Football

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This article is about a snazzy British invention that causes braindeath; for the plagarised American sport that causes death, click here

“For fuck's sake, it's pronounced soccer. SOCK KER.”

~ All Yanks on the rest of the worlds idea of Football

Football, a sport which is gayer than rugby, known as "Fútbol de Pelota" in Mexico and "curling" in Canada,and pair gola in Peru, is a Niche sport played round the world only by divorced women over 52 and the descendents of vishnu. The game was first played in scotland in 1860 however then the rules were very different from now. First, you can kill someone and chop off their head to use it as ball. Then the 2 peoples of 2 villages used to try and run the head to the other village, without having their head chopped off as well.

The sport spread round the world, despite the mortality rates of its enthusiasts. In 1920 a huge step forward for the sport was achieved when they dropped the dead head, and replaced it with a leather "football", this combined the cancellation of the TV show Dallas, and sent the sport's popularity into the thousands.

Contents 1 The Name 2 History 3 Laws of Football 4 Football Positions 5 How to look like a footballer 6 How to Score a Goal 6.1 Eric Cantona 6.2 Michael Jones 6.3 Chris Waddle 6.4 Paul Gascoigne 6.5 Myspace Tom 6.6 David Beckham 7 See also

[edit] The Name

Soccer is named after "Suck Hair", because research has shown the wives of soccer players are over 94.6% less likely to shave (part of) their hairy pussy than other housewives. According to five anonymous (ex-)soccer players (identified only by their first name and the first letter of their surname; Johan C., Romario de Sousa F., David B., Diego M., and Edwin van der S.), any sane soccer-player would prefer to find a hairy pitch under his sheets at night after having touched the slippery grass all day long. Other research has shown heading two balls a day makes a player 65.4% more likely to prefer sucking his wife's clitoris over getting his own pole smoked. Five headers per day increases this to an impressive 87.1%. Although not confirmed, more than five headers a day could lead to numbness in the body part.

It is commonly known that most footballers enjoy having sex with one another. The fact that yobs are all latently homosexual and their inner turmoil causes them to become extremely violent underscores this fact. It is also true that over 112% of football players enjoy massive cock sucking fairs in which their "team leader" gives each and every one of them head. The trick in this game is to be first in line and to not be the one who at the end gets the "magic surprise in their mouth", which is basically a large collection of every one else's sperm who has "cummed" in the "team leader's mouth" plus their own. This is a fun fun game for the hardcore football players. The bright side to being last and having to swallow is that you are the one who gets to do the sucking next time =) So no worries about swallowing next time! This is just one of the great games those adorable football guys love to play. I'm sure you have heard of many amazing games your self, or even ones barney oh the more better than this one.

During the pre-history time, when the psychos ruled the world, footballs were banned because the psychos were convinced that they hid kitten assassins inside (this was before the kitten war).

[edit] History

Like everything, the English claim they had created football way back in 460,000,000,000 BC, around the same time they were creating the earth, but contrary to this belief, it is really a lie. However according to recent records uncovered in the ancient city of Fibs - the game was first played in 777BC in the Ancient Football World Cup tournament.

