Flaming Bee

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Flaming Bee aka Kindle Bee.

Flaming Bee
The Male Kindlebee in mid-flight/flame.
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Arthropoda
Class: Insecta
Order: Hymenicoleosis
Family: Lampassidae
Genus: Apis
Species: Apis ignetum
The Lesser Known Flaming Bee
Sun bee cave
Cave painting of the prehistoric Sun Bee. The modern-day Flaming Bee may have evolved from crossbreeding by the prehistoric Sun Bee and the Firefly.


Some entomologists suspect the flaming bee was a cross-breed between the modern firefly and the prehistoric sun bee. While the sun bee could produce flame by rapidly rubbing its rear antennae together, the flames were external to the insect. Fireflies, also known as lightning bugs, produce their abdomen's bright but not-burning glow internally. The combination may have produced the modern flaming bee.

edit The Male Kindlebee or 'Beelit'

The beelit is always male and takes roughly 2-3 working days to reach puberty. A beelit does not grow wings until the 2nd day, so hobbles around in a drunken manner, drinking dew drops on the 1st. When the wings sprout, it flies continually higher and higher, and gradually gets a tan, meaning it slowly acquires the yellow and brown marking of an adult bee. It does not increase in mass, but instead grows hair all over (except the head), and its voice deepens. The point of full puberty is when it first notices it has no sexual organs, and queries this. It immediately ignites, because not having sex is too much for the bees brain to cope with. Ironic really, given that this is ultimately how it reproduces.

edit The Female Kindlebee or 'Moronbee'

If a male bee fails to pounce on a female and explodes alone, the bee that forms from the ash will be a more stupid flaming bee. The reason why the male becomes more retarded with each self-ignition is commonly agreed to be a kind of inbreeding, whereupon a part of the bees brain is unfulfilled by not doing the "countdown" dance. These repetitive brain hemorrhages eventually result in an inability to self-ignite, because it is too stupid to question its lack of sexual organs. This means the bee does not ignite upon adulthood, and exists as a stupid adult bee. It is now a female bee (or moron bee). The female bee is allowed to ponder the complexities of life, something the male has little time to do as it ablaze for its entire adult life (a few minutes). Given time to ponder, female bees develop a liking for simplistic music. They often hum versions of songs they may hear, bird songs, animal calls, and Oasis, This explains why they are attracted to the moans of male Flaming bees. Some female bees have been known to fly into microwaves, and when heated they melt, but reform again to become an even stupider female, known as a "Ho bee" – this is an unnatural occurrence that should be treated with grave seriousness.

edit Kindlebee Behaviour

edit Fire and Death

As well as being attracted to humming noises, Flaming bees have an intrinsic fear of fire, a cruel and ironic twist, which delays the reproductive process as they try and escape the advances of lit bees. It is a local colloquialism to call prudish women "Kindlebees". Female bees can only be "killed" by fire, which is something they naturally avoid, they are too stupid to see their death as an essential part of reproduction and are selfish. No studies of male bees have been made because they are too hot to touch, but it is assumed they are too overwhelmed with pain to care whether they are dying or reproducing or whatever. The fear of fire explains why male bees never try and and reproduce with other male bees, either that or a form of homophobia. Male bees will always jump onto an unlit female bee, thinking that they too will become unlit.

edit The Countdown Dance

The secret to the reproduction is the countdown dance, Flaming bees have a genetic quirk in that they have an appreciation of dance and music, and fundamentally have to dance. Because dancing with the same sex is gay, nature has convened so that the bees, by no sexual means, manage to avoid being homosexual completely whilst having two "sexes".

edit Kindlebee Foreplay

When a male flaming bee reaches puberty, it spontaneously ignites, and burns for several minutes. Once fully ablaze it flies around manically, as it is the only insect to feel pain, and is in searing agony. Whilst flying it emits a low-pitched moan, much like a microwave hum, which attracts a female. The male then immediately pounces on her, setting her alight too. The female tries to fly away, but the male attaches itself with sticky pads on its legs, and they buzz around together like a demented firefly on heat. Originally, scientists believed this to be an act of sexual intercourse, but in further discoveries it has been proven that this is, in fact, a piggyback. The pair fly in this manner for between 10 and 20 seconds before the female grows too weak to continue, and goes for a sit down. The male then secretes a sticky, honey like substance over the female to attach her to her chosen resting place. The male is then able to commence the final part of the mating ritual, which is a short dance, often referred to as "the countdown". Finally, the male explodes, followed quickly by the exasperated and mildly irate female. The ash slowly liquefies, before moving together and combining into a baby bee, or beelit. The beelit is twice the size of its parents, because it actually is its parents, but it is a pale green colour and has no wings.

edit The Coming of the Bee

As the life cycle of the flaming bee continues, eventually enough of them will combine into a super-massive-flaming bee, which reaches critical mass upon hitting puberty and explodes across Kamchatka in what the locals call, the "Coming of the bee". The last recorded "Coming of the bee" was in 1998, it could be heard as far away as Melbourne. The ash spreads over such a large area that it is unable to recombine and therefore creates many small beelits so that this cycle may continue, ad nauseum.

edit Species Under Threat

Due to the increasing number of Ho bees, and the fact that females cannot become males, the species is under threat. Some of the more strong-willed, inquisitive males can self-ignite many times before becoming female, but increasingly there are more and more females. Experiments have been conducted where two females have been lit next to each other, but the beelit does not ignite as it is still stupid, and unfulfilled. The importance of dancing is that it seems to denote intelligence, and even when a male and female combine, the higher intelligence of the male overrides and the beelit ignites upon maturity.

edit Fate of the Kindlebee

In the event of there being no males left, the female bees just fuck about, and do odd stuff like make houses, play dress up, play mother and child, and this is what has happened everywhere but Kamchatka. Don't listen to the nature programs, bees are sexless, sometimes they last long enough to gain an appreciation of the "honey" originally intended for fiery reproduction and become fat, called "a Queen". Sadly, the bees of Kamchatka will soon be lost, and there will be no more intelligent bees that can dance properly (males)...

edit Kindlebee Experiments

A solution was attempted to trick male Flaming bees into thinking that they themselves have lit another lit male bee (thinking it is a female) - but this is proving tricky because they both try and do the moves and get confused, meaning that when they explode the beelit never learns to fly and simply dances on the floor.

edit See also

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