Flute

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The flute is a musical instrument whose players tend to make up for the lack of talent in other sections of the band. This sophistication of the flute is, however, often trumped by the fact that even when the rest of a band is playing at its ABSOLUTE quietest, flautists struggle to be heard. Another problem is the 17,678,127 keys and buttons along the flute, making it the Official Second Most Complicated And Ridiculous Instrument in the World, losing just to the Cymbal.

Flute range (left) compared to trombone range (right).

edit History

The flute is scientifically accepted as the oldest and most worthless of all instruments (like, seriously, some artifact-digging dudes proved it). The flute started off as a small pipe of hellish matter with holes punctured in it and was given to God as a joke present from his father (generally believed to be Sir James Galway). However, about 20,000 years ago the original flute was dropped from the clouds (because it was rejected by God of course). As it entered the mortal realm, it turned into a simplistic form of wood. Modern flutes and their players much resemble the original pair.

edit Properties

edit How you play it

The flute is held to the right of the player's head. It is held with two hands. Those two hands must press 17-18 keys at any given time, or sometimes, all at once. In a marching band, the flute is to be held at an absolutely straight angle. When this does not happen perfectly every time, the drum major gets angry and shoots one of the flute players with a fn p90. He then proceeds to point out all flaws of playing the flute. If the drum major is a flautist, this is even more true.

To make a sound, the flute player blows across the hole on the end of the flute. Roughly 99% of the air is wasted and 0% makes it into the flute to make the sound. Nobody knows where the remaining 1% goes, but some believe it is taken by the gay, time-travelling fairies living in the flute's body. These fairies are born in the place behind your ears that you are supposed to wash but do not. At the age of one these fairies sneak out into the night to find a flute host.

edit Size

The flute is the only instrument that was designed to be awesome enough to fit into one's pocket, despite the bizarre number of buttons it possesses. This is partly due to the fact that it is the only instrument designed by demons.

edit Material

Stuff which you can be making flute from. Hark! A list approaches!

• Gold: Exists, but is extremely rare. If you are lucky enough to own one of these non-existent flutes, put it on eBay.
• Silver: Doesn't exist, except in your mind. What? You have a flute made of silver you say? No, you don't.
• Aluminium: Used for 1% of flutes. It looks like silver but IS in fact bendy (that's why it's made of aluminum stupid) but not expensive. Aluminum is considered too valuable for the production of flutes.
• Wood: FLUTES ARE MADE OF WOOD DAMN ALL YOUR BOHEMIAN WITCHCRAFT!
• Rubber: Actually better than wood and can play round corners.
• Plastic: Cheap and effective, doubles as pipework during plumbing disasters
• Glass: Is your toilet made of gold? Enjoying your chocolate teapot? No? Good, wise up.
• Duct Tape: Best Sounding, perfect for any marching mishaps.
• Rainbows and Buttercups: Really guys? If so we would be in Barney's dreamland...which would suck...

edit Types

• Ordinary: Quiet and high, I think you know what a flute is.

• Piccolo: A piccolo is a baby flute that comes from the mating of a flute and clarinet. When played properly the piccolo is the loudest, highest, and therefore most annoying instrument in the orchestra, which also means it is hated by everyone else... especially the brass players. Such a shrill, piercing, out of tune sound harms their sensitive, delicate ears. It's the instrument form Satan's rearend. Most piccolo players are stuck up and snooty, if you make fun of this horrible instrument.

Alto: THe only member of the flute family in the key of G. Is usually hated by band directors because it is not a "concert pitch instrument" Sounds a lot better than the flute. And a hella a lot better than the piccolo It has a deep, low, rich tone.

• Bass: Despite being possibly the biggest oxymoron imaginable, with the exception of "sober Scotsman" and "intelligent politician" there is such a thing as a bass flute. However, it is ridiculed every time it is taken out of its case for being curvaceous and able to play just about lower than a ordinary clarinet.

• Contra and Sub-Contra Bass: These massive, mythical beasts are so unbelievably awesome they are destroyed on sight by any non-flautist in order to preserve their own instrument's dignity. This persecution has led to there being only a tiny number left in the world, and their owners extremly nervous about allowing it to be played in a concert just in case their is a non-flautist present. Contras and Sub-Contras are not exchanged with money, instead there is a sacred, unwritten law that if a flute player sees one they must ask for a go, if the owner is stupid enought to accept, the first flute player is now the legitimate owner of the flute. This is another reason why these flutes are so rarely seen.

edit Tuning

There have only been three times in recorded history of a group of flutes being in tune. In such a situation, there is a code which all flute players must follow. This code is so sacred that even band directors have been brainwashed into following it. The code goes by the name of "It's a Miracle."