Football was also played by the Romans who used to kick rocks at the English when they were ruling their country, and the game back then had similar rules to today's game: two teams made up of 11 Roman's would aim to kick a rock at an Englishman, and a goal was scored if concussion or better yet death was achieved. Yet, as the romans realised the shithole that is England would eventually become a land full of scousers, foreigners and puffs, they eventually left back for Italy. And it was once the Roman's left that the English carried on the sport. However, they wouldn't have been able to play the game due to physical matters, because you see before the Roman's arrived, the English were originally cavemen like creatures who used to walk on all four limbs, and it wasn't until the Roman's arrived and gave them a good kick up the "arse", which straitened their back, and allowed them to walk on their two feet, and thus kick a ball. However, as the Roman empire fell back towards Italy, the English had an idea. Taking advice from their WWII campaign, where, if the English told everyone that it was them who single-handedly defeated ze Germans and their allies without any help form the Yanks or anyone else, they could make everyone believe it was them who invented football, and that is how the lie they tell today originated. However, this plan backfired as their teams throughout the histroy of the game turned out to be absolutely shit, uncapable of winning anything until they luckily won by cheating against ze Germans in 1966, which to them means they have won the most out of everyone and are the best at the game, whereas the Italians have managed to defeat everyone at the game and take the throne as the greatest in the universe, who can regularly had out lessons to underachieving teams like England, who rest their hopes on Steven "Scouse Bastard Ohh, I'm 30 yards from goal with one man to beat and three teammates in space, so i'm gonna shoot and miss horribly" Gerrard and the defensive capabilities of Rio "Looks like an extra from a star wars movie / own goal scorer" Ferdinand. Well at least they have qualified for Euro 2008...OH NO WAIT.

[edit] Laws of Football

The following is a list of rules that all footballers must adhere to.

1. You must keep your feet on the balls of a member of the opposing team AT ALL TIMES
2. You are the worst Human since your mum; those who disagree with you must be persecuted.
3. A riot is the ideal way for rival fans to solve their differences.
4. £10,000,000 per year is a fair and decent Wage for providing poor quality Entertainment.
5. The Referee is an incompetent fool, unless he favours your team; any decision made that does not benefit you is debatable, and usually, proof that he is being bribed by the opposing team.
6. Heterosexuals are not allowed to play. Any found trying to sneak in, well you don't want to know what happens.
7. The word "fuck" is an intelligent and articulate response to any conceivable question, claim, statement, or argument in the English language.
8. Fans are obliged to swear at least 20 times throughout the duration of a game.
9. Every club must have at least 1 gay ball boy in case there is an odd number of players for the after practice orgy.
10. All clubs should have at least one mummy designated to washing kits
11. All men must hug each other when their team wins (many men decide to take it 'father' in the world cup)
12. Man United are a bunch of cheating bastards.
13. James Lee-West is a fucking tramp.
14. Jojina Tucker is a right fucker.
15. Ben Lawrence is a cunt cus he wants to beat up CJ
16. Oli Bennet handed CJ in to all the chavs e.g. Ben Lawrence and Charlie Ellis. so is also a twat
17. 13 to this one were all written by Molly Cheeseman in Budmouth

[edit] Football Positions

Once upon a time, all 23,568 players on the field used to hop about, kicking the ball all around the field in a frenzy of sweat, blood and yet more blood. However, ever since the damn Limeys discovered the "alternative to God" (and it isn't tea), football is played 11 vs 11. The Jews, not wanting to scurry all over the field (Oy gevald! Our ancestors have been slaughtered time and time again and he wants to ruin his shoes like those accursed goishes!), decided to create positions:

• Goalkeeper: A player who has the right to handle the ball inside his little kingdom. While that sounds fun, all goalies ever do is stand inside their goals, waiting for someone to give them the opportunity to fly in the cool evening air like fags. Even their jerseys - long-sleeved shirts and shorts - raise the inevitable question: why the Hell are they called football players? And imagine the shame a former no. 1 experiences when he tells his grandchildren, "when I was a wee little bit older then yous, I shtood once a week in sommin' called the goal and flew at incomin' balls! Now donchye be laughin' - I med maugh money then you'll evah make as a shtinkin' lawyah or summin'!".
  Goalkeepers like to boost their egos by telling themselves penis size is proportional to height, but if that were true, short people would have long gone extinct. Goalkeepers are known for producing their time stopping saves, and thinking that they are the best player on the pitch, examples being Will Taylor and Robert Green. Goalkeepers are the only players on the feild who have balls and dont take pussy dives, if they do then they are executed by the International Goalkeeping commity. One example is Dida vs Celtic, seen or heard of him of late, i thought not. Also, it is not cool to wear headgear, no Cech ur weak skull is not an excuse. When a penalty is to be save, the goalkeeper will try to psych out his opponent, not by waving his hands like a retard, but by the sacred Goalline dance, which is taught in the jungles of the amazon to topclass goalkeepers, this tecnique has been passed down through the ages and has been mastered by goalkeepers such as Artur Boruc, Robert Green and Will Taylor. Goalkeepers have a licence to kill. Pwning who ever they want is apart of the job as a goalkeeper. Even if they do not try to make a save, kneeing someone in the head is entirly acceptable.
  An example of a goalkeeper is "Big" Jim Stannard, who broke the record for the fewest goals conceded in a 46 match season, playing for Gillingham in Division 3, 1995-96. He also broke the record for most saves in a 5 second period, in a match against Colchester that season - a fantabulous 23,650 saves. Ironically, Colchester scored from the resulting corner.

