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The top-selling pop singer's immortality has terrified even the strongest of political leaders.

“In Soviet Russia, pose strikes YOU!”

~ Stalin on Madonna

“We only got four minutes to SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

~ Lewis Black on Madonna

“AN OUTRAGE!”

~ The Pope on Madonna

“Papa, don't preach!”

~ Madonna on the Pope

“That's POPE to you, bitch!”

~ The Pope on Madonna. Couldn't you imagine him saying that?

“OK, I appreciate you like to steal babies from their rightful parents, but please, PLEASE stop!”

~ That player Malawi kid that made the baby on Madonna

“Malawi won't let Madonna have a baby because she's a washed-up twenty dollar hooker.”

~ Captain Obvious on Madonna

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Madonna.

The Madonna is a mysterious, immortal, almighty, demon-like creature that is believed by some to be the reason why God hates humanity. While nobody knows the true name of this being, it was called Madonna by United Nations and considered to be a woman. Madonna was, as a child, given the power to never age. Coincidentally, she can never die and has been alive for billions of years since the fateful times of Jesus. She is also immune to nuclear radiation; because of this, scientists believe that if a nuclear holocaust were to occur, all that would be left is Madonna herself and cockroaches. Madonna would then infect the cockroaches with STD's and masturbate all day. Her full life's accomplishments are as follows.

[edit] Madonna's Destiny

[edit] Early Life and Band

Madonna's 11th album, an instant success.

Madonna was put on this Earth a day after Jesus by an unknown force, possibly Satan. Before starting her life quest, Madonna became known for inventing prostitution, the make-believe country of Malawi, and female masturbation. She then began her life with intentions of being a big music star to gain power.

Before Madonna could leave to America, Jesus attempted to exorcise her, believing that she was true antichrist. Madonna killed him with her ugly face. She then moved to New York City and had sex with a whopping 8,000,000 men, 750,000 women, 60,000 transexuals, and 100 aliens. Her sexual organs became stronger, and Madonna decided to start a career.

[edit] Ray of Doom: Mein Kompf

Madonna started her career as a furniture designer, literally carving out furniture with the use of her clitoris, which seemed to be eight-times the size a normal clitoris. Afterward, she started a solo music career. Her eleventh album, Ray of Doom (Mein Kompf), was a collection of beautifully written songs that explain different ways she could conquer the Earth. Ray of Doom was critically acclaimed and won her numerous awards. Songs include: Frozen, a song about freezing the Earth and killing all humanity as we know it; Drown The World, a song about drowning the Earth and killing all humanity as we know it; Nothing Really Matters, a song about how Madonna doesn't care about Earth and plans to kill all humanity as we know it; and the title track, Ray of Doom, a song about destroying the Earth with a giant laser beam and killing all humanity as we know it.

[edit] Madonna Bombs Pearl Harbour

Now filthy rich, the demonic pop star then hypnotized New York's biggest crimelords to help her construct a powerful bomb in the form of a giant disco ball that would become known as 'The Lucky Star.' The giant disco ball, or Lucky Star, was dropped on Pearl Harbour on December 7th, 1941 for no reason, other than Madonna's ever-growing love for human deaths. The U.S. Marines suspected that Japan was behind the attack, which led America into World War II.

[edit] Cyborg Madonna and 1st Concert Tour

Cyborg Madonna, a reborn form of the singer. This form can be indicated by a slight change in the eyes.

Still not married, Madonna continued her search for men to have hot sex with. She took a vacation to Arizona and tried horse-riding, but every horse she came across seemed to have a strange hatred for her. As she was leaving back to New York, an army of horses suddenly trampled over her, viciously trying to kill her. Madonna was temporatily injured with a scratch on her face due to her body's strong outer-shell. However, she died in the hospital three days later anyway. Since she was immortal, however, she came back to life in a new form, the Cyborg Madonna.

Now Cyborg Madonna, the crazy singer embarked on her first tour, promoting her rather disturbing yet beautiful album. This tour was an instant failure. Critique Marc Bolan reviewed the concert, saying "Madonna's tour was awful. Right into the first song, something provoked the bitch and she began attacking audience members with a flamethrower. Still, she is the first artist I've ever seen to actually stagedive, give a man a blowjob, steal and old lady purse, and get back to the stage all in about ten seconds."

[edit] The Kentucky Fried Chicken Incident

After receiving horrible oral sex from a comb, Madonna destroyed every 2nd KFC restauraunt she came across. Afterwards, she brushed her hair with a chicken drumstick while raping a fly with her toe.