Piccolo players themselves are the ultimate scapegoat. Ninety percent of band tuning disasters are blamed on the piccolo, namely because of its high-pitched sound. If a anyone happens to be out of tune with the band, the blame of that out-of-tuneness is immediately shifted to the piccolo player, without regard for the fact that the figure is in fact 89%.

edit Alternate Uses of a Flute

• The flute can also be used as a pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, fired transversely in order to confuse the enemy.
• In adverse conditions the Flute can be used as a multi-player drinks straw.
• Skipping levels in Super Mario Bros. 3
• Communicating with Michael Flatley
• Turning off a light switch
• Scaring wild animals
• That one time, at band camp...
• Going fishing when you get stranded on an island.
• A javelin.
• A ninja weapon
• Light saber
• Wacking Stick
• Bursting the eardrums of small children.
• Baton/sabre used by the guard, often pursued by a brigade of pissed flutes
• Long metal device used at football games to secretly bash the head of another band member (often a player far enough away to not suspect the flute as the accomplice, then turning in a rage and whacking the nearest sousaphone player)
• That one instrument everyone wants to try and play during water breaks at band camp

edit Alternate Uses of a Piccolo

• That one instrument that the band director never has the patience to tune, thus ruining the entire sound quality of the band and preventing 1st place at competitions. There is no way in the Files of Forevermore to tune more than one piccolo. Winning bands shun their piccolos and leave them only to football games.
• Satan's mating call
• Murder weapon
• Suicidal weapon (in the case of freshman know-it-alls playing too loud and gasping for air, thus inhaling the piccolo which leads to suffocation and death. The dead flautist then falls to the ground, often causing disturbance to the entire band)
• Used as a magical and often untouchable object possessed by flute players, so unseen up close that it captivates other sections, brainwashing them into a vortex of Temporary-Piccolo-Fascination so the remaining flute section can sabotage their music.

Colors Flutes Come In

• Blue: You play this when you're sad.
• Black: You play this at night.
• Pink: Fuck you.

edit Personality

There are several types of personalities of flute players. It is generally accepted that the flute section has the best looking girls. Flutes are either super nice, super shy, super pretty, or super mean. Super-hybrids have also been found in the wild. Pretty much, super anything. Many are stubborn and tend to make friends with everyone. Including Female Percussionists. The most rare occasion is when the two become "BEST FRIENDS." Once that happens, run for your life, because Hell has surely frozen over.

edit The Guy

Many men look down upon playing the flute because they believe it makes them gay. They are terribly incorrect. You see, males in the flute section are constantly surrounded by hot girls, as opposed to other sections (such as the trombone and tuba sections), which are full of fat, sweaty, horny guys. Furthermore, since they are usually the only male in the section, they have to deal with all the hot girls by themselves (Sadly, most of these 'hot' girls are bitchy and annoying, and therefore just end up being a pain in the ass; the other .001245% are often very sweet and are the ones the male dates). Other men in the band look down upon the male flute player because he is talented and still manages to have a life, and is surrounded by hot girls. But this secret must be kept to ensure that the male flautists can totally own the others. Male flute players tend to be very talented (see Marcel Moyse, Sir James Galway, and Jean Pierre-Rampal), and are the actual good ones about 80% of the time.

edit The Diva/Bitch

Usually thinks she is quite a good player. Her downfall? She knows it. She tends to point out the perfect things others can't do, talk about all the competitions she wins (probably by bribing judges), and plays with excessive upper body motion. Also, The Diva tends to play with hyper speed vibrato that no one enjoys listening to because it reminds them of a goat. Usually the diva is out of tune in the flute section, but she must be perfect, so she blames it on the rest of the section. To top it all off she tries to be the section leader when she really is not, pretends to be friends with all the other flutes and has the most annoying voice to wake up to after a long bus ride home from competitions.

edit The Supermodel Wannabe

Usually just in the band to hook up with guys. Not particularly good, but just enough to get into the band. Known to cause many accidents because some members of the low brass section (including the girls) stare at her when they should be marching. These people are blamed for ALL marching accidents.

edit The Control Freak

Compensates for her lack of talent by controlling everything the members of her section do. Sometimes the section leader. This person also blames all their mistakes on the flute. They blow and blow and blow on the keys until the imaginary thing clogging the keys is gone or stand there for a minimum of 15 minutes trying to fix an imaginary screw. They are hated by everyone, even the fairies in the flutes.