• Centre Back/Full Back: A player who serves as an excuse for the goalie to use whenever he concedes a goal. Historically, FB's have always been big chumps who couldn't handle the ball, or simply less-talented strikers who wanted to do something other in life than work in a factory or make fish and chips all day long (they still had to work in factories. Where's Margaret Thatcher when you need her?). Nowadays, however, rules like the offside rule exist to stimulate FB's to think and make it seem like they were actually better than FB's a few generations ago, or as Marco Materazzi said: "the striker man, big shame to calcio, he try ruin my salary, so I put bastard in offside, and pussy runs to referee to say it wasn't offside and I stupid flagpole. So I later revenge and make sure pussy don't have child".

• Defender: A player who defends the goal from threats along the sidelines. However, since the FB's usually do the charging and career-shortening for them, they are burdened with attacking from the sidelines, because they aren't as crammed full as the centre of the field (the reason to that remains a mystery to this day). Additionally, the poor souls need to dribble past the opposition occasionally and lob accurate balls into the oppositon's 16m box. With such hard work, it's no wonder paractically no defender has ever been chosen as player of the year. Defender must be gay and know a little bit about ballet. The most famous ballet dancer turned to football is Rio de Jeneiro Ferdinand Marcos. SHEBBBBBBBAAAAAYYY!!!!

• Defensive Midfield: A player who does exactly what the FB's do, except for the fact that he does it a bit further away from goal and attempts the occasional fruitless challenge. However, several DM's have realised that they're simply shorter FB's, and have since been doing odd things, such as being playmakers or taking free kicks and not winning the ball (well, there's always that crazy Italian guy who'll do it for you!). Pussies.

• Attacking Midfield: A player who gets the ball somehow and delivers it to the striker, or does fancy dribbling stuff. There isn't a lot more to be said on the AM, which just shows you what a dull position this is. Attacking mids such as Clark Wenborn dominate this position, but are often forced into the advanced striking role as no one from their team is as good at finishing as them. They are well known for their unstoppable shots and 'gerrardesque' goals, as well as their cristiano ronaldo style dribbling ability.

• Distracting Minefield: Some teams play with suicide bombers so look out for this position if you are up against Bin Laden Desert (Nottingham Forest), Al Qaeda Rovers or Taliban Town (Luton Town FC).

• Alluring Fauntleroy: A player who wears a teasingly small miniskirt and attempts to distract the opposition by craftily flashing them the lower part of his buttocks. This occasionally backfires when his own team is accidentally distracted, or when playing against those who ascribe to the frowned upon doctrine of the 4-4-2 formation.

• Winger: A defender with brains (Richard Dawkins claims this is an oxymoron) who is officially a midfield and so evades defending duties. They are generally the fastest players on the pitch so they can evade other irate defenders abusing them for not stopping goals.

• Whinger: An attacking player who hangs around and moans all through the match when no one gives him the ball. Oh boo hoo hoo hoo !!

