Flying Purple Hippos
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Flying Purple Hippos are a Kenyan species locally synonymous with the colloquial white man's term Pink Elephants. As such, Flying Purple Hippos are often on parade, and often haunt the fuck out of those who indulge in the reality-altering act of alcohol consumption. The term first came into local vernacular in the mid-80's, around the same time as the formation of Budweiser's flagship charity effort "Beer for the Third World" began its aid dispensation to the region (where ironically, water is quite scarce).
The Kenyan government/counsel of tribal elders has created numerous pamphlets advising the risks associated with a Flying Purple Hippos attack. Unfortunately the country cannot afford a Xerox copier, and furthermore, said pamphlets would have probably been lightly garnished and devoured by all who would receive them.
Chief Elder Oumbili Bu'untu of the Mu'untosu tribe described the first sightings of Flying Purple Hippos to CNN's Wolf Blitzer in a 1991 interview. Bear in mind that the alderman is one of four people in the nation with a working knowledge of English:
|You see, it is the big, and very large hippo. This hippo, he has the wings and he flies! He comes to you when you are sleepy, from the water that burns you as swallowed. They are VERY big, and have great appetite! They come for the soul in your body and leave you with none for heaven. The fire water burn is loved by all of my people: dying of dehydration is now much more for pleasure!|
Flying Purple Hippos are much like any other wildlife that you've encountered while inebriated, except for these 4 key differences:
- Flying Purple Hippos have wings. These wings enable the animal fly.
- Flying Purple Hippos wear tiny top hats as a confounding defense mechanism.
- Flying Purple Hippos are allergic to cornstarch.
- Flying Purple Hippos do not appreciate being mocked by having their likenesses shamelessly pirated for use in crib mobiles.
Hippos in Danger
Sadly, the end of Budweiser's humanitarian efforts in 1998 landed these wonderful creatures on the Endangered Species List. Endangered means that the animals in the certain species in question are currently dying slow, painful deaths. Every day, Kenyans are either dying from a myriad of diseases and afflictions (or just sobering up), and are thusly massacring the indigenous Flying Purple Hippo population of the region in record numbers. But fear not; thanks to the United Nations you can donate money to rape in the Congo. Don't worry though, you'll think its going to a good cause, and that's enough metaphysical catharsis to tide you over for the month.
Flying Purple Hippos in Popular Kenyan Culture
Plainly, Kenya has no popular culture. However, the closest thing to popular culture is the longstanding tradition of folk singing. In modern times these songs have been modified to include popular sentiment, and modern production elements such as AutoTune and Beat Detective aid in a well shaped, marketable sound. Once a recording studio opens on the continent of Africa, Kenyan folk will be quite well received.
Flying Purple Hippos are mentioned in the following officially sanctioned folk ballads:
- The Flybellys - Walk Like the Hippo Flies
- Su'shoo - Fundumafoon B'lale (Valley Where Purple Flies)
- Calimanti - God, I'm Fucking Drunk
- The Turtles - Everyday's a Hippo Bath
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