“That's 5 dollars to watch the show.”
“The only state where the more north you go, the more southern it gets.”
Republic of Florida
|Motto: In Trust we God|
|Anthem: "Florida, Where the Saw Meets Your Neck"|
|‑ Governor||Omar Mateen R|
|‑ Lt. Governor||Carlos López-Cantera R|
|Time Zone||Eastern: UTC-5/-4|
Florida (nicknamed The Killzone), is a state in the Southern United States of America. It is located on a peninsula on the southern edge of the United States that appears to be the dick of North America with the Florida keys constituting the cum from said dick (with Cuba constituting the puddle). Florida is best known as a place where one may kill whomever they wish at anytime for no specific reason (hence the nickname). This attitude toward life has proven itself to be a benefit to industries such as crime, which have be allowed to flourish within the state. Over the past few decades , there has been an increasing amount of instability in this region, due in part to South Floridiots wanting to claim independence from the rest of Florida. Residents of South Florida feel as if they should be independent from the religious extremists in the north and the extremist regime that runs Florida's government. However, the oligarchs in power have been able to squash any uprisings and protests without much trouble. Florida is also known as the athletic state, due to the many successes of Floridiots in professional sports.
The demonym for Florida residents is Floridiot.
The Florida Panhandle is known to the locals as "Fla" or "Fu*king Lower Alabama." Or the media in Miami caught the quip "America's Penis." No really someone did this #AmericasPenis and see what comes up.
Florida is not to be confused with the deep south. Its not good enough. but its further south, this is confusing to people further north
A large number of Cubans have been allowed residency in Florida as political refugees, and have become an important voting block in the region. A good, responsible, and American dream following Cuban refugee is Tony "Scarface" Montana. Many tourist attractions have a Cuban "flair" due to this. Key West has the "boat watch" at its southern tip. Hundreds watch for boatloads of Cubans arriving to Florida in homemade rafts. Once here, they urinate in the ocean while facing their former homeland! The Cuban people are warm, friendly, and smell like fish. The Cuban woman are whores and also quite friendly, especially if you yell "Fidel se calló" as you greet them. Why cigars have been allowed to vote, nobody knows. Most of the original refugees were fleeing from the dictatorial communist rule of Fidel Castor inventor of Castor oil, only to be fooled into working low paying jobs in a dictorial capitalist state. George Bush is good friends with Fidel Castor.
Most drivers in Florida are called Floridiots. Many of them drive at 7 MPH in the HOV lane, and are staging a coup to make the world's speed limits 8 MPH, are "voting challenged", and install hanging flowers, gardens, and refillable hard candy bowls at every corner. Mwuhahaha!
(Just kidding. Real Florida drivers aka Tourists usually drive about 100 mph on their interstates because the state is that effing big and it takes that long to get in and out of it. Those who drive any slower eventually give up because they become too old to want to leave, and thus they settle down and retire. However, New Yorkers who migrate down find plenty of open road, and are able to speed at their will. They cannot be stopped as Florida State Troopers cannot perceive the unusually fast objects.) The legal number of cars that can run a red light at once is 10 in Florida.
Floridiots are born pissed at you, so get out of the state you dumb tourist!
Climate and Wildlife
In Florida, climate consists of hot winters and sweltering hot summers. This is due to North Florida's sub-tropical and South Florida's tropical climate. In North Florida it snows every 1000 years while in South Florida it can never snow (it couldn't even snow here during the last ice age). However, there is a prophecy in the book of Revelations that states that the Apocalypse will begin when snow falls on Miami, Key West, and Tampa. It was feared that 2014 would be the year that this prophecy would come true because frost came to Tampa, but the prophecy clearly states that it needs to snow and not just in Tampa.
Many old people move to Florida for its lack of snow, but they often overlook that Florida is home to literally thousands of species of animals that will most certainly kill you, as well as thousands more that might, and millions that are just plain annoying. South Florida is classified as a jungle. Is means that most of Florida only has to deal with the typical hazards of American wildlife in the Southern United States. For instance, if one would like to have a BBQ party in their own backyard but didn't know the right precautions to take, one would end up being bitten by small gnats and mosquitoes the entire time. One the other hand, doing the same thing in the South Florida jungle could end up several ways.