• Striker: A lazy git who waits for some sucker to pass him the ball so he can comfortably lift his foot up, score a goal and earn fame and glory. Some strikers play behind the main one, but they're just AM's hoping to kick the lazy bastard's ass for stealing their booty. Strikers also have an unfortunate tendency to fall to ground after receiving any sort of contact, real or imagined.

• Striker Breaker: A defensive player (usually with a criminal record).

• Libero: A player who initially sits in front of the goalie and supports the offence from time to time by running in a beeline, so he won't have to run too much when the FB's suck too much. Liberos are in fact defenders who are not disciplined enough to stay in one position, and as such they stagger around the pitch like a group of Scousers making their way back from the pub.

• Subs: An unlucky player that warms the bench for the strikers, they usually have never kicked a ball in their life and are often retarded. They are either six inches or a foot long and, if lucky enough to be picked as the sub of the day, only cost £1.99. Examples include Charles Ower and Sean Maloney. The position 'sub' was created by Mark Lawrenson, for being shit.

football is the funniest thought of game in the world

[edit] How to look like a footballer

It is very important to look like a professional football player genuinely. Therefore it is essential to look like the real one, even if you are a novice.

To spot a fake footballer from the real ones, it is generally easy to notice that a fake footballer is not sponsored with products. The image to the left illustrates the real footballers from the fake ones. The more sponsored ads and products you have, the more real you are. This generally means that more sponsors are willing to place ads and ask you to endorse their products, and therefore increase your salary pay. Fake ones don't wear real kits (they download them off eBay, never mind buy them off eBay). You must make sure you are kitted out fully in branded clothing and they must look dirty (no new generics!). Stick some Band-Aids anywhere on your body for cosmetic purposes (AKA acting tough).

A shirt sponsor is a person or an organisation who stick their brand image, logo, writing, advert, drawing, CEO's private number, diagram, figure, or any other thing they can think of onto the shirt/jersey. This cosmetically improves the look of the jersey because not-messed-up-ones are too plain looking. This usually happens at a lower level (club football) where they cannot afford to pay the players, so the more ads you have on the richer the club is.

Although ads generally appear on club jerseys, they also make their appearances onto the national level so the sponsor pays more but more fans will want to buy or use that service. Take the England National Team for example, their sponsor is Nationwide, hence the "National level". Nationwide is a generic company that sponsors anything National, like Northern Rock, and are not to be confused with Nationalisation. The German National Team does not require any shirt sponsorship, but recently, they have signed a breakthrough deal with Microsoft and Apple as their shirt and technology (freebie) sponsors (although Microsoft and Apple are both competitors...).

Footballers generally enjoy bad music. Make sure you carry a portable music player with you at all times. Other electronic equipment are also recommended. Real football players are actually keen on technology, but are unsure which ones to carry around. So they carry all of them. The array of technologies ensures they also get in touch with geeks -- spreading the knowledge of football to all types of people.

[edit] How to Score a Goal

• Kick the ball...through...the white things, known as the goal posts.
• Give the ball to Pelé and he will know what to do!
• Let Jet Li kick the crap out of it.
• Kick the ball through the goal dumbass!

Extract from Football for Dummies:

• Get onto the field, which is usually covered with grass.
• The grass is typically green.
• Place foot on ball with force.
• The resultant force will change the state of the ball's motion i.e. ball flies.
• Run: place one foot in front of the other in rapid, consecutive movements.
• Move your body towards the ball's new location.
• When someone tackles you, place foot on ball. Try and kick ball away from opponent.
• Repeat run step.
• Find goal - made from white metal frames and net.
• Aim towards goal.
• Change ball's state of motion by placing foot on ball with a resultant force.
• If ball flies into goal, celebrate by doing some hideous action.
• Else repeat from step 3.

