Formula One
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At some point in the future this article will refer to a current event.
“And welcome back to our coverage of the 2008 Lewis Hamilton Grand Prix of Silverstone. It's an intense day of competition, with a hard-fought battle between our cameramen to see who can find the cloud that has the closest resemblance to Mother Theresa”
~ Steve Rider commentating during the British GP
“Grand Prix. No other phrase translates so well phonetically. Because that's what these people are: grand pricks.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Formula One
“And that was an amazing overtake”
~ Frankie Boyle on 'the things that would never happen' round
“IT WAS NOT MY ASS IN THAT VIDEO!!!”
~ Max Mosely on Being caught playing naked with fire!
“Yo, Max, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Paris Hilton had one of the best sex tapes of all time. Of all time!”
~ Kayne West on being a dickhead
For sure, Formula One, abbreviated to F1 and also known as Grand Prix Racing is the highest and most ludicrously overrated mathematical formula in the world. It consists of a series of terms, known as Grands Prix, held on purpose-built circuits or closed city streets, whose results determine two annual tangential components: one for drivers and one for constructors. Formula 1 is also noted as the auto sport where passing does not occur. All the cars stay in their starting fields and one guy would normally lead the entire race. It is this reason why professional drivers might not find NASCAR more interesting, as driving around in circles is boring. There are other formulas, which includes Formula 13592050, Formula Flap and Formula 1 the second. Unfortunately no one cares about the others. Except for Formula 7. Formula 7 is badass.
[edit] Formative Years
Formula One originally began as Grand Prix Racing in the early 1950s, where teams of local car enthusiasts would meet outside the main shopping centre in Paris and perform laps of the car park in vehicles resembling hairdryers on wheels. Its name stems from the nickname given to the event organiser, Monsieur Eccleston, a local mechanic and megalomaniac who was affectionately refferred to as "Le Grand Prix", roughly translated as "The Big Prick", after his tenacious and fiery character left its mark on the racers.
Races were lengthy, boring, and often dangerous, with competitors dying on a weekly basis. The sport surely would have died its death had Eccleston not pumped large amounts of money into the upkeep of the car park, but the biggest factor in the survival of the sport was the introduction of on-car advertising, after British team Churchill allowed tissue manufacturers Kleenex to advertise their newest range on the nose of the vehicle and paint it the colour of mucus. Although Kleenex later pulled out of the deal when driver Stirling Dross lost his nose after a collision with a shopping trolley, the British team kept the car colour and dubbed it "British Racing Green".
[edit] Modern F1
Modern F1 retains some elements of its early roots, namely that the cars have wheels and are still plastered with advertising. Apart from that, F1 is a vastly different kettle of fish to the sport that began more than 50 years ago. Some of the participants are even black.
The motorsport now takes in over 20 different locales as the season unfolds, and after five decades of fatal crashes, safety is now of paramount concern. Each driver is wrapped in cotton wool before racing and the cars now drive themselves in a slow procession around circuits full of chicanes. Overtaking is considered ungentlemanly conduct and any driver attempting an overtaking manouvere will be black-flagged and banned from racing for the rest of the season. Unless your team has bribed the race stewards then you can do what you like, this is especially common practice for Red cars.
The lengthy qualifying sessions of yesteryear have been replaced by a system of drawing short straws and any remaining element of excitement danger will soon be eliminated, when next season the teams are forced to race without tyres or engines, and will rely on the stamina of the pit-crew as they push the car around the circuit. (It should be noted that the actual races are technological marvels not that in the way one typically expects, ie: making cars go faster, but rather in making the cars move at all. Each year rules are imposed to limit anything that would enable the cars to move at an "unsafe" speed, ie, fins, wheels with excessive grip, screws, suspension, low ride height, metal, and petunias). The latest addition is for Microsoft to be the official supplier of all computer equipment used by the teams.
[edit] Drivers and Constructors
Following the feud between F1 organisers and drivers over tyres, nearly all the teams have dropped out of the competition and their drivers have joined rival motorsport A1 Racing.
There are currently 3 teams in the competition as we move into the 2009 season, with a fourth team expected to join later in the year. Accusations of illiteracy among the sport's governing body (otherwise known as the FIA) have arisen as sixteen teams routinely show up for racing, despite the officials' insistence that only three ever arrive. These are as follows:
[edit] Ferrero Rocher
Italian-based team who were among the original competitors in the first Grand Prix season. Ferrero moved into a period of dominance in the late 1990s which lasted until the 2005 season when they forgot to develop a new car and repeatedly drew the short straw in qualifying. Then they went on to making chocolates for a living.
In the past few years the rise in cases of Ferrero Rocher Syndrome has increased 13.6-fold, mostly among the rather out-dated Roman group of fanatical Ferrero Rocher fans that label themselves "Glorius Supportus", which roughly translates as "Bandwagoner".
Forsure Massa
Formerly a tester at Ferrero Rocher and race driver and Sauber, Massa was renowned for how the number 8 on his car often referred to the number of corners he managed at each race before crashing out. Since joining Ferrero Rocher, Massa was careful to observe how better performing drivers worked. He grew sideburns to be like Alsoslow, and started to say '`For Sure' a lot, to resemble ex world champion Alain Frost.
Kimberly - or Kimmy as she prefers - is Formula One's first female driver after. She is best known for her aloof and icy personality, which is best described as south of the Antarctic. Rumoured to be in a romantic relationship with Micky Shoemaker, Ralph Shoemaker, David Coulfard, En Jin Failure, Benson Zipper, Cole Trickle and Stall Poddart as she has been known to let them all pass at varying stages. Neither party has explicitly acknowledged or denied such an involvement, except Poddart, who took the opportunity to complain some more, and Trickle, who ran and hid in a cupboard.