[edit] Madonna Sinks The Titanic 2

On the night of Titanic 2's sinking, Madonna was reportedly seen on board performing some magic ritual, most likely cursing the boat or summoning ice bergs from the sea. Rumors have spread that the iceberg that sunk the ship was actually the remains of the giant disco ball Madonna used to bomb Pearl Harbour. Madonna drew herself naked on board during the sinking, and was unable to get out in time. Because of this, the iconic singer was cut to shreds by the remains and died a second time.

Madonna was of course reborn yet again, now with the sudden hatred of disco balls.

[edit] Russian Life

Madonna joined the Soviet Union after leaving America.

Wanting to meet another good-looking man to rape, Madonna decided to join the army. America would not let her do this, however, due to the fear that she would hypnotize American soldiers and destroy the country. Instead, she joined the Soviet Union and met Stalin, whom she had hot sex with and married the following year. However, Stalin suggested she write more music rather than fighting in war. This pissed her off so she decided to kill people. After killing people, Madonna had more hot sex with Stalin, but little did Stalin know, she had sexually planted a bomb inside his penis. Stalin died a day later. From all this experience in the war, Madonna wrote the song Russian Life and released it to the public in her newest album of the same title. Other songs from this album include Nobody Loves Me, Love Obliteration, Fuck Another Day, and Dollywood, dedicated to Dolly Parton, Madonna's lesbian wife in a previous life. This confused Dolly, for as far as she knew, she had never met Madonna. Angered by Dolly's confusion, Madonna unleashed her newest creation, zombie vaginas.

Hating Russia and America, Madonna decided to move to London and wrote the songs I Hate New York and Fuck Russia. Here in London she would meet racist director Guy Ritchie, and would enter a much softer part of her career.

[edit] A Dish To Remember

During Toploaders recent reunion tour, Madonna was so overcome with joy that she cooked the most awesome caserole this side of the Radlantic. Consumers are well known to be "pleased to the point of erection" with her caserole...with one even saying they'd "marry the fuck outta Madonna if she didnt have a quintuplet of cocks".

[edit] Adoption and Liberia

Madonna stunned the world when she accidentally adopted the male population of Liberia. With all of these kids, Madonna thought of what to do. An idea struck her, and she put them inside giant maracas, and started shaking them. She soon regretted this, so she made up a fictional country, Malawi. When Malawi denied her the right to adopt children there, she became angry and recorded the sound of children screaming while being shaken inside a giant maraca. The noise became Madonna's next album, "Me Against the Caltholicism". It's considered her funkiest album ever.

After much success in the music industry, Madonna still felt she required more fame. She needed to be a professional at something else, which she soon discovered to be a perfect plan: The film industry. She began making a candid, behind the scenes documentary entitled Having Sex With Madonna, which focused on Madonna's private life in between shows for her previous Cone-Fessions World Tour. In one controversial scene Madonna can be seen arm-wrestling with Kevin Costner; upon losing the match, she lashes out at Kevin and accidently punches his left eye out. Madonna's next single, following the film's flop, was entitled Eye'll Remember and dealt with the emotional issues surrounding the loss of Kevin's eye.

[edit] Legacy

With her long-spanning music career, she effectively flourished in her art, which consisted of songs about sex, women, she-men, and compelling teenagers to dress like her without consideration of their level of attractiveness, weight, and gender. Her "art" also encourages everyone to sleep with as many creatures and inanimate things as they can, while teaching them how to pretend to like bad sex as well as how to fake orgasms. She most effectively shared her teachings by authoring a book, that won six Pulitzer Prizes and nine Hugo Awards, featuring herself and Z-list celebrities getting fucked in all 642 sexual positions, performing a number of fetish-driven fornications.

Madonna is able to sing simultaneously via her vagina, anus, and mouth, all three of which were mic'd during performances. It is a little known fact that many of the "background" vocals on her earlier albums were actually emanating from her non-oral orifices, both of which have vocal characteristics quite different from her main singing voice. Many higher pitched vocals such as those on Lick a Virgin came from her anus, while more soulful vocals such as the background singing on Borderline were the typical sound of her vagina. Madonna gradually stopped using her anus for backup vocals as it had become over-dilated and could no longer hit the higher registers. However, she does still use various farting techniques in some of her later works, and even used it to emulate a stage light during one performance of Ray of Doom

