“The kids, they listen to the rap music. That gives them the brain damage. With the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin, so they don't know what the jazz is all about! You see, jazz is like jello pudding. No, actually its more like Kodak film. No, actually jazz is like the New Coke. It'll be around forever. Now listen to the jazz and eat the puddin.”
“yeah,so what..the guy can slap his bass..I slap my wife and do I get awards and recognition for that?No. What i get is a custodial sentence”
“HOLY CRAP!! RUUUUUNN!!!”
Flea, born Michael Peter Balzary, the 2nd Earl of Camden, is the facemelting bass jesus and professional fire damaged turnip lookalike for the "Red Hot Chili Peppers", "Red Hot Chicken Tikas" and Dr Pepper sales rep of the year 1987. He is a self confessed "Little Pea" and collector of Persian wifes. Flea currently resides not surprisingly in California along with sex and fellow California enthusiast plus band member Anthony Kiedis.
edit Early Life
Flea was Born in the grand city of Australia many moons ago to Myrtle and Wilbur Balzary a homemaker and Jazz fusion saxophonist in the band Wilbur and the Jazz Fusion collective. This is contrary to the works of semi legit Flea Biographer Perez Hilton who notes that his Parents were a law enforcement officer and an ultimate frizbee playing hippy. Flea's papa was not a copper and his momma was most certainly not a hippy.....although he DID swing hammers in alabama. Unlike that jackbooted wierdo Perez Hilton's account of the life and works of flea this article has been TOTALY RESEARCHED....kinda. I used Wikipedia and everything! all by myself!
Growing up Flea became interested in Drugs, Jazz and sculpting the face of lucifer into bars of Galaxy Chocolate. Flea's interest in music began to rise one night when Flea's dad and his band mates Fisty buns McGoo, Blind dead Mcjones and Afred Von Tootenberg were hammered drunk in the alley behind the house and a young flea was reading his books on this goliath of the Turnip world (of which he longed to be part of!) The Enormous Turnip he heard what sounded like Music but was in fact his drunken boorish father and Blind dead McJones hoofing a Cat while Alfred Von Tootenberg and cheered them on and mistakenly thinking he heard song lyrics "Throw a work boot at the cat" which was to Ironically influence the way the Red Hot Chili Peppers would compose song lyrics and be the title of their biggest selling single and album. A young Flea is claimed to have remarked "That's some HOT Jazz!". He was hideously wrong.
Flea's father was later arrested for assaulting the cat with a Souvener shoe horn from their family holiday in Lincoln, Nebraska. Flea and his mother then relocated to the united states of America and specifically California. Flea later said in an interview with High class music publication Rolling Stone" My father left me with the recipe for the most epic, and most saucy, bassline in history, despite having never picked up as Bass Guitar in my life" We will come back to this later.
In case you didn't get it or your just to daft to think about it this segment was littered with references to the song Dani California, Yes I know referencing songs by The Red Hot Chili Peppers in an article somewhat related to them is a crutch for foppish hacks who think it aids them in their pursuit of humour.... Fuck it!....I AM a foppish hack!
It has also been recently discovered that Flea is the single greatest man of all time, along side Anthony Kiedis. And also, his penis is larger than the average black Basketballer.
edit Anthony Kiedis And Hillel "Heroin" Slovak
After Enroling in "The state of Californias school for gifted Californian kids with talent" also known as "School" he met future best friend and "professional" Lady botherer Anthony Kiedis. After some troubles between the pair (Kiedis perpetually trying to knock off Flea's mum while he was at the toilet) they realised that they were far to "different" to be accepted and so it was, the twain forged ahead and became and formed and moulded the most rockin'est bombastical groovalitious Funk band in the world!......Anthym. No wait! theres a bit more like erm..the bit where Flea met Hillel "Heroin" Slovak and THEY formed Anthym BEFORE Anthony Kiedis groin thrusted his way onto the scene. Yes thats it!...kiedis was still trying to "Howdy Ma'am" the waste bin fashoned into the "sexually" alluring form of a pink plastic cartoon hippo in the far end of the schools playground facilities. Mean while Flea and Hillel "Heroin" Slovak created Anthym. Right you with me so far?....good. Up to that Point Flea was a total Jazz Nerd and into bands and people with esoteric names like "Deaf fat Mctavish","Wet Poor Jonze","Anaemic drunk O'Flaherty" and "The Hot Butter Soul Collective". His favourite "album" during this period was "Deaf Fat McTavish's" sophmore album and Jazz Tour de force "I ain't got nothin' and their takin' that too" During this time Flea would call out to all and sundry when he was in a dancin' mood to "get ya James Brown on!". Interviews with Flea during the "Califawnacation" album tour reveal that Anthony Kiedis suggested that Flea, Being a Trumpet prodigy (oh did i neglect to mention that!...well yeah he is) start a band with him called "The Humpin' Trumpin' lady pumpin' racoons". Flea quite rightly refused citing his reasons as "He is quite clearly an idiot, The idea is terrible, and he doesn't need a trumpeter as he has demonstrated a quite fantastic ability to blow his own trumpet". (I was referring to his Ego trumpet you filthy people!).