[edit] Team MäcLärvit (also known as "The cheating cheaters that were caught cheating")
A team with a long history of racing and building excellent racing machines which they copied from others especially Ferrero, but to hear Ferrero Rocher tell it, MäcLärvit simply bought copies of their blueprints down in Chinatown and added a new coat of paint (and even then, they still didn't manage to cover all the red bits). The were subsequently spanked by the FIA - and by Max "Big Daddy" Mosley personally - and fined a record-breaking sum of $1.20. In 2007 the team appointed a new technical director, referred to only by the letter 'Q'.
Hamilton is best known for the incident in the 2007 season when he was leading the championship with a fifty-seven point lead over Kimmy Rakkynen. Unfortuantely (for him), he choked in the final round and lost the title - and any and all credibility with it - by just one point. Most of the blame went on Hamilton's decision to race on wet tyres in dry conditions for 172 laps, before coming into pitlane attempting to set a new land speed record. Naturally, Hamilton wound up twenty miles off course, on a beach somewhere. Further questions about Hamilton's ability to drive on pitlane were raised when he drove straight into the back of Kimmy Rakkynen's Ferrero Rocher, after ignoring all of the flashing red lights and a big red stop sign at the end of pitlane. When asked about it, Hamilton said, "I thought all the red lights meant I should go. Who knew they meant stop? It's all backwards over here." Given the level of attention Hamilton gets on ITV, it's as if they are trying to Hamilton us into watching nothing but Hamilton. On the other Hamilton, it's good to Hamilton a British Hamilton doing so Hamilton. There's no Hamilton in my mind that Hamilton will easily Hamilton the BBC's Sports Hamilton of the Year Hamilton. He won the 2008 championship, ironically, because forsure Massa choked like he did
Ferdinand Alsoslow
A bleary-eyed Spaniard who usually looks as though he's both hungover and emo. In actual fact, he's probably just woken up, as evidenced by his perennial bed hair. Questions were raised when it was noted that he rarely pitted, as he tends to fall asleep when stationary for more than a few seconds. However, his bland driving is reminiscent of somebody being asleep, so the validity of this claim is questionable. He is the butt of many jokes from commentators owing to his over-use of "nancy-boy hair gel" that makes him look like a "magnificent poof". He is cousins with Josh Groban and is best known for being in the pocket - and probably the bed - of his manager, Flavourio Brimstone, who offered him a drive in a top car after his first season, despite being consistently inconsistent at best and underwhelmingly underwhelming everywhere else. He enjoys throwing temper tantrums when things don't go his way and taking short-cuts whe his team-mate is nearby. Alsoslow is usualy at the top of "Must Have" drivers at the beginning of each silly season, though speculation is rife that he pays to have is name there as no-one else will go near him with a ten-foot barge pole.
[edit] mywetdream.com
Fronted by Honda, the mywetdream.com team - formerly known as Jordan - is best known for its twin airbags which won the team the award for safest car in the 2004 season. This team is also known for their unusual marketing campaign, starting with the "Earth Deluions" livery - believed by many to be named after their delusions of success, which was followed by their controversial mywetdream.com strip, the less of which is said, the better. mywetdream.com has also seemed to have put on some extra weight since the implants
Benson Zipper
Billed as the next big thing in motorsport, Zipper has also been propelled into the limelight because of his unusual first name. His brother, Hedges (known as "Hornets" due to licensing restrictions), is tipped for promotion to Formula 1 within the next 2 years, despite the fact that people have been saying that for the past several years. He is notable for having gone one hundred and thirteen races without scoring a single point, much less a podium or a win. He then somehow managed to win a World CHampionship without scoring a single point.
David Coulfart
Coulfard, who insists his name is pronounced "Cool Tard" has been brought into the Jordan team for the 2006 season as a father figure for Zipper. The Scotsman has yet to win a championship due to the wind resistance on his rather unaerodynamic chin, which has a serious slowing effect on his lap-times. He came close to winning one race in 2005, but was eventually beaten by Micky Shoemaker, his brother Ralf, their parents Mr. and Mrs. Shoemaker in their caravan, Granny Shoemaker in a wheelchair, and her pet tortoise Gunther.
[edit] Alsö Rann
Finnish team who recently went into administration before being bought out by another Finnish team who were about to go into administration. Their best finish was in the 1993 season when they finished bottom of the Constructors Table after an administrative error handed them a point.
En Jin Failure
Japanese Formula 3000 driver hastily brought into the side at the start of the 1992 season. Has yet to finish a race. En Jin also took part in the 2007 Race of Non-Champions, alongside fellow Japanese racing flop Nokon Woodo. Interestingly, they won.
I'nto Le Tyrewalle
Young French driver drafted in from the Under 5's Indoor Karting Championships. Seen as a long-term investment and is not expected to make much of an impact this season. Recorded best ever finish last season after successfully navigating one corner.
[edit] B.A.R. H.U.M.B.U.G.
Team BAR (Bring Another Racer) is expected to join the grid some time in late 2006. Or 2007. Or 2008, depending on when they get their licence to actually race. One would assume they also have a car, but an extreme lack of testing (or of anything else, really) suggests otherwise. Team BAR are notable for living under the illusion that they actually stand a chance against Ferrero Rocher, despite showing up to the pre-season test with a six-year-old car. Their Honda engines are very reliable but Wong Wei over-revs them a wee bit too far.
Ralf Somebodyorudderr
Believes himself to be the younger brother of Micky Shoemaker, but is in actual fact the Micky's talentless clone. Frequently manages to spin in Pit Lane (due to his tendency to ralf his own drinks) and often stops well short of the team mechanics, prompting a mad dash most of the way down pit lane; the team's unofficial slogan is "Alright boys, when Ralf arrives, I want you to take four steps to the left!". Insists that his Christian name rhymes with 'chaffe', and that he is not Christian. Announced himself as the the third-best driver in the sport and then spent the next twelve races in last place. He was subsequently fired.
Rubix Kubicer
A Polish test driver brought in to replace Ralf Somebodyorudderr. He is notable for his over-sized nose; B.A.R. H.U.M.B.U.G. recently developed carbon fibre winglets to make it an aerodynamic aid all of its own. Kubicer was forced to receive two dozen nose piercings so it could be attached, which he described as feeling 'a bit funny'. When his nose was declared illegal by the sport's governing body, Kubicer was forced to race without it, where he subsequently had a huge accident that started in Montreal and ended somewhere in Detroit after being hit by Tak-Attack Sah Toe.