FC PHOENIX RULE!!!!! Fc phoenix do not rule as they are an american FOOTBALL (not soccer!!) team , therefore they are shit and a completely bad excuse for all bad football players who can simply say that is where they started :)

[edit] Eric Cantona

In 1996 Cantona took Manchester United to the final of the Euro Disney Mickey Mouse Cup. In 1998, Eric Cantona left the Tampa Bay Reserves to become an actor. Though many feel he has failed since he left football, this is not in fact accurate. For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation occurs. Eric is Bananaman, ever alert for the call to action. Not to be confused with Eric Bana who upon eating bananas, turns green and has the uncanny ability to attract women who just happen to be related to the guys trying to kill him.

Tried to kill a tramp in the crowd at Crystal Palace...big whoop! This, sadly for this French prick, was his best career move throughout his 200 years of playing tennis.

[edit] Michael Jones

Born on Australia Day 1991, this Australian footballer of Welsh heritage is regarded as the man behind the success of the 5th XI, also known as Dream Team, World XI, Galacticos, Limbourn FC, Redeem Team, Oscar Wilde XV, 9ths, Chris Kitchings Kitchen Connectors or FC Lads. He has complemented his career as the attacking genius behind their 100 game undefeated streak with a career in modeling, most famously he transformed himself into every single one of the wax figures in Madame Tussaud's. In his spare time he plays Football Manager, FIFA, Pro Evo, Rugby 08 05 and COD2. He also drinks Carlsberg very slowly.

His rivalry with his younger, and arguably more naturally gifted, brother Dominic is said to be what caused New Zealand to split from Australia. Their rivalry surpasses that of other Australian sporting siblings such as Steve and Mark Waugh, The Chappells, the Ellas, Liam and Joel Reddy, the Morris twins, and last but not least Matt Dunning and the ball of butter that is his twin. Outside his family he has numerous rivals, most of which are old people, lads in Parramatta, Shore boys or team-mates. Most notably are his violent and entertaining clashes with the man who replaced him as captain, Matt "Soul-less" Clune, and smartarse extraordinaire, L.Martin.

[edit] Chris Waddle

Other famous footballers to live careers with some levels of intelligence involved include Chris Waddle, who gained in brainpower throughout his sminki pinki career - culminating in the shaving off of his scorchio mullet in the early 21st century unfortunately he is now hated for the penalty he missed because he is a gayass ballsucker that one world cup, tosser. and George Best who won a Nobel Prize in Biology for the bionic liver he developed in order to carry on his 40 pints a day lifestyle.

[edit] Paul Gascoigne

Contrary to popular belief, Paul Gascoigne is actually the most intelligent person ever to walk to planet. His special ability, to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, make a fool of himself at just the right moment, and generally make the overall view of footballers to be fat, drunken, overpaid idiots, has taken a long time to perfect. It requires supreme skills in reading body language, diplomacy, cowbelling and being a Geordie. Decided to become an alcoholic and try to kill himself. Still the most intelligent man ever! Has a son...what's his name? Argh... it's gonna bug me... WAYNE ROONEY of course. The second most intelligent man on Earth! Search him on www.lemonparty.com OR www.goatse.fr !

[edit] Myspace Tom

Amaizingly, "Myspace tom" Is not his real name, he copied that name from a popular children's Cereal. His real name is Arripyor Bolokov and plays for Spartak Moscow. Honest.

Over the last few years, Arripyor Bolokov has won many awards, such as winning the gold medal for being a real tit or The bronze for being a overrated Douchebag.. What? You never heard of him? Well you must be crazy, CRAZY I TELL YOU!

In 2006, he was brutally tackled by the funny looking Croat, Eduardo. He had to undergo a special operation, which was led by a team of highly professional Hillbilies. He never recovered, So he joined the Church of Scientology instead.

[edit] David Beckham

David Beckham is probably England's most famous football, not for the right reasons however, but for the fact he married the the only remotely decent one from the Spice Girls and was dumb enough to name his children after where they were conceived. It is believed that he will continue down this path with his next child. It will be named the downstairs bathroom of Tom and Katie's place. Nice One Pretty Boy.

[edit] See also

• Worst 100 Football Variants of All Time
• English Football Fans