Upon meeting with Hillel "Heroin" Slovak and some other chap I can't quite remember who, let's call him Tony Harrison they formed a fairly average band of young white kids with no point to prove and no life experience called "Anthym" but god love 'em for tryin'! it consisted of Hillel "Heroin" Slovak (who i should more than likely stop referring to as "Heroin" mainly as he was still very much alive and not on Heroin at this point) on Guitar,Tony Harrison on Drums and Flea on Bass. Flea at this point had never played a Bass or in fact heard of one. Some people claim when he picked up the Bass a beam of brilliant ice bluegreen light erupted from betwixed Flea's glossy rear cheeks and burst into a facemelting slap Bass rendition of the B52's "love Shack". Others say he just went home with a tab book full of songs like "Old Mcdonald had a farm" and Megadeths "Bass for noobs". But for all intents and purposes of factual accuracy we will chose the more fun version. Oh yeah "By The way" it was at This point Anthony Kiedis did groin thrust his way in and stuck around.
P.S.......1 more Red Hot Chili Peppers allusion! Boooyaah!
edit The Red Hot Chili Peppers
After Hillel "Heroin" Slovak, Flea and Tony Harrison got their act together and learnt to play music they formed a band. Not like "Anthym" a better band. One that promised riches beyond the means of U2, Tenacious D, or even Bill Gates. HOWEVER! despite what many reliable sources say they did not perform as the red hot chili peppers at first preferring to play early shows under the name Kraftwerk and playing some kinda electronic dance music. You know the stuff, full of bleeps and boops. They realeased one single from these early shows on Tape. It was called "Computer love" and went something like this. "Da da daa daah. Da daa DAAH da. beepbeepbeep beep. pah bah baa bah daah" It was huge dancefloor hit in Minsk. Soon after that and a lengthy legal case brought on by the actual Kraftwerk in which the Red Hot Chili Peppers were forced under oath to admit that they were not pedantic Germans involved with the electronic scene in Hamburg and to quit their Jibber Jabber.
After the case the band were understandably decjected as they now had no direction or decernable talent (apart from Flea obviously)so just minced around inbibing groceries and pumping out pudding until Anthony Kiedis who was seldom mentioned at any point in the article so far despite being the most prominent and important factor in The Red Hot Chili Peppers....but fuck you, this is MY article about Flea and I choose when to reference him! this is not him referencing him in an article about him! for that see this "Anthony Kiedis: I love myself". Anyway back on topic, Oh yeah it was at this point. Or there abouts Will Ferrel No sorry Chad Smith joined the band on drums replacing the much loved Tony Harrison. It was at this point that an argument between Anthony Kiedis and Hillel "Heroin" slovak over drugs (did I neglect to mention that both of them are full on smack heads now...sorry) that the first song they Chilis released was spawned. Kiedis was debating weather speedballs can get you "hopped up on junk" and Hillel "Nearly dead at this point" Slovak warned "keep this about the music man! (musicman get it! hahaha......no....bloody phillistines) don't let the drugs and shit get the better of you!". Kiedis relented and quppied "If you see me gettin' high. If you see me gettin' high knock me down" and thus began the decade spanning album churning career of these guys and Flea became the greatest Bassist to ever do some Bass Playing.
The first album "Freaky Stylee" was not originally titled "Freaky Stylee" 2 other album titles were rejected. "Stylistically Freaky" and "Styled in a jaunty and esoteric way". The band decided that these titles were not ethnocentric enough to make black people and Asians buy their album. This evident as the Red Hot Chili Peppers are white and "Black man don' buy whitey's musak, we be buyin' shit wit 12 billion gigawats o' Bass". They said this completeley ignoring the fact that Flea plays at a volume and pace that makes the Tarmac bleed.