Wong Wei
Unheard-of Malaysian teenager who believes he's a superstar for simply competing in Formula 1. In actual fact, he's only there because he comes with funding from his equally pathetic, undesirable father's sweatshop. It's questionable as to where he got his licence due to his inability to drive on the grey bit. Wei has been known for being on the podium one race and the first to retire the next. However, this only applies in the race following his home GP, as we all know Wei is much too crappy to come anywhere near the podium.
[edit] Walliams F1
Walliams is one of the oldest and most prestigious teams in Formula One. Its manager, David Walliams, along with his comedic sidekick Matt Lucas and technical director M.T. Adithya, collectively spend most of their time complaining that it is impossible to compete with teams who have more money than them. Despite having won 122 races since their foundation in 1980, they have failed to finish a race since 1987. Their most successful period came when Walliams shaved a bear named Alan Jones and raced him in the 1980 World Championship.
Johnny Sherbert
Johnny "Better than the Other White Powder" Sherbert entered Formula One in 1804 at the age of ninety-six. Since then, he has won two Grand Prix, when he appealed to Ecclestone and had everyone else disqualified because their wheels were "too round." Johnny retired from Formula One in 2001 but returned this season after being begged by nearly everyone not to get back in a car.
Nike Rozburg
The son of former Formula One World Champion KKK Rozburg, Nike is hoping to follow in his father's footsteps. Like Benson Zipper, his first name has attracted some attention from the media as his father auctioned off the rights to his son's first name to raise funds so he could drive in the first place. Nike Rozburg has attracted a strong female following, largely because he looks like a model, but his sheer on track mediocrity leads many commentators to simply forget he exists, leading to eerie silences as the camera crews pass 9th on the grid.
[edit] So Shi-tei
Ong Wong Fonder had a dream, to have an F1 team. His dream was fulfilled in 1988 when budget Korean car company So Shi-tei Cars decided to back him (mainly for blatant self promotion). So Shi-tei cars are recognisible because of their appallingly shoddy workmanship and the fact they only have 3 wheels. This is the same with their F1 cars, which often inexplicably fall apart or tip on their side for no apparent reason. Despite their huge amount of funding, So Shi-tei has never won a race as the cars are slower than a really big rock, chained to the ground and stuck on with concrete. The cars have been nicknamed "Brick Bullets" as they look like bricks, handle like bricks and are so heavy that they might as well be made of bricks.
Rhubarb "Barry" Cello
A Brazilian driver best known for his nickname "Barry", possibly because he is named after a fruit. Or a vegetable; no-one is quite sure what it is except that it is delicious (real Rhubarb, not Barry; that would be cannibalism). He has been in the sport for fifteen years, most of which has been spent driving mediocre cars for mediocre teams, which is perfectly suited to his mediocre driving style. He is perhaps best known in Japan where he frequently advertises a wide range of products from Hello Kitty balloons to Hello Kitty condoms.
Tak-Attack Sah Toe
The leading cause of first-corner retirements in Formula One racing. He is most notable for running into everything in sight, and his record of taking 15 cars out of the race at the first corner of the Bordom-Ring will probably never be broken. So Shi-tei claim they have no "number one" driver and that both drivers are given "equal preference". However, two identical cars with two identical drivers does not go into one racing line, hence Sah Toe's kamikaze runs leading to the traditional first-corner accident.
[edit] Stall Poddart F1 (formerly known as Force Midholland F1)
Just some Australian guy who shows up at races with a pair of Leyland P-76s. His team has never actually finished a race which may or may not have something to do with the fact that they've never been allowed to start. Poddart himself is known to whine about ... well, everything. Has attempted to employ Oscar Wilde as a driver for the past 43 years and is well known for repeated driver changes. Their cars are painted orange so that they can easily be found when the drivers inevitably get lost and are likened to moving traffic cones. Poddart is expected to sell the team at the end of the year in keeping with the team's tradition of selling to someone from a quirky nationality, having previously been owned by Pakistani, Dutch and Russian businessmen.
Jen-Eric Paydrivar
Formula One's first trans-gender driver from Sweden, Jen-Eric is relatively unheard-of with no prior racing experience. S/he (/it) is known to be a major contributor to Poddart's bank balance, hence the reason it was given a seat at the team this year. Not worth paying attention, as it will probably have spent all its money by the end of the year and so will disappear.
F. Arce
After considerable pressure from the United States of Amerika for there to be an Amerikan driver in the sport, Poddart signed on experienced NASCAR ace F. Arce. However, F. (yes, "F." is his given name) is well known to get confused when the road bends to the right, having previous driven taxis that are only capable of tuning left for 500 miles at a time. Hence, he routinely makes 270 degree left-hand turns instead of 90 degree right-hand ones, and always spins to the left.
Mikel Andretty
Born Giuseppe Donk; Andretty is Formula One's second-most-spectacular failure (coming in just behind the sheer lack of excitement the races provide), having failed to finish 245 of the 12 races he entered. Describes himself as Stall Poddart's third driver, even though Poddart whinges a lot. Poddart (still whining) claims Andretty has nothing to do with the team and just shows up on race day.
[edit] Purple Steer Racing
An Austrian-owned racing team funded by the proceeds of the liquid caffeine sold by its parent company. Due to contractual obligations, the team's drivers are obligated to consume the energy drink at every opportunity. Several have admitted they probably wouldn't know the difference if someone switched it for the fuel their cars run on and most don't last more than four races as they have a tendency to die from a caffeine overdose.
Arabian prince with a name longer than the number of zeroes in his father's personal fortune. He is known simply as "Prince" (speculation is rife he will be known as "the Racing Driver Formerly Known as Prince" by the end of the season) because the race is usually over by the time it takes commentators to say his name - assuming they can remember it in the first place - and because his name is too long to fit on his licence. Prince is the son of a wealthy Arab sheik who owns a controlling interest in the Austrian company that produces an energy drink originally from Thailand that has proven quite popular in Brazil and Argentina, making him living proof that Formula One is, if nothing else, a multicultural spectacle.
