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Just another New Age myth, right?
WRONG!! It's so true you haters! The Flying Cow is known to occur in folklore from around the world, examples having been found in both prehistoric early human legends and in the texts of the ancient historic world. Ptolemy records a sighting of such a fabled beast, recounting a tale told to him by the wise woman of a village in the Upper Nile regions. Said to have taken place in about 3500 BCE (give or take a few years or so), this is thought by historians to be the earliest record of the phenomenon. Plato too mentions a sighting in 2000 BCE, when an entire squadron of Flying Cows were seen in the sky above Athens, bringing chaos to the streets as superstitious peasants mistakenly took them as a sign that Pallas Athene was angry with them.
Northern European Flying Cows were mentioned by the Venerable Bede, who tells us:
"Yea, ytte has comme to passe ynne ye hamlette of Miltonne Keynes thatte twere, ynne ye skyes, a fly-ynnge cowe. Mannye farmers, rougues and vagranntes did trye to claim ownershippe of ye cowe, for she was a Verily Fynne Specimenne an she gav a graet milke."
The Flying Cow phenomenon
Flying Cows have been found depicted on ancient cave paintings that date back to prehistoric times. These paintings often display the flying cow as a godly entity of great wisdom, usually snacking on grass and with a large group of people surrounding the creature, allegedly in worship. The sightings seemed to increase as the cow became a domestic animal, with many farmers losing several of their beloved bovines after their cows grew wings and simply flew away. The flying cow then enjoyed a brief period of time of popularity in European folklore, until they were documented migrating southwest. The flying cow was then forgotten, until the Europeans set out to colonize the West. Throughout their history, the cows were described in many different ways - from jet propelled cows, to helicopter cows, to simple winged cows, they seem to come in many different varieties.
First Modern Reports
The first modern sighting of a Flying Cow was documented in the U.S. city of Alpharetta, Georgia. However, due to the flying saucer sighting that occurred in the same year, the flying cow incident was overlooked regardless of the overwhelming scientific evidence in its' favor. During this period of the "UFO craze," numerous sightings of the flying cow occurred, but were almost completely ignored due to the popularity of the UFO. A nearly complete list of modern sightings is below:
- 1928: The "Alpharetta Cow" image is caught on camera. Completely ignored due to the UFO sighting of the same year. Scientists can be so stupid
- 1934: A flying cow is seen in the vicinity of the lesser-known Area 50. The cow was described as white with brown spots, and using two flaming chrome capsules as a means of propulsion.
- 1951: Flying over Area 50, the "chrome cow" was once again sighted. This sighting led some to believe that the U.S. government was researching the Flying Cow in order to harness the cows' jet propulsion technology.
- 1953: A sky stampede of winged flying cows flies through the skies of the city of Newark, New Jersey. Seen by many, the cows are described as varying in colour and size. They were also said to be mooing very loudly as they raced through the clouds.
- 1959: Austin, Texas -- a "hover" cow was seen snacking on grass, when it saw a Grue - the cow quickly chased after the Grue and tore it apart with nothing but its jaws. The scientific community began to consider the idea of the Flying Cow as a predator.
- 1969: Santa Fe, New Mexico. 4 to 6 Flying Spaghetti Monsters are downed by a single Flying Cow. This is the first time a cow is seen using its udders as a weapon.
Judging by the sightings of flying cows, it can be safely assumed that the Flying Cow consumes a diet of Space Grass and Magical Hay, as well as Grues and Flying Spaghetti Monsters, though it sometimes settles for regular grass.
Though many dismissed the Flying Cows as nothing more than poorly disguised flying saucers, many small "Cow Cults" popped up in North America, which thought of the Flying Cow as a creature of superior intelligence, sent to Earth in order to enlighten the human race. Most of these cults targeted the cattle industry, attempting to undermine it by means of terrorism and sabotage. Due to their goals and small numbers, the cults were often dismantled quickly. Like the "Contactee Cults" of the 1950s, the members of these groups often rallied around a central individual, who claimed to have been contacted by a flying cow, or claimed to be in telepathic contact with it.
The next generation of MS windows will have flying cow screen savers. Unlike most screen savers (like flying toasters) this will be real footage of a flying cow. It will also have a link to the flying cow web site.
- Cow This is the best thing you will EVER read. No, really! EVER! If you don't believe me go jump off a cliff.