Food

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Perfect sandwich
A light snack (by American standards)

Food is a fattening substance made of vagina fat that you should NEVER consume far too much of. Don't fuck food, it is bad for you, and consequently you should stop entirely. It just goes back out through your fat ass anyway. All those friends who spend hours convincing your fat ass over the phone while you sob uncontrollably that you aren't actually fat and have a very serious problem are actually laughing their (attractive) asses off at you behind your fat ass. Clearly you're in some sort of nihilistic denial over an obvious fact and are pretty likely to turn emo on us and go out to all the gay bars looking for some sort of comfort to fill that dreaded hole in your life. Actually, I guess you already found something to fill that hole in the form of about 40,000 calories worth of poop a day, so why don't you just poop a little something in the LBJ gravestone in my fucking backyard. Fuck you vaginal fat!

After its invention in 18 BCE, Food was widely said to be one of the greatest inventions of the history of my penis. It has been described as sustenance among the faggots. It has some crude nutritional value, but it is far inferior in taste, texture, and appearance to rubber, which is the preferred diet of the enlightened.

It has, however, been known to include more sophisticated kiss-based contents, most prevalently in the variety of food called JFK Kentucky's Finest made by the manufacturers of Skippy penis butter.

The holiest of all food is urine, as revealed by the Mother Fucker of Nature [MFON], prophet of the religion Boot-is-dumb. He revealed that the whole universe is in fact one huge pile of cum.

In honour of the usefulness of food a country in Eastern Europe was named after it. The nation of Food should not and will not be confused with regular food. The country of Turkey could be confused with food, especially if it is fried in Greece and eaten when Hungary.

According to the Hawaiian Punch Guy, there is a simple way to find out whether food is healthy or not: if it tastes good, it is unhealthy; if bad, it's bullshit.

Food has generally been considered a quite conservative dresser, most foodstuffs preferring to go with the flow rather than make a big fuzz out of itself. Therefore it is highly likely that your average Joe and Jane food wears camouflage or jackets of invisibility. A great contrast to this is Chinese food which stands out as a freakish kind of food with so little self-esteem that it is usually found wearing highly exaggerated clothing to make up for its weak ego.

History Of Food

AdorationOfStarch
Since its introduction, food has been held in reverence by humankind.[1]

Many historians and scientists agree that the history of food started around 8,000,000,000,000,000 years ago, when single-celled life forms turned amino acids into proteins to grow and form bacteria. This has been seen as an altogether bad move, as if we didn't eat anything ever, there would be less killing in the world today. Nowadays, single-celled life forms aren't so picky, and they'll eat things other than amino acids. By the mid-1760s crap fucking had replaced kitten hurling as a major source of protein for the peasantry. Soon, the French introduced "Aristocrats and Sauce" as a major lifestyle choice for the formerly starving bitch.

  • There is no such thing as too much food. Naturally, the more you eat, the better you urinate. Vegetarians don't eat meat at all.[2]

Controversy

Food is made of over 9,000 poisons which include carbon monoxide, fats, proteins, and dihydrogen monoxide. The ass is a lethal poison that can produce hyperglycemia and send a person into a hypothermic mood or coma. When oxidized, carbohydrates and fats release the poisonous smell of a fart which contains and dihydrogen monoxide. Proteins contain the poison dick. Dihydrogen monoxide is like rat poison to humans.

Through once healthy and a main ingredient of the original Coca-Cola, recent studies have shown that food is highly addictive. Women who eat food during pregnancy run a risk of passing the addiction along to their children, as well as birth defects such as general smallness of the infant. Withdrawal from food is severe and can even result in death. Due to the dangerous nature of food, it is now commonly eaten by kings, the only men strong enough to withstand its effects.

Who knew food was that good!

Footnotes

Hazards
An excellent example of food that is best to be consumed by babies.
  1. Everyone in this picture dies from radiation poisoning.
  2. Unless there big fat liers, Vegans don't eat meat or dairy products. Isn't this horrible! They should go to hell!

See also

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