Sid Kick
With the retirement of Micky Shoemaker, Sid Kick found himself demoted to a slower team. In a previous life, however, he was latest in a string of drivers to play Sundance to Shoemaker's Butch, the Garfunkel to Shoemaker's Simon or the Buzz Aldrin to Shoemaker's Armstrong, Kick is most fondly remembered for his brilliant performance in the final, championship-deciding race of the 2003 season where he heroically pulled over to allow Shoemaker to gain the 3 points he needed to beat him to the title. Thanks to Purple Steer's slick marketing machine, Kick has seen a resurgence in popularity this season as he has been treated like a rock star. While he is frequently made out to be the Jimi Hendrix of Formula One, the general opinion is that Barry Gib might have been a better choice.
[edit] Thetan Grand Prix
Originally known as Xemu Grand Prix and created by L. Ron Hubbard in 1952, this American team was forced to change its name to Thetan Racing when it was discovered "Xemu" was already trademarked by another bogus religion. The car, known as the OT III, is revolutionary as they do not require petrol to be driven. Instead, the cars are powered by bullshit. Commentators are predicting that Thetan Grand Prix is likely to be highly competitive as the more bullshit the team pumps out, the faster the cars will go.
Cole Trickle
Rumour has it that Trickle is the identical twin brother of Tom Cruise, who changed his name after media attention. Therefore he's transferred from NASCAR to drive the reporters away. Known on the track as "Maverick" due to his rogue nature behind the wheel, he frequently claims he is not gay. However every time he does so, his car clearly goes faster. An accident early in his career resulted in his meeting a twenty-something brain surgeon, though she left him when he joined Thetan Grand Prix.
Tony Mareno
The history of Thetan Racing's second driver is also under a shroud of secrecy, though it is known that Brooklyn-born Mareno arrives at all races in a white disco suit. Like Trickle, he is known to claim that Battlefield Earth is the greatest film ever made, a claim that, like Trickle's insistence that he is not gay, propels him to the top of the timing sheets. However, both Trickle and Mareno believe every word of what they say and claim something else is making the car go faster.
[edit] Scooter Toro Rosso
"Scooter Toro Rosso" is just Italian for "Purple Steer Scooters". Interestingly, though, in some South American languages it translates as "Thank Christ Stall Poddart showed up; now we won't be at the back all the time!". Driving last year's Purple Steer Racing cars with last year's Purple Steer Racing drivers, the team has decided to spare no expense on making a winning car, even going so far as to fill their tyres with Chuck Norris' breath. In reality, however, they were created by the sport's governing body to provide some accident-prone comedy in the middle of the season.
Vitantitantintantontio Fizzy Keller
Originally known as Jacques Fucking Villeneuve, Fizzy Keller bleached what little hair he had left and changed his name to something vaguely Italian-sounding, but is actually taken from a movie in which Steven Segal goes around kicking people in the face. In some countries this film carried a different title, but "Above The Law Fizzy Keller" would have sounded really stupid. He recently released an album which critics described as "sounding like a dial-up modem trying to cough up a hairball". Commentators comment that this is also descriptinve of his driving, but no-one is entirely sure how.
Heidi Nickfeld
When he is not driving for Scooter Toro Rosso, Nickfeld can be found doubling for Benny from ABBA in stage versions of Mamma Mia! owing to his ridiculous beard. With Jacques Fucking Villeneuve/Vitantintantontio Fizzy Keller as a team-mate this year, Nickfeld can look forward to spending most of his year getting up close and personal with a twat. He is yet to win a race - or anything else for that matter - but recently walked away with the prize for Worst Personality in Germany on a technicality when it came to light that Kimmy Rakkynen - the favourite to win - is actually from Finland, not Germany.
[edit] Toyboata
A Japanese team with a proud history of producing efficient, reliable vehicles at a reasonable price for the masses. In other words, everything that a Formula One car should not be. They traditionally start each season by announcing they have made "significant progress" over the "winter testing period" and that their "first win" will happen "sometime" "this season". They then proceed to take out everything that was good about last year's car and fill it with thirty million dollars' worth of ballast. Any leftover money goes towards teaching their media and public relations department about the correct use of inverted commas. Toyboata paymasters are said to be unhappy with this arrangement, and rumour in the pit lane suggests that the current drivers may be replaced for 2009 with one of the team's reserve drivers. Toyboata's management are said to be looking for a Japanese driver for a Japanese team, and are considering current GP2 racers Kami Kaze, Pika Chu and James May.
Widely considered to be Formula One's best qualifying speciailist, which loosely translates as he puts the Toyboata on pole position on Saturday afternoon, goes out to celebrate on Saturday night and gets hammered, wakes up on Sunday morning with the mother of all hangovers and then tries to drive. He almost won the Venice GP, but somehow rolled his Toyboata over in the water. Clarkson is known for his outrageous personal statements; at a post-race press conference in 2008, Clarkson announced that he wished to make a statement to Vitantintantontio Fizzy Keller after a much-publicised incident involving a flamingo. Clarkson mounted the podium, faced Fizzy Keller and then screamed for seven minutes.
Tiny Cock
Hailing from Germany, Tiny Cock has had an on-again, off-again career in Formula One. He has previously raced in the 1996, 1998, 2003 and 2004 championships, as well as the 2001 season, where he was somehow racing for two teams at once. Strangely enough, every team Cock raced for met financial trouble shortly after the season, and withdrew. This seems at odds with Cock's extra-curricular activities; in 2008 his time as a male model came to light when a picture of him entitled 'Honeydew' was one of the most-downloaded images on the internet. Elsewhere, Cole Trickle's camp refused to comment on articles saying Trickle accounted for 60% of the downloads.
[edit] Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O.