edit The Actual Good One

The one that knows how to play their instrument, but isn't stuck up about it. They're normally seen hanging out with band kids who aren't in their section (or other "actually good" flute players). Not always a leader, they are sometimes seen helping other members in their section, so they don't look completely stupid (though their instrument doesn't help them much with not looking stupid, as the only badass flute players in the world are Ron Burgundy and Ian Anderson). Most of them are wannabe brass players, as they usually don't fit in well with their own section, since flutes are usually annoying little bitches. Normally. Or they will date "The Guy" and become the band power couple, rarely seen without each other.

edit The Listeners

These are often Flutes that stand there and listen. They are often very quiet in Band, but not in school. They are known to be excellent marchers, and fair players. They try not to get in other people's ways and are loved by the Actual good one. They have been know to tune out the actual good one and vote them off the island.

edit The Asian and Mexican

Almost every flute section has at least one Asian person. The Asian practices for approximately 26.3 hours per night, which results in them playing with mechanical perfection. However, their lack of a soul prevents them from expressing anything in their music and they often become confused for a Flute-Playing Robot.Either that or they attempt TOO MUCH soul in their playing, thus blowing their own minds and rendering them incapable of playing. The Mexican does the exact opposite of the Asian. The Mexican practices for only 2 minutes every week, loves Justin Bieber, and thinks she is smart. People often talk about her behind her back but she doesn't care.

edit The Slut

These are the people that star in all the movies. They are actually quite good but hide their talent behind their slut like actions. They are the attractive stereotypical flute players seen in all movies and the original creators of "This one time at band camp".

edit The Piccolo Player

A rare breed of flute player, these are the heroes of the flute section, as they can actually be heard over any other instrument, they often receive excessive amounts of hate from all other types of instrument for being so loud and yet so small and easy to carry. Due to this hate piccolo players must quickly develop thick skins and a large selection of insults towards other instruments. If a piccolo player is provoked to extreme levels there is a chance that they will go berserk and perform an attack commonly known as "The Band Camp" with their piccolo upon whatever has infuriated them so. They are usually cocky and love to have the world hear them. They always must be the center of attention and be heard. The Piccolo is NEVER out of tune.

edit The Queen/King Bee

The one player in the section who is better than everyone else. Everyone knows it so no one tries to change it. They are usually the section leader. Very strong-headed and never afraid to tell you if you suck. They will always be there to help you even though most are too intimidated to ask. The Queen/King will normally get really nervous or anxious before performances even though they never screw anything up. It's best to be on their good side.

edit The Geeks

In a section full of attractive people there has to be the odd ones out. This is a group of 2 or 3 players that aren't amazing when it comes to playing but they aren't horrible either. They will generally stick to themselves and pretend to be amused when the rest of the section is talking about the crazy details of their wild weekend. They tend to use music as their outlet and are obsessed with anything music related.

edit The Color Guard

These are the flute players who choose to twirl flags rather than play music during the marching season and are generally the most annoying flute players ever known. During concert band they are usually second or third or even fourth flutes who generally suck. They probably joined color guard in the the first place because of their lack of playing skill.

edit Commandments

1. Thou shalt always flirt with the Tuba players, they hath the power you want.

2. Thy Flute is not a weapon, unless used upon to beat the Trombone players.

3. Thou shalt always mock the Trumpet players, because they be wack.

4. Thou shalt always tell thine director that thy cannot play a certain note, because thou art important to the band.

5. When thee come upon a Tuba Drum Major, thou must make thyself the center of attention by making funny faces and talking to them.

6. Even when thou art playing at thine quietest, thou shalt be too loud.

7. Even when thou art playing at thine loudest, thou shalt be too quiet.

8. Thou shalt dance during all rests.

9. Female Trombone and Tuba players shall be jealous of thee, for thou shalt steal their sections.

10. Thou must never treat thy Flute as a baton, for if it were to drop, thy world would come falling down or your flute might bend in half.

11. Whenever a Color Guard member tells thee that thine is marching too close, thou must royally decree that thy Color Guard is out of place, not thou.

12. Thou shalt always walk next to the Tubas when in narrow staircases and corridors, then turn and laugh at their foolish choice of instrument.

13. Thou shall notice that thou is thee bestest part of any band/orchestra/ensemble.

14. Thou shalt mingle with the French Horn players because thy Horns are cool and thou should date them.

15. Thou shall become best friends with thy clarinets because thy clarinets suck and thee flutes will be forever amused.

16. Thou shalt reference Harry Potter at any given moment.

17. Thou shall play hard-to-get with thy sexophone section.

18. The drumline is always wrong.

19. Flute incest is frowned upon but will be tolerated.

20. When in doubt play up the octave.

21. Thou shalt forever live by the motto "Flutes Kick Brass."

edit See Also

• Flute Hero
• Ian Anderson
• Music
• Trombones
• Skin flute
• Flute - A True Story