Fizzy lifting drink

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Fizzy Lifting Drinks, or FLD, were primarily used in the Great Grandmother Purge of 1952.

[edit] Brief History of the Great Grandmother Purge

It all started when Federal Investigator Frank Humbug's grandmother wouldn't let him out of the house after 9pm. A few of his buddies had called him in for a 876 (which means patrolling for skanks in Investigator lingo), and Humbug's grandmother wouldn't let him out, so in a mad rage, he offed her and gallivanted about the city, enjoying pleasures of the flesh all night. Soon, other people's grandmothers tried to tighten the slack on their grandchildren, but the grandchildren rebelled. Humbug led a statewide purge of grandmothers and had a lego-monument of himself erected in the town square, thus ending the Great Grandmother Purge.

A year later, he contracted genital warts from one of his "nighttime clients" and itched himself to death.

[edit] A Man, A Mission

To fight off the grandmothers (who by this time had sprouted wings and were taught by the Asians how to fly) Herman Scrouge, a local scientist of the smarter persuasion, created a way for the grandchildren to combat in the skys as well (because when planes were flown, they would run into the enemy and get what was dubbed "Granny Goop" on the windshields which was, needless to say, a hassle to clean off) - Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Supposedly stealing the idea from local candymaker Willy Wonka, Scrouge transformed the concoction into a military weapon. Raking in profits, he soon grew filthy rich and lived to be 63 and then, some claim, ranted and raved on his deathbed about three ghosts and giving an obnoxiously huge ham to a little child so he wouldn't die young.

[edit] The Effects

When consumed, the Fizzy Lifting Drink (FLD) will make the drinker experience slight lightheadedness. This will soon progress into an almost drunken stupor, which will cause the drinker to hallucinate. Fizzy Lifting Drinks have been outlawed by the FDA because some drinkers have been known to see the Ghosts of Grandmothers Past. After the stupor wears off, the drinker will then inexplicably find themselves floating twenty feet above the ground, enabling them to zoom and whoosh about as they please. As the effects of the FLD fade, the drinker will slowly descend until their feet are gently hovering above the ground, and then will gracefully drop and continue about their business.

[edit] WARNING

Although the FLDs are great not only for military prowess but recreational activities as well, using them is unadvisable, especially when driving or operating heavy machinery.