Also known as Team We Are the Winners of Formula One, this Lithuanian-based outfit is not above shameless self-promotion, a national tradtition. They have no money, no clue and no chance; often likened to the national football team of Absurdistan. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. WILL win this year! Yeah! Yay Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O and blatant self-promotion!
Alex Wurse
Wurse is an Austrian racing driver who has spent the past decade as a test driver (also known as Racing Drivers' Hell) for various other teams. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. signed him on, believing that his knowledge of the others teams would be of some use, but quickly found that Wurse was too tall to fit in the car. This forced them to make the car longer to prevent the seven-foot Wurse's feet from hanging out of the front end. Although he is yet to demonstrate any of the prowess Formula One has come to expect, Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. could do a whole lot worse than Alex Wurse. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. WILL win this year! Yeah! Yay Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O and blatant self-promotion!
Heinz-Beanz Frankzen
Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O's number two driver is well-known in racing circles as his car does not run on petrol. Like Thetaan Grand Prix's racers, Heinz-Beanz Frankzen's car is not powered by conventional fuel. It is 100% environmentally friendly, although it is noted to be 0% spectator-friendly as the car produces copious quantities of methane in the place of exhaust fumes. Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. WILL win this year! Yeah! Yay Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O and blatant self-promotion!
[edit] Brawn
Big, hard and fast, the name really says it all. Brawn favour sheer power over outright tactics - or brawn over brains - and their cars are designed around the concept of an anvil, or perhaps a battering ram. They are designed to inflict maximum damage as they carve their way through the field, though ironically enough the other teams frequently protest the rear end of the car. This is possibly because they are equipped with a rocket; rumours suggest that the cash-strapped team based their cars on army surplus air-to-air missiles to save money. The on-track aggression of their drivers is possibly a result of the team's management banning them from having sex, a promotional tie-in with main sponsor Virgin.
Prick Kelly
An Australian racing driver who caught Brawn's attention in 2006 when he pushed another racing driver off the circuit to win the V8 Supercar title. Although reluctant to run such an inexperienced driver, Kelly barely looks old enough to shave and his voice is so high-pitched that his balls probably haven't dropped yet, and got the go-ahead from higher-ups because he's still a Virgin.
SeaBass
An enigmatic cheese-eating surrender monkey who formerly drove in IndyCar before moving to Brawn. "Enigmatic" is most-often used to describe his driving style because while he won three straight championships in Indyar, he is yet to qualify higher than twenty-first on the grid, somewhat at odds with the fact that there are only twenty places available. His real name is unknown, and prefers to be known solely as "SeaBass", rather like Bjork or Cher or Jesus.
[edit] Andrea Moda
Andrea Moda is a legend within Formula One. Arriving with one-and-a-half cars, the team variously forgot to bring engines to a race, burned down a night club, tried their best to kill one of their drivers at every opportunity, marketed a line of shoes, got involved with the mafia, and went through so many drivers in a single season that by the end of the year there had been more people driving for the team than there had been at Woodstock. Unlike most of the content on the page, this actually happened. [1]
Hymen Algaesaurus
A sixteen year-old kid with the most unpronouceable name in the history of unpronouceable names. Frequently seen with dark rings around his eyes that may either be mascara or the result of staying up all night studying for his driver's licence. Or even both. His various talents include causing dramatic first-corner accidents, playing ten pit-crew bowling with his car, leaving the pits before he has been refuelled and mowing the grass around the circuit with his front wing.
Rrrmmmnnn Grrrjjjnnnn
French kid with a white-man's afro. Frequently drives as if drunk, which may have something to do with the fact that he's French. His jaundice-yellow overalls match his jaundice-yellow eyeballs. Has consistently failed to impress, a trait very becoming of the French. Most notable achievement to date was when he charged at a marshall waving a white flag. His weekend usually goes with all the precision of a military operations. Possibly Arnhem.
[edit] QADBAK Sinister Foreign Investment Group Racing
A consortium of bankers, philosphers and men of science who decided to purchase a Formula One team after the departure of BMW-Sour. Their exact identities are unknown, but the name "QADBAK" (pronouced like "aardvark") translates as "Sinister Foreign Investment Group" in Klingon. Critics note that if world domination is their goal, they are probably in the wrong industry and that the four hundred million dollars they spent on buying the team would be better off spent on some nuclear weapons if they want to be taken seriously.
Pee Kay Junior
The son of former World Champion Pee Kay Senior, and heir to a fortune in his father's business making laxative in chewing gum form. Single-handedly caused third party car insurance premiums to skyrocket in his native Brazil despite apparently learning to drive on the roads of Bolivia. He was recently accused of deliberately crashing to fix a race result for his team mate, but was acquitted when it became obvious he was going to crash anyway.
Lookow Baduarr
Slightly senile Italian driver who is twice as old as the rest of the grid at the age of thirty-four. Recently made a comeback after a decade without a racing drive and proved to be so slow that the difference between him and the driver in front could be measured in time zones. Bad-doer is expected to be sent to Formula One's equivalent of a knackery next season, which is to say he will return with a team of his own. Not to be confused with Allen Post's similar attempt, but likely to be of similar quality.
[edit] New Teams
In 2009, the FIA opened up their grid to allow new teams to enter. The selection process as rigorous, requiring proposals that detailed their plans for sponsorship, media relations, starting at the back of the grid, two new drivers and television broadcast rights. Fifteen new entries were received, with three being accepted. Then, for some unknown reason, a fourth was added. And then a fifth annouced they were going to show up anyway.
[edit] Camp Grand Prix
A Spanish team with success in the lower categoies, best known for arriving in silver sequined jumpsuits, sensible heels and really good hair. They were seen signalling their cars in pre-season testing with a red cape.
[edit] The Playboy Mansion
Formerly known as Manor, the team ineviably became known as The Playboy Mansion after Virgin signed on, making the team Virgin-Manor. Fans note that it is unlikely there are any virgins living in the real Playboy Mansion, but full marks for trying. Their controversial livery featured as many naked women as possible, but following outrage from consumer groups, they were replaced with a series of well-written articles.
