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Flash Poodling, not to be confused with flash flooding, is not a meteorological condition, but in fact a major sociological problem in affluent and otherwise upmarket suburbs in major cities in developed countries. Flash Poodling involves a sudden and quick gathering of poodles, termed 'the swarm', in which the surroundings are enveloped by masses of poodles. The swarm then quickly subsides, but not before causing damage to the enviroment, and bodily harm to people unlucky enough to get caught in the vicinity.
edit Creating Flash Poodling: The recipe
To get things just right to develop flash poodling, one must strive to get an upscale suburb, which is the ideal breeding ground for these types of disaster. Here is a handy step-by-step process for civic planners wishing to create some Flash Poodling:
- Start with somewhere nice and close to the city. Such an area will already have a high density of yuppies.
- Allow building permits for 'modern architecture', that is, ugly buildings with ugly angles, and with colours with rich names such as 'zinnober', 'hyacinthe', and 'gamboge'.
- Build a pet store
- Make sure the pet store only sells poodles
- Release a society magazine showing Paris Hilton with a pet poodle.
- Since only idiots copy Paris Hilton, and rich yuppies are idiots, they will buy poodles - QED.
Within one week, conditions will be right for Flash Poodling.
Stay Indoors: You have been warned.
edit Flash Poodling around the World
Though Flash Poodling is most common in France, it occurs in a myriad of forms around the world. Who, for instance, hasn't gasped in awe at the horror of the Hydra Poodle - with it's many heads, shrieking screaming, and deadly crunching teeth. Or, perhaps, the US designed and engineered Poodle-Patriot Flash Poodling missile system. Beware, the future of warfare is here.
edit Toy Poodles - The Hoaxing menace
These 'Toy' Poodles are not really poodles, but an elaborate ruse, created by vandals and activists to create mass panic. They instill fear in the Proletariat by invoking the much maligned image of many poodles together, a thought so fear inducing, even the mostly manly of Germaine Greer quiver in sight of such trickery.
edit The Hydra Poodle
Though a great deal of life is lost to Flash Poodling, nothing is so deadly and painful as being devoured by the dreaded, magnificant Hydra Poodle. Due to the larger size and more ferocious appetite of these majestic creatures, it is rare to see Flash Poodling involving any more than about 10 at a time. Commonly, Hydra Poodles have the following attributes:
- The ability to regenerate heads. If one is cut off, two grow to replace it. Though the energy expenditure of such a process has never been seriously question, but nobody cares. This power indeed makes it a powerful foe.
- Ravenous mouths and crunching jaws. Not only just good for eating humans whole, but they also grant the wearer +10 charisma when dealing with shopkeepers.
- Protection from Dick Cheney - The Hydra Doesn't have a heart, so can't get shot in one. Plus, it's not Dick Cheney's freind
The only person ever to have survived an encounter with this vile beast is Ivan Milat, who high-tailed it outta there after realising it wasn't a british backpacker.
edit Dealing with Flash poodling
As they saying goes, 'prevention is better than the cure'.
- Don't buy a poodle
- Don't talk to poodles
- Don't talk to your freinds if they have a poodle.
- Don't talk to your family if they have a poodle
- If your boss owns a poodle, quit your job without notice
- If you're a scientologist, stop eating - (Though nothing to do with poodles, always a good idea)
- Don't go outdoors. Ever.
Not following these instructions explicitly can cause all manner of drama, and ultimately, untimely death. In the very least, you'll suffer from poodle related iunjuries, or Disemvoweling.
edit First aid for Poodle bites
There's no hope for the damned. The only way to deal with Poodle bites is the same way they dealt with zombie bityes in twenty eight days later - that is, kill them before they turn. A sword or katana, hacked wildly into your freind's back usually does the trick. Or alternatively, Douse them in petrol, light, and run away!
edit Taking the fight to them
In the worst case scenario, where in you can't run, or avoid being pitted against the horrible wave of poodles rushing towards you, then there is only one option open to you:
- Find a choke point
- Build four bunkers, two on each side, and put an SCV and three fully upgraded marines in each one.
- Get at least ten siege tanks set up alongside, again with SCV's for backup.
From here, you can usually sit back and watch the carnage unfold, as the stupid zergli--er, poodles run straight into your defences.