Name: <insert name here>
Date: 20 September 2008
Class: Mrs. Fagot
Grade: F- You fail this class, <insert name here>, and you also fail life!
The five paragraph essay is a torture device developed by the University of Cambridge. It is a common form of punishment in middle school, high school, and college, but is sometimes even used in elementary schools and kindergartens. A five paragraph essay really consists of seven paragraphs. It's just called a five paragraph essay to confuse children, and demoralize them even further by ensuring them failing grades. The first paragraph consists of the writer's first name, and the second paragraph consists of the author's last name. The third paragraph is called the grabber, since while the student is writing it, the teacher usually grabs the student and forces them to strip down to nothing but their underwear while scolding them. The fourth paragraph is where the first actual point is presented. The fifth paragraph is where the most pointyest point is presented, and is usually the most painful. The sixth paragraph is where the last point is presented, and is often accompanied by a bunch of pointless quotes to make the essay look longer. The seventh paragraph is the conclusion, in which the writer, in a last ditch attempt not to get a failing grade, must hastily write down random facts and opinions until they run out of time. Most teachers give students ridiculously short amounts of time just to make sure they have no chance at even getting to their last paragraph.
First of all, the five paragraph essay is used in elementary schools. Spanking used to be the main and most effective form of discipline in elementary schools, but has been banned in many schools due to communist organizations such as the American Psychological Association opposing cheap sexual gratification. This has led to the five paragraph essay becoming a popular alternative to spanking. Because of corner time being ruled a cruel and unusual punishment by the Supreme Court, Colorado, Utah, and Wyoming now require five paragraph essays to be given as punishment for all offenses, ranging from being late to class to skipping school. Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah furiously demanded in a 2007 press conference, "All children under the age of 12 will write at least one five paragraph essay before they graduate! I don't care if they're blind, deaf, Jewish or mentally retarded. They will write one before I die!" Kindergarteners who have been forced to write five paragraph essays are frequently left traumatized from the experience, and the five paragraph essay helps 5 year olds learn to have better grammar. Therefore, the five paragraph essay has been extremely useful in primary education.
Second, the five paragraph essay is commonly used in secondary school. Five paragraph essays usually aren't as traumatic for high schoolers, however, since high schoolers take doses of heroin before writing the essay. Teachers can assign five paragraph essays as punishment at any time they want, and even math has been known to have essays. Essays in math are the worst type since the student is required to draw a straight line using only a compass, protractor, and an eraser. When teachers assign essays, they tend to lie and say they're not doing it just because they want to, but for the good of the student. Don't believe this lie! Teachers love seeing teenagers suffer as much as Michael Jackson loves seeing children naked. As Kristen Marilyn, a former teacher, says about essays, "I can go to jail for murdering people, but I can't go to jail for murdering the dreams of thousands. I mean, imagine the thrill of being a serial killer and the security of knowing no one can do a thing about it!" The five paragraph essay gives teachers dictator like control over their classrooms, and is helpful in secondary education.
Lastly, the military has unveiled the five paragraph essay as a new
torture interrogation technique. The five paragraph essay is even more effective than waterboarding, and its effectiveness has been compared to being lashed with a Cat o' nine tails repeatedly. As one of the interrogation strategies at Guantanamo Bay, prisoners who refuse to answer a question truthfully must write a five paragraph essay while someone is tickling their foot with a feather. If the prisoner fails the five paragraph essay, they must write another one with openly gay men tickling both their feet and their crotch with feathers. The five paragraph essay is as useful in combat as it is in torture, and can be used as a projectile. During the Cuban Revolution, the United States shot about 10,000 essays at Havana, hoping that Havana's citizens would read the essays and learn about the wonderfulness of democracy. Sadly, that didn't work since U.S. foreign officials forgot Cubans speak Spanish. To test the effectiveness of the five paragraph essay, Bill Clinton wrote a five paragraph essay, and said it was harder than trying to convince everyone he did not have sex with that woman. George W. Bush tried to write a five paragraph essay, and he couldn't even spell his name or initial right. In conclusion, five paragraph essays have helped the United States be more efficient in enforcing foreign policy upon its colonies.
In conclusion, the five paragraph essay is the most important invention of the 20th century. (Please don't fail me, teacher; at least be nice and give me a D-. Oh, shit, I've just ran out of time!!!!!)