Flashlight Tag

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Flashlighttag

A close game is decided by sudden death.

Flashlight Tag is one of, if not the most popular sport in the world. Played by 38 people in 56 countries, it is regarded as a game that requires exceptional skill and physical endurance. Unfortunately, none of the 38 current competitiors have either, which often leaves boring goaless score-draws which have to be decided by a duel with pistols, where it is customary for the winner to eat the loser.

History of Flashlight Tag

Some say the Romans invented Flashlight Tag. Some say it was the Germans. Most people say it was a Martian invention, and they're all wrong.

whatever nobody likes you. i'm so tired!

Flashlight Tag was actually invented by Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfernschpledensclittcrasscrenbonfrieddiggerdingledangledonglebursteinvonknackerthrasherapplebangerhorowitzticolensicgranderknottyspelltinklegrandlichgrumbelmeyerspelterwasserkurstlichhimbleeisenbahnwagengutenabendbitteeinnürnburgerbratwurstlegerspurtenmitzweimacheluberhundsfutgumberaberschonendankerkalbsfleischmittleraucher Von Hauptkopf of Ulm (Johnny for friends) in 1876, as a way of killing time whilst waiting for his TV dinner to thaw. He would take a small ball of tightly wound rubber bands from his desk draw and try and kick it into a small hole at the bottom of his garden.

He originally dubbed the sport Baseball but chose to rename it Flashlight Tag so as not to infringe on copyright, despite the fact that it had nothing to do with flashlights, whatsoever.

The game was made The Official Sport of Argentina in 1956, and since then 37 other countries have followed suit and joined the association.

There is a World Cup twice annually, which was last won by Brazil in January of 2005, and was previously won in the infamous July tournament of the same year by the Nation of Joe under allegations of referee fixing (the referees testicals had been removed prior to the match, as opposed to the usual post-match castration).

Rules

The game consists of two teams of 14. Each team must comprise of one of each of the following positions:

  • Goalkeeper
  • Sweeper
  • Janitor
  • Offensive Defence
  • Defensive Offence
  • Terminator
  • Free Safety
  • Sofa
  • Market Trader
  • Quarter Pounder
  • Inside Linebacker
  • Inside Leg Measurement
  • Left-back (in the changing rooms)
  • Munter

The game is fast flowing, and relies on passing and movement rather than a series of plays with no real conclusion (such as one would find in Chess).

Playingfield

The bizarre triangular playing field, with its confusing markings, is a firm fan favourite

The object of the game is to get the octagonal ball into the opposing team's cave as quickly as possible, whilst simultaneously preventing entry to your own team's cave.

Points can be scored in the following ways:

A goal worth 3 points. The ball must land inside the cave, roll past the defensive dragon or "goalkeeper" and then fall into the basket at the far end of the cave. If the ball becomes lodged inside the cave, then play is paused whilst the referee fishes around for the ball blindly with a big stick.

A touchdown worth 2 points. The ball must be taken inside the cave and placed within one of the dragons internal pouches without disturbing it. This is the part of the game which is responsible for most of the sports many deaths.

A broken limb worth 1 point. Self explanatory.

The game is 3 hours in length, and is played in progressively smaller "quarters", starting with a period of 1 hour, then half an hour, then quarter of an hour and so forth, until the final quarter, which is 3/10ths of a nanosecond in duration.

The field is triangular in shape - providing the home team with an obvious advantage.

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