Nadir: The musicman reference for those of you out of the know is a brilliant Bass used by Flea until he switched to modulas series FB4 which is his sig... Why do I even bother trying to educate you!!. Oh and by the by im not sure that "Freaky Stylee" was even their first album. I can't be bothered to reserch it. What ya gonna do bout it! I'm someone other than that first writer. Freaky Stylee is their second album, the first was "Red Hot Chili Peppers" Freaky Stylee was followed by The Uplift Mofo Party Plan which was followed by Freaky Stylee again
edit Flea's Work On Other Albums
Flea is the only member of the band (I say this as Anthony Kiedis hardly contributes) that has played on every one of their studio albums and maybe their non live ones we just don't know. Follwing is a list of what he did.
edit Mothers Milky Way
Flea contributed by playing "The Flugelhorn","Bass","Oboe", "Kicking the shit out of John Fruitshanty to get his lazy pasty ass to do some guitar noodling", writing the lyrics for the tracks Anthony you pretencious prick "Andy Sandberg" and Dave Navarro's comin'".
edit 2 moderatly temperate minutes
Flea played Bass,Lead Guitar, Drums, Synth, Basoon, tuba,triangle and worked on catering. this was the album in which Dave "Nissan" Navarro (hahahaha get it!) played guitar. It was also the album that saw him get fired for being a Jackbooted, bemake-uped pussy with less skill and talent that the X Factor live tour. The album was so bad that the NME broke its tradition of giving everything a score of 2 and a half stars and gave it 2....unless they re-release it in which case it will get 5.
edit Mum,Shooters, Specs, Tragic
See above. Plus flea recorded the bonus track which many RHCP purists call Flea's cry to be taken under the wing of a credible band and celebrated for the god of rock that he is (This band aint no good), and NO Metallica fans im not talking about them as i said CREDIBLE. For that matter im not even talking about Megadeth so don't think fans of Dave Mustaine are getting away scot free! as may I remind you that washing and metal are not mutually exclusive.
edit Greatest Hits/What Hits
See above. Bloody hacks!
P.S Anthony Kiedis wanted to name these albums after 2 of his ex girlfriends "Greatest Hits" was to be named "Greatest Tits" after his Norwigan ex "Ingrid Van Pooter" the most beautiful woman in all of Norweigia and "What Tits?" after his other ex "Sinead O'Connor".
edit By The way
Are you getting the point. That these guys just recycle the same shit every single freakin' time!......Maybe the next one will be different.
edit Stadium Blockadeium
God Freakin' damn it!! I want my Flea back!! let him play once more John Fruitshanty!!! stop stifling the funk you fucker! Right thats it im going to get Dave "Nissan" Navarro back. Least he knew when to use a frickin' effects peddle!
- Note that I do not want to see Dave Navarro near any recording studio ever again!
edit Throw A work Boot At The Cat
This is the latest works by The Red Hot Chili Peppers and is the only album almost solely driven artistically and asthetically by Flea.
"Throw a work boot" as it was to become colloquially known deviated from the usual chili's style of Funk,Punk,Rock,Jazz,Folk,Pop,Psychedelia,Post modern industrial art rock and Public domain songs and replaced that with some 1950's inspired Bebop and freelance Jazz (which is different form normal jazz in that its freelance, these Cats are the coolest of the cats in that these cats "can dig that dadday" as opposed to slightly warmer cats who are unable to dig what ever daddy is supposed to be dug.....thats freelance Jazz for ya!). Flea wrote and played bass, Vibrophonor, Jazz keyboard, bebop trumpet and provided back up "skibady pows" in scat backup vocals. Flea also incorporated the "Fender Jazz effects pedal" into Fruitshantys guitar stylings for this album that ment that each note Fruitshanty played would be translated into scat singing with the tone and gravelly yet ballodic stylings of Louis Armstrong. Kiedis was required to sing in a scat fashion while Flea, Chad Smith and John Fruitshanty were to keep a constant and unrelenting wall of bebop and Jazz noises untill each 17 minute track was over.
It would be fair to say that the album did chart badly and from then on the chilis called it a day.
Today flea can be found in his lovely home in California with his lovely wife and retired scottish music teacher Agnes Badcrumble where he enjoys a sedeate life filled with decoupage and knitting jumpers for the less fortunate who reside "Under The Bridge Downtown". Flea has recently funded a music school called "Flea's school for kids who want to be good at music"
P.S. HA! you thought I forgot the references to the Chilis but I was saving the best for last!