Flaxmere

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Flaxmere!

Flaxmere

Urban Zone Population Heaps of Maaa-ooor-eeees,
Heaps of islanders,
two white people and
Andrew French
Extent As big as a KFC Bucket
Territorial Authority Name Hastings District
Population Who knows? Flaxmerites can't count.
Extent Who cares? Drunk people can't judge distance.
See also Hastings *Hastings hangs head in shame*
Regional Council Name Hawke's Bay

Flaxmere (also known as Blacksmere, Flashmere and Flaxmurder) is a lower-class suburb of Hastings, New Zealand.

Essentially Flaxmere is just a zoo without a fence. Full of Monkeys', Chimps' and one Hyena. A napalm drop on Flaxmere would be much welcomed by 95% of the population of Hawkes Bay!

edit History

FlaxmereMale
Your average Flaxmere male. Just fat and chubby. And looking like a fucking hyena.

Flashmerian gangs saw Captain James Cook far in the distance, they weren't sure if they were stoned or if the drugs had worn off and it actually was real. Maori and their big noses had already smelt KFC aboard the vessel and were motivated toward something for perhaps the first time in 200 years. In their haste and intoxication and having not found the KFC they kidnapped one of the crew. The local chief, Whaka-u-whag, married off his toothless daughter to the new crew member they were now stuck with in exchange for the KFC*, drunk logic just 'works' like that. All Flaxmerians' are inbred from this couple, even if you're not from Flaxmere.

The next event of any interest was when the locals invented fire 500 years later to cook chicken, this is not at all surprising; everyone in Flashmere knows THC takes longer take longer to wear off if you've eaten.

  • (Excerpt from: Flaxmere, a battle with Alcoholism and the Locals, C. Ashworthy, Associated Press, 1985)

edit Geography

Flaxmere is situated on reclaimed swamp land, the swamp was mud derived from soil and Lion Brown. The city planning of the suburb is aligned to the shape of the Marijuana leaf (Flaxmere's town plant is the flowering cannabis sativa) Flaxmere is also the most distant suburb from Havelock North and the closest to Mangaroa Prison.

edit Climate

The climate of Flaxmere is alike to that of other areas of Hawke's Bay, warm and pleasant, however air quality is poor with a near-constant haze within the suburb. The town just has this charm that makes you want to keep coming back.

edit Culture

A mixture of many. The main cultural event happens each Wednesday when the locals group together (not what you're thinking) at the local WINZ to claim their mandatory government handouts, an excellent time is had by all, and the excitement in the air could be cut with uncle Rangi's boning knife. The other event is to group together at the local skate bowl dressed in your 'colours' and find the weakest 7 year old, and beat him up with a minimum of 5 friends.

edit Tourism

It is interesting to note that many of the promotional materials for Hawke's Bay Tourism and Hastings make no mention of Flaxmere, nor is it drawn on most maps. Basically this has come about as Flaxmere is a public embarrassment for the region. Next time you're in Hawkes Bay try to find something actively mentioning the town. You Won't. You Can't.

edit Lifestyle

The lifestyle is simple, we stalked followed a native local Flaxmerite. The following is a list of his day-to-day rituals.

edit Monday

  • Hungover from the weekend
  • In bed with a woman man he does not know.
  • Gets half dressed and goes to the pub.

edit Tuesday

  • Wakes up on the pub's pool table.
  • Spends the remainder afternoon busking at the shops, still mostly drunk.

edit Wednesday

  • Races to the WINZ center to collect his mandatory handout.

edit Thursday - Sunday

  • NON-STOP PARTY!, spends handout
  • Repeats list from Monday for the remainder of his brain cells.

edit Anything Interesting Flashmere May Possibly Have

  • Country Fried Chicken
  • Tommy's Take Aways
  • A library (with the only internet in the whole village...)
  • A gym that people are too drunk to legally use
  • A rock climbing center that people are too drunk to legally use
  • Numerous P-labs
  • Flaxmere Cootie World, A pool center that people are too drunk to legally use
  • Churches Cults
  • Peary Place
  • WINZ, who could forget?
  • second highest rate of STD's per capita after Hamilton
  • The highest number of dumb, criminal breeding slags on the planet

edit See also

UnNews Logo Newspaper
This article was mentioned in Hawke's Bay Today, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here

edit External links

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