[edit] USSF1
After the United States and the Soviet Union decided that destroying the world was perhaps a bad idea, they decided they needed an arena to settle their differences and decided on Formula One. And so was born USSF1, the United States-Soviet Formula One Team. Not much is expected from them other than their drivers staring each other down from either side of the pit wall.
[edit] Lotus Position
A Malaysian team, originally named for the lotus position, which, strangely enough, is something Malaysia did not invent. Unlike the other teams, Lotus Position only have six months to get ready.
[edit] Stefan Grand Prix
A team claiming to be from Serbia, They were originally named Stefanovicovaskyovic Grand Prix after their leader, Sultan Stefanovicovaskyovic , which was shortened to the easier-to-pronounce Stefan GP. As they do not have an entry, they are not welcome at the party, with the teams hiring Chopper Read to keep them out, at least until they harden the fuck up.
[edit] Former Racers
Contrary to popular belief - that Formula One is the only known cure for insomnia - the sport was once considered exciting, and has played host to many immensely popular drivers over the years. Below are just a few how have left their mark on the world of Formula One:
[edit] Micky Shoemaker
Undoubtedly the most successful driver of his generation, Shoemaker has won more championships than anyone ever. Meanwhile the governing body of the sport has demanded that Shoemaker tow a caravan while driving a children's pedal car backwards to allow the opposition some form of a chance at winning. The recent announcment of Shoemaker's decision to retire has plunged the sport into chaos as somebody else can now win. He is also credited with the achievement of single handedly making Formula 1 boring.
[edit] Nathan Fillion
Quite possibly one of the two fastest and most furious drivers the sport has ever seen, Fillion is the former holder of the record for the most wins within the sport during his time with Team Firefly, a title now held by Shoemaker. His career was marked by furious battle with his number one rival, Chuck Norris; indeed they were so fast that Fillion and Norris often came first or second and daylight was third, assuming they didn't take each other out during qualifying or the race itself.
[edit] Chuck Norris
The number one rival of Nathan Fillion. When Norris wasn't in the Canadian's rear-view mirrors, Fillion could be found in Norris's. Their rivalry was legendary, with each constantly trying to better the other to the point where in an incident where Fillion had a high-speed accident at the famous Eau Jaune corner and Norris deliberately had a bigger crash on the next lap, claiming that he had to out-do Fillion.
[edit] The Stig
This white-clad racer was supposedly the brainchild of a CIA experiment gone horribly wrong in which attempts to train a cat to spy resulted in a superhuman racing driver. Nothing is known about the Stig excet that he was exceptionally fast in anything with four wheels, and sometimes just as quick in cars with three as his desire to push the cars to their limit often ended in a short trip into the scenery. Rumours abound question precisely who he is, with most of the speculation in tabloid newspapers variously suggesting he is actually Forsure Massa, Ralf Somebodyorudderr, Tak-Attack Sah Toe and Jacques Fucking Villeneuve. Ignoring for the moment that they phsically cannot be the Stig as they are all driving other cars at the same time, the speculation is clearly wrong as the Stig's millimetre-perfect driving lines are at odds with everyone else's usual tactic of using the other cars to slow themselves down.
[edit] Gregory House
One of the most notable racers Formula One has ever seen due to a damaged leg that meant he had difficulty finding gear at the best of times. Some have questioned his disability as he was never asked to take a drug test (critics of this theory ask how steroids and human growth hormones improve driving ability) despite being seen popping painkillers at almost every opportunity, including pitstops. House also drove for every single team in the field in his decade-long career, despite there being twelve teams at the time. Unfortunately he never finished a race as everyone tried to take him out because of his extremely arrogant and sarcastic nature.
[edit] Maddox
"Second Best" pretty much sums up Maddox's career as a driver. He was only ever considered to be the Number Two driver in a team that always came second. His near-legendary rivalry with Gregory House is considered second only to the Fillion vs. Norris races. Even his arrogant and sarcastic comments were considered inferior to House. In fact, the only time Maddox was ever considered better than another was when he was voted the sport's most unpopular and un-sportsmanlike driver, therefore furthering his reputation as second-fiddle. He couldn't even whinge about it properly as he was deciseively beaten by Stall Poddart every time the two complained.
[edit] Ricky Bobby
Injected some much un-needed cowbell into Formula One, and introducing the concept of "Shake and Bake" into the sport, which largely consisted of driving off-track and rattling the engine around until he over-cooked it. Variously hated and loved by the three fans of Formula One, he was forced out of the sport after being caught on camera with ... you know what? Screw it. I refuse to do this anymore.
[edit] Classic F1 Races
There have been a number of brilliant F1 races over the years, ever since the series began in February 1846. On Tuesday. At 2:41pm. Here are some (or rather, one) of the best:
[edit] Race Format
When teams arrive for a Grand Prix meeting, there is a series of events leading up to the actual race that must be performed. On the Friday of race weekend, a press conference is held that, in theory, allows the drivers to brag, boast and generally trash-talk to one another to get it out of their system. In reality, most of the questions are directed at Micky Shoemaker, with the occasional one being pitched to Sid Kick (these, however, can generally be answered with a monosyllabic response). This is because Shoemaker is first of all the only person anyone ever recognises, and secondly the press know that if they even look like they might ask Stall Poddart a question, then he'll start whinging and whining and generally be a nuisance without shutting up. The conference also gives Cole Trickle an opportunity to insist he is not gay.
Following the press conference, the first round of qualifying begins on Saturday mornings. Qualifying is a combination of a driver's past performance, popularity, a foot race and random chance. This generally means that Shoemaker and Kick will qualify first and second, with everyone else just making up their minds as to where they will start on Sunday morning because the two Ferrero Rochers always win. Afterwards, everyone climbs into their cars and drives around for a bit. This move was implemented to deal with criticism over the fact that a foot race (usually to the nearest bar) has nothing to do with racing cars. Counter-critics say that, despite driving ability improving in some people by 3500% with each beverage consumed, racing cars might actually be dangerous. Cole Trickle is uncertain which side of the argument to take, but would like to comment that he is not gay.