[edit] Discography

Madonna's mobile phone

(simplely) Maddona! (1783)
Like a Surgeon (1785)
Pussy Blue (1786)
Who's That Bitch (1787)
You Can Fuck (1787)
Like a Sucker (1789)
I'm Dickless (Songs From and Inspired by Dicks) (1790)
Erotica (1792)
Sextime Stories (1794)
Big Dick to Remember (1795)
Ray of Doom (1798)
Musuck (1800)
Russian Life (1803)
Me Against Catholicism (1803)
Revived & Rebitched (1803)
We Wish You A Merry Bitchmas (1804)
Pansexuals on a Wet Floor (1805)
Pansexuals Raped (1805)
Hey Jew (1807)
Hot Candy (1808)
Sexy Grandma (1810)
The Breast Tapes (1894)
I Fell In Love With Some Bagel (1897)- an Spanish soundtrack Madonna recorded about fucking donut-holes with her penis.
Four Minutes (To Save My Career) (1908)- Produced by Timbaland in bid to save Her Madgesty's career. Has failed before even released.
Rotten Candy (1908)- Madonna's 1908 album including her most disgusting lyrics line "My sugar is raw, sticky and sweet"
Give it 2 me and suck it with me (1912) - Produced by Pharell Williams after Timbaland's failed attempt to save Her Madgesty's career

[edit] Dictionary Definition

Madonna, when looked up in a dictionary, supports the following definitions:

(n) The less often selected of two options.
(n) An item in nature that, once viewed with the human eye, causes immediate explosive regurgitation. It is recommended that one not look directly at anything answering to the title 'Madonna'.
(n) Yiddish A shiksa who actively mocks the Jewish people and their culture and will probably be stoned to death with clumpy Hassidic shoes if she ever ventured into Stamford Hill.
(n) The mother of famed Jewish cabinet maker and corpse impersonator Yeheshua Bin Yoseph.
(n) A larval stage of development.
(n) Spiritual Girl. The favorite song of Spiritual Girl is "Call Me Earth-Mother, Esther."
(n) A rare and odd condition which can, unfortunately for the rest of us, make a person speak with a English accent when everyone in the world knows they're from Bay City, MI.
(v) To imitate, to appropriate, or blatantly to rip off, especially nascent cultural and artistic trends, just before they move into the mainstream.
(n) The mother of Madonna.
(n) A country near the Arctic Circle somewhere near Bjork, Iceland.
(v) To castrate using mind power alone.
(n) My sex toy. Or as the Jewesses say "Goy toy".
(n) A world famous blogger who is infuriated that an obscure singer named Esther has stolen her name and image.
(v) (a) A state of confusion. (b) To misunderstand something by receiving third hand information. Said to be inspired by a women who tried to become English by copying an aristocrat who tried to pretend to be a film-director while pretending to be a disadvantaged cockney barrow-boy who had mysteriously married into money.
(n) A skank (Not to be confused with Paris Hilton's 'Skanke' perfume).
(n) One who confuses themselves with an English person.
(n) A colloquial London term denoting an American who has wondered into a pub unsuitable for their socioeconomic class and will shortly be mugged, mouth-raped and beaten to death in a nearby alley.
(v) Having to do with changing your accent to coordinate with your current choice of raincoat.
Referred to in the Gospel of Britney Spears.
It's very hard to see the screen or reach the keyboard when she keeps straddling you, apparently due to a condition that became common in the 1980's she finds it impossible to stop for long.
She likes a little prayer.
She claims that her toilet seats aren't for sale on ebay because she wraps them as holiday gifts for the poor and for K-Fed.
Now relaunching herself to market Zimmer frames for her peers.
Actually predates time.
Is presumed to be the biological mother of Mello.
Is so ugly she looks like she hired a drunk, to disguise her as a cheap 1980s Brazilian transexual, by smearing porcine excrement over her face in a creative manner.
Had to by knee pads because of the long amount of time she spends on her knees performing fellatio behind Dunkin Donuts, owned by a real Jew (Israeli).
She used to shoot up.
Once lost a fight with Thora Hird.
She orgasms at least once during every song.

[edit] Fun Facts

10% of men who penetrated Madonna also urinated inside her.

Madonna's vagina is infamously known to circumcise any intact penis that enters it. This was one of the reasons why Guy Ritchie got a divorce.

On her Bitching and Moaning Tour, Madonna bitchslapped one of her dancers, which resulted in a fight that caused Madonna to suck the dancer into her vagina and make him her permanent tampon.

Madonna once died from a lethal mix of cat hair, semen, crumbs, and Windex while watching Good Burger on her TV. In her funeral, she was resurrected. She sang the following:

“Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble deep. Papa don't preach. I've been losing sleep. But I made up my mind. I'm keeping my baby.”

~ Madonna on... who actually gives a shit what she's talking about?

Everyone who attended jumped into her coffin and buried themselves.

Madonna was reportedly asking Katie Price and Peter Andre to see if she could buy Harvey off them for £32 million pound

Miley Cyrus performed armpit noises... pardon me, backup vocals (hey, they sound exactly the same) on several tracks of "Four Minutes (to Save My Career)".