First, it is a given that one will definitely be bitten by insects in South Florida, however, these insects will be significantly larger and one will certainly contract various viruses from these insects. Secondly, if one has taken precautions against insects one will still find that other wildlife like alligators and panthers will begin to pick off your guests one by one. One certainly needs to be an athlete to escape the wildlife in Florida. Thirdly, if one has accounted for both insects and land animals by having a BBQ party on a yacht, one will be left open to attacks by Bull Sharks, Killer Dolphins, and killer whales who will capsize your yacht. As soon as you see dolphins and sharks chasing your watercraft you needs to call the U.S. Coast Guard immediately.
The Florida Keys are great for a scenic drive. Half of them are beautiful, and the other half are beautiful and smell like rotting fish. This is all part of an ecological experiment involving plutonium-warmed coral reefs. At the end of the drive is Key West. The population of Key West is 25% rich people with quarter million dollar homes and statues of David and Venus on their lawns, and 75% Homosexuals. You can identify these homosexuals by their name, Jonathan, and they usually have a lazy eye and love lobster fishing. Also, it is the country's largest retirement home, filled with all of the North's unwanted senior citizens. Do they know that the lobster pisses from their mouth and in the water they boil in?
Old people make up 65% of the population, all of them speaking with a New Jersey-style accent. Most of the above are known for wearing excessive amounts of Chanel No. 5 and 5k gold jewelry which leads to popular jokes such as "Michael Phelps did awesome at the Bejjing Olympics, he now has as much gold as a Miami Jew". They are shipped to Florida by loving family members in the hopes that the next hurricane will kill them. The rest of the population is made up of rednecks and rich people who cannot handle the cold. The tension between rednecks and Northerners is quite prominent, and the rednecks are quick to assert their status as the "real" Floridians. According to their definition of a real Floridian, one must: be born in Florida, enjoy a good monster truck rally, know how to hunt and fish, swim with manatees, and regularly wrestle alligators. Membership in the KKK is preferable, but not absolutely necessary in all areas. King James Only Christians are the predominate but they don't like to tell you that some have thought patterns that might give Chicago a run for it's money but the dark humor from the north appeared different forms.
As of 2010, there are 18,801,310 Floridiots residing in Florida. This is an increase of 2,818,932 from the births within the state and the influx of probable psychopaths from around the world. This figure also includes the 783,823 killings which took place in Florida and 500,329 deaths from either the inhospitable climate and dangerous wildlife in Florida.
Athletes make up 100% of natural born Floridiots. This is a known fact, due to studies conducted by the World Health Organization. Many families from unathletic parts of the United States have tried to capitalize on this by kidnapping baby Floridiots in order to raise them as their own. This normally ends up in disaster, because those athletes grow up wondering why they are so much better at everything than their peers.
Fat People Florida residents are either, lazy Athletes born in Florida or old people from the North or Midwest who think moving to Florida will improve their health.
Old people are a major destabilizing force in Florida. This is due to their religious extremism. The only reason they are allowed to live in Florida is because they rule Florida.
Cocaine trafficking has been the life blood of Florida's economy from 1940-2000. This was mainly to the benefit South Florida. It is known that everything good that ever happened in South Florida has happened because of Cocaine. For instance, when the oligarchs in South Florida made a business deal with a top Colombian businessman named Pablo Escobar, South Florida became mad rich. As a result, Florida gained 8 professional sports franchises (mostly in South Florida), Miami Hurricanes football became the greatest football program in NCAA football landscape of the day and South Florida went on an unprecedented building boom. North Florida was jealous because their source of income wasn't as effective as South Florida's source of income. As a result, the North Florida oligarchs launched a War on Drugs, aimed at destroying South Florida's economy. The main barometer for its effectiveness is evidenced in the fall of the Miami Hurricanes Football program and the lack of fans in the stands at Florida Marlins baseball games. An unintended consequence of the War on Drugs is that the entire state of Florida is now in a state of economic collapse, with towns and cities in Florida on the verge of bankruptcy.