Sunday has a ritual of its own, usually beginning with Poddart's team being thrown out and Team W.A.T.W.O.F.O. engaging in more of their trademark blatant self-promotion. Many drivers usually like to take a nap early in the morning, and the race officials are willing to wait for everyone to wake up before beginning. This means the race can start at any time from 11am to 11pm - Kimmy Rakkynen is notorious for making sure her makeup is just right - with the cars lining up on the grid. A series of lights count down to the beginning of the race, starting with red and changing to orange, yellow, red, red, green, blue, red, black, white, beige, ivory, bone, off-white, egg-shell, red and finally green. Despite being able to name all the colours in the countdown sequence in a recent interview, Cole Trickle would like to clarify that this does not mean he is gay.
The race itself is usually run over fifty laps, however on all Tilke-designed courses, the race ends when the drivers get bored, which is usually after a lap and a half. During the race, all drivers are required to make three compulsory pit stops: one to change the tyres, one to refuel, and one so that the driver can take a leak, after which they all go out again and drive around in circles, careful not to do something as ungentlemanly(/unladylike/un-it-like) as overtake. At the end of the race, trophies are awarded to the first place driver - Shoemaker - who will then to a victory dance and spray something that looks like champagne and smells like champagne, but tastes like something else entirely over everyone. No-one knows what it is, but it does come from France.
Formula One is well-known for its scoring system, which is the source of most of the entertainment. Points are awarded at the end of each race based on who scored with the most grid girls, with most of the attention being given to Kimmy Rakkynen for some reason. In truth, this system has very little to do with actual racing, but if Formula One is to be believed, neither does overtaking, and so the scoring system is kept in. The overall winner is the person who has picked up the most during the season, which is possibly why most teenage boys seriously consider it as a career choice. It also explains why it is so difficult for any of them to get in. Cole Trickle (still not gay!) denies recent reports that he and his manager (also not gay) at a gay bar, but rather that it was a "happy establishment" where they were attempting to increase Trikle's scoring ability.
[edit] New Regulations for 2009
At the end of the 2008 season, critics and pundits alike noticed that the racing had produced exaclty the same result as the championship in 2007 as the 2008 champion won by just one hundred points. Because of this, it was decided that a raft of new changes was to be introducted. In keeping with this philosophy, teams were going to be required to actually race a raft until it became apparent that this might prove to be somewhat impractical. This, in turn, was criticised because Formula One is, for the most part, the very definition of impracticality. As the turn-about arguments continued, the teams continued to develop impractical cars instead of impractical rafts, and by the time anyone else noticed, it was too late to change anything and "inattentive" was added to the list of adjectives used to describe the farcical, useless, corrupt, kleoptomaniac, evil, rotten scoundrels ("FUCKERS" for short; the addition of "inattentive" made the acronym "i-FUCKERS" and thus paved the way for Apple to sponsor the championship) that form the FIA. Thus, Monsieur Ecclestone was forced to sit down overnight and create some new regulations of his own. The most important rule change will come in mid season, in which the cars must have backseats with two 7-year olds who wont share a packet of crisps, who will constantly ask if their there yet and will spray tango orange in the drives eyes randomly without warning.
[edit] Metals
A typographical error on a press release initially described the championship as operating under a "medals" system, with drivers be awarded a gold, silver or bronze medal for their efforts. In reality, this should have read "metals", as winning drivers will be awarded heavy metals at the end of each event which they will then be required to wear for the duration of the next event in an effort to slow them down.
[edit] Design
The design of the cars has been altered for 2009 in an attempt to promote passing. Gone are the aerodynamic aids that one meant the cars could outrun Flash Gordon (quite an achievement, considering they have wheels, not legs); instead, they have been replaced by wheels taken from a shopping trolley and a rear wing that must be at least as tall as the driver of the car, making driving under low clearance signs at the Ful Kar Park circuit impossible.
[edit] Qualifying
Qualifying has been amended for 2009. While the grid is still decided on past performance, popularity and random chance, the drivers now run the foot race while being chased by a rabid polar bear or Tom Cruise if a polar bear is neither rabid nor close at hand.
[edit] Calendar
The 2009 championship starts off at the Bordom-ring and finishes in South Central, but several other changes have been made: Ful Kar Park is gone, with Fat Albert Park Circuit moving up to takes it place. Monaco moves to Fat Albert's weekend, while Fuggi and Spaz swap about to take advantage of local monsoonal conditions. The Venice Ring, Ikea Circuit and Goldstone will all swap about as well, but only if the Mar-zipan Ring cannot find an event to take its place as it is swapping with Fat Albert Park. The Ring in New Zealand might be included, but no-one knows for sure as New Zealand has currently been misplaced. To accomodate for this, Monaco and the Alabama Speedway will fill in for it; the decision as to which one will be decided by tossing a coin the week before the US Grand Prix, but only if it swaps with Fat Albert Park. If not, Fat Albert Park will replace Monaco, and Monaco will fill in for Ful Kar Park, while negotiations are underway to host a race in Absurdistan to fill the vacant spot on the calendar. The Nurbgurberurbergergrerbururgrurebrur Burger King Ring is currently looking to change its name to the slightly more pronouceable "Xyzzy Ring", and will now host two races, one of which will only count for constructors points and driver metals unless they can help the Fat Albert Park Circuit host a race at the Venice Ring and the US Grand Prix on the same weekend. If you have read this and understood it, please contact the FIA. They need a bit of help making sense of their calendar.
[edit] CURRS
'Combating undertalented relations racing system' is a new piece of technology introduced in the 2009 season. The basic premise is when a relation of a famous driver, such as Nelson Piquet or Micheal Shoemaker steps in the car it automatically ejects them using a burst of pneumatic air from the seat. The benefit of this system is it allows REAL FUCKING DRIVERS TO HAVE A CHANCE NOT IDIOT SONS OR BROTHERS OF GOOD DRIVERS! The technology is still being improved by 2010 Bennie Ecclescake hopes it will also break their legs.
