars but as in the tradition of Rolls Royce, ones only for the expensive set. The locals are just grateful to be let in to watch and breathe in the fumes. No £10.00 congestion charge this year.
German Grand Prix (Nurbgurberurbergergrergrurebrur Burger King). Formerly known as "Nur Buggering", the gargantuan circuit was opened in 1997 as the Newcastle Grand Prix, then renamed in 1999 and relocated piece by piece to some remote spot in Germany. Its most notable feature is the notorious "Kentuckyfried Chicane" at which several drivers have been killed in a very comical fashion.
Hungarian Grand Prix. Always looked on as the Magyar Mouse Circuit. Grand Prix teams like going here for the joys of Budapest (apparently there are plenty of those).
Belgian Grand Prix (Spaz). Spaz is hailed by many as the championship's finest circuit (mostly because the track owners took out a restraining order against Hermann Tilke after he insisted on modifying it), and it is once again the venue for the Belgian GP.
Italian Grand Prix. Italians are never trusted to drive a Ferrari as they go all blubbery with the honour. Fanatical crowds don't care, as long as it is quick and red, they will mob a driver who comes through for them. They even loved Michael Schumacher in his day and that is saying a lot.
Singapore Grand Prix. Micheal Schumacher World crashing track, where he sucks at turning corners... coz too hard to see
Japanese Grand Prix. If drivers hear a big rumble out to sea, expect to see the fastest getaways towards the exit gate.
Korean Grand Prix. As with Bahrain, the Grand Prix may be interrupted by a war. Drivers allowed to race in bullet proof vests.
Indian Grand Prix. Rupees, elephants and fantastic bargains. Meanwhile inside Delhi's main market....
Dubai Grand Prix. Safer than Bahrain, though Iran may land one in the gravel trap.
USA Grand Prix. Latest attempt to persuade Americans that the world of motor racing also exists outside North America.
Brazil Grand Prix. Held at the wrong time if you wanted a carnival. Brazilian drivers go weepy here, filling up their crash helmets with tears and crashing out on lap 5.
Bonus: Ottoman Grand Prix. Known as the Turkish Grand Prick from 2005 to 2011,the race was cancelled by Bernie but the race organizers refused to leave. The race is now stored in a small box inside Petra Ecclestone's bedroom.
Future: New Jersey Grand Prix. It's rumored that the driver who runs over Snooki will automatically win the championship here.
Future: Russian Grand Prix. Originally supposed to be a part of the Winter Olympic Games, but who the fuck wants to drive a F1 on ice?
Contrary to popular belief - that Formula One is the only known cure for insomnia - the sport was once considered exciting, and has played host to many immensely popular drivers over the years. Below are just a few how have left their mark on the world of Formula One:
Supposed to be the greatest Grand Prix driver ever. No footage survives so lets get on with...
First Grand Prix driver to undergo a gender change. Previously known as Jim Clark, faked his own death and re-emerged as the talkative 'Jackie Stewpot' from Scotland. Still alive. Often seen wearing a dress (called a 'kilt' in Scotland) and wandering around the paddock 'feeding' F1 cars with sugar lumps. Naughty Scot! Soul sister of Jackie Stallone.
Son of Berkeley Hunt. Classic Grand Prix driver of the 1970s. Known as 'Hunt the Shunt' for his activities on and off the track. Died relatively young after he retired from racing. Rumours that Bernie Ecclestone had Hunt's gherkin 'pickled for eternity' remain just that.
Known also as Le Conque. Prost also called the Professor as he slept with his mechanics to improve the car's race performance. A Curly haired French driver and intellectualised many of his wins on the race circuit (i.e. he cheated).
Unfortunately, the great Frenchman passed away on February 3rd, 2012. The doctors found him dead at home, claimed to have died of a heart attack after discovering that the new Ferraro Rocher had an identical shaped nose as the one on his face.
Not related to Marcel Proust.
More bollocks than a field full of buffalo, but tragically died just before they changed the rules to reward boring driving. Unfortunately Schumacher was not yet in his prime when Senna died. People who know what they are talking about realise that Schumacher is probably the best driver of all time, but everyone pretends it's Senna because obviously Schumacher is German. His main rival was Alain Prost who was surprisingly likeable despite being French. There was also Nigel Mansell who wasn't French or likeable. Wore a moustache now associated with minor sex offenders but in those days was perfectly respectable.
Undoubtedly the most successful driver of his generation, Shoemaker (I can't be arsed with the correct spelling here) has won more championships than anyone ever so much so that the governing body of the sport demanded that Shoemaker tow a caravan while driving to allow the opposition some chance at winning.
Once called 'Baby Schumi'. Also called Baby Seal. Looks like a computer geek, drives like one..and er...wins championships.He has made a habit of showing his thumb.But in Malaysia this year,he showed us the middle one Damn...
One of the greatest ever drivers, he famously came 12th in a grand prix once. Also famously let Hamilton win the world title, because Massa is a huge bellend
- ↑ Bernie does.
- ↑ Because only 24 cars are allowed to start a Grand Prix race, SFIGR are said to run a 'shadow team' that secretly control everything you see on the screen.
- ↑ Hormone Replacement Treatment.
- ↑ All of them.