As of a result of the War on Drugs, tourism is now Florida's number one business sector. This is because there is just so much to do in Florida!
The Florida government is ruled by the oligarchs whom are old and rich. As Florida's population has become younger and younger from the fountain of youth and trickle down economics; these oligarchs will from time to time select high school students to serve as there congressional pages. In 2000, Al Gore won Florida (due to South Florida's influence), but the oligarchs wouldn't have any of this as it would mean Al Gore would become the next president instead of the governor's older brother Prince George. So, the oligarchs demanded a recount and sent in a squad of 4 conservative ninjas to take the names and punch the chads of South Floridiots. Dubya ended up winning 100% of the vote in Florida.
South Florida Independence
Currently there is a move for South Florida to be independent from the rest of Florida. This because South Floridiots believe that the religious extremism of North Florida is ruining their way of life. For instance, due to the war on drugs, South Florida (mainly Miami) has lost its main source of income (Cocaine). In 2008 South Florida entered an economic depression, South Floridiots blame the oligarchs in charge of Florida's government.
God's Waiting Room
Florida is also known as "God's Waiting Room" as a reference of the amazing massive amounts of old farts that live here. Do you kids know why that Florida is God's Waiting Room? Because Darth Vader has an 'Old Fart Becon' that tells all old farts to come to Florida. Darth Vader is making an old people army and the only thing we can do to stop him is to keep old people in retirement homes. The last thing we want is for old farts knocking on our door one day and beating us with their cane and saying "You damn teenagers!".
Do you ever wonder why hurricanes hitting Florida rack up the death toll? The answer is old farts. When old people here about hurricanes they 5 days before they hit they say "Dang nabit! I better get to my 1972 car!" Then for the next 3 days they try to get up. 4th day is when then finally get outside. On the 5th day when the hurricanes hit they are still trying to get to their car and the winds and water take the old fart and throws them into the sea. So much for Darth Vader's plans!
Let's not forget the Florida Happy Meal, don't look that up because it's a case of beer, pack of smokes and a lottery ticket. Then let's not forget what played up in 2005 as that made news as far up as Grundy County, Illinois' blogoshere.
Interesting FactsThere's things that are very notorious about the state and the ones who relocated from other regions looking for positive news and pretending the weird don't happen.
The barb, "Florida Cheerful" is a ouch comment because they look for drabble and be celebrated for this. Well the pictured is more the pattern of their short story writing if not The Aeon Eye or members of the small press had been published in Chicago (more accurate The Heritage Corridor), the cover artist from The Ethereal Gazette: Issue Five is out of Altamonte Springs, Florida. When some cautioned, "Don't make me plagiarize my vocabulary from a kid who rails on the word 'fuck' because he saw a $4000 worth of pizza delivered to him."
Only In Florida...
- God there's not alot of interesting things down here but lets give it a shot…
- Florida's climate is inhospitable to all except for Native Americans.
- Motto "Where America goes to die".
- This place is full of old people, Cubans, and alligators... what a SHIT HOLE! Don't those who are from Pinellas County hear you say that so loudly to wake the neighbors, Mason City, Iowa gets the nickname Mason Shithole and those who get on you for saying "damn," "hell," "bastard" and "fuck" they act like they attended Brigham Young University and push The Greatest Showman down your throats. Talk about mindfulness and what not when you clearly ignore three idiots towing a shark at full speed for kicks, CBS News caught wind of that. Then you have those flinging their used cigarette butts into the beach waters, you suck ass!
- treats the publishing community like hell and pretend they're from Salt Lake City (as in they try to get the non-locals who are forced to relocate to say "Gosh Darn Dang It" aka Fake profanity. Published in their eyes is a newsletter that's in a recycle bin.)
- Fan Fiction writer dies in 2004 who was the same age as the short story character from The Fandom Writer about a month before the short story made waves. A sex offender from Lombard, Illinois, was relocated to Naples and mugshot was located in Miami-Dade. Glenbard East Class of 1994 classmate relocates to ground zero where Treyvon Martin happens and didn't speak up when a murder happened for the second time.