[edit] Racing Terminology
As Formula One is a complicated monotony, the FIA have put out a guide to the sport in an effort to explain it to fans both new and old, as old fans are forgetful, frequently tuning in to races in spite of the fact that there was no excitement in the previous race and thus it is unlikely anything has changed. With this in mind, the FIA published the guide to Formula One in the latest edition of Masochist's Monthly as it is clear that the fans enjoy being in pain if they can tune into the races as frequently as they do.
Pole Position
Pole Position is the first position on the startig grid. In order to decide who starts from this coverted place, the entire nation of Poland is asked who should start there, hence the name.
Chequered Flag
The chequered flag is waved to signify the end of the race. Traditionally, it was waved to the first driver to cross the line; however, it has since come to be associated with the person who has the biggest cheque book, and thus can bribe the officials more than anyone else.
Pit Stop
During the race, all drivers make pit stops, which gives the team an opportunity to fix the car up after the driver undoubtedly planted it in the wall. It is so named because commentators during the first race that pitstops were introduced wanted to promote a family-friendly attitude after accidentally tuning into a radio in time to hear the driver shout "I need a piss pot!"
Gravel Trap
Gravel traps line the circuits, usually sitting inconspicuously after each corner. Officially, they are there to slow the cars down if they go off the circuit, but don't let the FIA fool you. Gravel is the natural enemy of a Formula One car, as the cars are designed to be driven on bitumen, not dirt. Thus, the gravel lies in wait, cunningly disguised as a safety device and waiting for its prey to slide off and into their sandy maws.
Rumble Strip
Rumble strips are another hazard for the car, lining the inside of each and every corner. If a driver happened to cross one of them, the rumble strips will cause his car to vibrate violently to the point where it is in danger of falling apart. Cole Trickle is unusual in that he drives over every single one of them, every time.
[edit] Controversy Surrounding Micky Shoemaker
In recent years, allegations of cheating by Micky Shoemaker have been made by other teams following a bizarre series of accidents. These claims were first made in 1994 when, going into the final round, the car of a rival competitior for the World Championship exploded mid-race at a time when the driver was just one point behind Shoemaker. The race was controversial in its own right as it ran through the People's Democratic (But Not Overly So) Republican Monarchy of Zugabia, which was currently in the middle of a cease-fire after its four hundred and ninety-first bloody civil war in three-and-a-half years. The explosion of the car - no-one remembers the driver's name, but he now works for Pizza Hut - resulted in ethnic tensions flaring up again.
In 1997, Shoemaker was again called into question when security footage arose of him giggling as he planted what looked suspiciously like a bomb on his opponent's car in the final round of the World Championship, this time held in Antarctica. He was cleared after the explosion when Oscar Wilde theorised that the explosion may have been caused by a slip in the time-space continuum. 1997 was also the year Hermann Tilke was fired for building tracks in "exotic" places after the Antarctican and Zugabian incidents.
In 2000 Shoemaker was at it again, this time when he was awarded a Stop-Go Penalty. Although such penalties are commonly awarded for displaying exemplary driving skills such as hitting pedestrians and the occasional streaker, Shoemaker-gate Number 3 was notable because it was the first time a driver actually bothered to take the penalty. Or, at least, that's what it looked like, except Shoemaker was actually just making a pit-stop.
Finally, in Monaco, 2006, Shoemaker claimed to have lost control of his car at 1.6km/h. The resulting accident demolished a city block and caused a two-hundred metre section of track to collapse into the ocean, no mean feat given that the circuit was six kilometres from anything resembling a body of water. Some believe this was an effort to stop his opponents from setting a qualifying time that would beat his pole position, though the Sid Kick, the only person who could rival him, was out after his car detonated in practice. When asked about Shoemaker-gate Number No-One-Is-Counting-Any-More, the man himself was quoted as saying "Oops".
[edit] Race of Non-Champions
Also known as "Indie Cars", the long running Race of Non-Champions serves as a "sister series" to Formula One, and brings together the worst drivers from every motor racing series in one fantastic showcase of shiteness. Drivers that feature in the series include American former MotoGP star Wade Forett, who is unfortunately completely clueless when it comes to cars, and Indianapolis Motor Speedway Peterson, whose father accidentally filled out his race application form when he meant to sign the birth certificate. The series has reached levels of mediocrity so high that all of this year's usual entrants were beaten by a pair of Papua New Guinean newcomers, who are attempting to launch into the motor racing world with the country's first supercar. The race was a success, and the company will complete a takeover of Toyota by the end of the year. Some past winners of the event include:
| Year | Racers | Country | Car |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2009 | Roberto Cheesefecker Kimbo Slice | The Moon Bahamas | Vibratorre MVR500A V12 |
| 2008 | Tran Z'mishan Ge Ab Ox | Papua New Guinea | Papua GTX-R2008 880bhp Racing Prototype Concept |
| 2007 | En Jin Failure Nokon Woodo | Japan | Nissan Crashqai |
| 2006 | Antti Climax Verri Baadätturnen | Finland | Flåke 99 |
| 2005 | Hans Offmeinßandwich Ann Other | Germany | Raß Claat |
| 2004 | Mario Luigi | Italy | Lancia Y10 |
| 2003 | Mike Hunt I.M.S. Peterson | Oozer | Acura Forcansa |
| 2002 | Wong Wei Fu Kyoo | Malaysia | So Shi-Tei Smatijove |
| 2001 | Wade Forett Mike Hunt | A United State in America | Ford Transportation Device |
| 2000 | Larry King M.T. Bucket | Not France | Rover S-Return |
[edit] Other Motorsports
- Drag Racing
- Rally Racing
- Autocross
- NASCAR
- Indy Car
- A1GP
- WTCC
- FIA
- V8 Supercar
- Gran Turismo
- Mario Kart
[edit] External Links
- "Official F1 Theme - Playing with the boys". [[wikipedia:|]],