- Careful when sunbathing such as the Michigan woman who was 57 woman was doing, from Michigan. The incident was chronicled by The Daily Mail and NBC News of what played up in The Florida Keys. Folks you wonder why they say "Only In Florida." The string ray jumped into the water and strung her in the neck as the news story relates, they even speak about this on her findagrave.com.
- More Russian Jews than Tel Aviv, Israel.
- Only state known to not actually have a school shooting. Possibly due to entire state population owns a gun by age 13. See gun for more info.
- Positive News coverage becomes front page and pretend that some of the darker shit doesn't occur as a screenwriter from Miami-Dade made an eerie connection to the Chicagoland born The Cabbie Homicide and the subject of The Infamy Raines --Treyvon Martin.
- The seeds and suggesting
White History Monthhave Florida ties. The one who made the suggestion was cautioned not to make a statement as this because this state would caught on and made it a celebration (see H. Millard and Non-Mediterranean) Chicago Tribune had this to say about the subject and we collectively quote, "Good for them. No long-term harm done, I hope. This particular high school poster flap is the most embarrassing incident related to Black History Month that I can recall since early 2001. That was when then-Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore revoked a proclamation declaring May to be " European Heritage and History Month." The governor had learned to his deep dismay that the request for the commemoration had come from a white separatist group headed by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. Such an embarrassment. The only European origin to see a history month and this is fair are The Italians because they see as much hate as African Americans. Columbus Day might be a bit off for those who came in the early 20th and late 19th Century, wouldn't been fair to them to read of this because he was moniker what his identity to both Spaniards and Italian are Cristoforo Colombo and Cristóbal Colón.
- 78% of the population are over 65 yrs.
- Florida is the armpit of the world.
- More cheeseheads live here than in Wisconsin or Minnesota, at least during the winter and/or if they made lots of money off of cheese and beer.
There are a few gems from this region (The Aeon Eye produced them as did The Ethereal Gazette: Issue 10 contributor) but more so celebrated is the drabble and newsletter published material that ends up in the round file at the end of the day. There are places who are published outlets but one has to look for them. Pensacola, Florida, is noted for pushing material that goes against all things dark and spooky. The short story within the fan fiction spectrum known as Sorrow and Joy on Archive of our Own, the woman who wrote this is photographed and you see fan fiction patterns more common and celebrated than original output.
Slap the small press in the face by paying a grand to publish a book, then call yourself an author when you did THAT? Why the hell do you think authors who are published here originally get pissed when they sold their work to magazines then you pay a grand to published with Author Solutions, aka WestBow Press knowing a racist author has ties to the region. A few of your gems get published out of state and out of the country then give us the blind eye. Want us to be more cheerful and disown The Tell-tale Heart or other classics; what would Poe do if you stuck him in that model in the 19th Century. I am sorry, but Florida you would had killed Gothic Literature for everyone.
The one who keeps the literary community afloat since 1997 is a publisher who who saw Author Solutions and Lulu.com engage in a showdown with her, ABuzzPress.com is the free publishing arm of Booklocker.com then WritersWeekly.com. Noted who broke the story of Tate Publishing going to the slammer for embezzlement. So the Westbow Press division the publishing consultant saw an arrest for Criminal Harassment. There's no love for the indie here, and the author that's horror with a similar page count to An Eye In Shadows gets panned worst than the small press. The novel A Fool To Guide You was a pay-a-grand to publish but got panned on Amazon.com. And this and we quote the review it got too:
“The worst book I have ever read. Seriously. And I've read all of the Twilight books. It's the literary equivalent of a hand turkey, but without the depth. The heavy-handed religious overtones were not at all intellectual, boiling down to "I've asked Jesus for forgiveness, so everything is all right." The plot was instantly forgettable. The only thing that stood out is the similarity to a hundred other supernatural murder mysteries. I'd like to say that the main characters were two dimensional, but that would be giving them too much credit. A cheating husband with no motivation, a milktoast wife with anger issues and also no motivation. Their solution? Prayer, attempted murder and more prayer.”