First Great Oil War

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Oil-war-flag

The 1st Great Oil War.

The 1st Great Oil War confusingly called the Afghanistan War by idiots that don't realise that Afghanistan has been in a permanent state of war since God Allah made the world. The 1st Great Oil War began on 7 October 2001 when George W Bush and Tony Blair decided to liberate the oilfields of Afghanistan.

edit Background

Afghanistan Statua di Budda 1

The Taliban began liberating Afghanistan from evil buddhist statues.

The origins of the 1st Great Oil War can be traced back to the insurgency against the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan in the 1980s. The American government decided to help the noble freedom fighters the Mujahideen to resist Soviet occupation by providing them with $billions in weapons and training.

Once the Mujahideen had liberated Afghanistan from the Soviet occupation these noble freedom fighters changed their names to the Taliban and began liberating the country from other evil influences such as music, literacy, sexy women and Buddhist statues.

At first the notoriously puritanical Americans approved of this activity, being extremely fond of banning things themselves. The American government even invited the Taliban to visit America in April 1998 to discuss what kind of things they could ban together, such as the cruel oppression of the Afghan oilfields.

Following this meeting relations with America chilled, due to the fact that the Taliban saw themselves as the only rightful liberators of Afghanistan and took exception to Bush's idea that they should let America help them liberate the Afghan oilfields.


edit Pretext for war

Once relations with the Taliban had broken down entirely, the American government decided that they would have to intervene to save the endangered oilfields. They realised that the insanely paranoid Muslim world would probably get the wrong idea and jump to the conclusion that they were trying to steal the oilfields instead of liberate them.

A plan was devised to allow a group of Islamic Fundamentalists to attack America, this attack was arranged on 11 September 2001 to commemorate America's noble liberation of Chile from the threat of socialist democracy on 11 September 1973.

Most of the terrorists that carried out the 11/9[1] attacks were actually from Saudi Arabia, but the American government didn't really care about that, since all these bloody ragheads look the same anyway. They claimed that the Taliban in Afghanistan were harbouring Al-Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden.

edit Invasion

US soldiers with cows in Kunar Povince of Afghanistan

"Kill those fucking grass eating bastards."

Once the cynical and self serving Westerners had turned on their brave and heroic former allies in Afghanistan, war became inevitable.

The invasion began on 7 October 2001 less than a month after the "pretext" happened. America and Britain attacked various targets across Afghanistan.

The first victorious moment for the American forces came 2 days after the official start of the war. On 9 October four United Nations peacekeepers were defeated to the east of Kabul in Operation Collateral Damage. Other early victories in the campaign included the defeat of 4 Canadians at Tarnak Farm on 18 April 2002. And the overwhelming defeat of a hostile wedding reception in Uruzgan Province on 1 July 2002 resulting in the death of 48 belligerent wedding guests and the injury of 117 others.

Over the following years the American led occupation secured a number of other victories including the defeat of three British soldiers in October 2007 in Operation Friendly Fire[2] and the heroic Kunduz Airstrike in 2009 which resulted in the defeat of at least 90 oil oppressors who had been trying to steal some of the oil the US forces had worked so hard to liberate.[3]

A common misconception is that the US army are the only forces that have been deployed into Afghanistan to help liberate the many oil fields that are un liberated from the foe who guard it without much caution to the not very cared about issue called "That Global Warming Stuff". Not many care about this issue. The US liberate the oil fields for this reason. However the First Great Oil War is often believed to just be fought by the US however once the populations of many countries realised that on Amazon you can order two things and still get free shipping. It was then known to the world the PMC (Private Military Corporation) called Britain was enlisted by the US to assist their fight in the First Great Oil War.
British Army Be Like

The British Army is gonna fuck shit up!

They were stationed in nice holiday resorts all over the Helmand province drinking tea and occasionally reaching for a biscuit. However this did not last long, as the much not feared Taliban gangs had decided to cut off all the tea and try to resist working at the oil fields, the British had to do what they secretly didn't want to do. This was to incorporate Afghanistan into the British Empire. The Taliban decided to go do what they know best. Play "hide and seek" with Osama Bin Laden in the neighbouring countries until they get caught and then have to play "duck duck goose" until one of them gets shot. When this person was shot it was the end of the First Great Oil War and Britain and America had won. Sadly another one was on the way...

edit Post invasion governance

Not an American stooge

Hamid Karzai - not an American stooge.

An interim government was established on 21 December 2001 under the leadership of the American's hand picked man Hamid Karzai (a former CIA informant). The first elections in Afghanistan were won by Hamid Karzai in 2004 to make him the first democratically elected leader of Afghanistan.

In 2009 Karzai won his second election which featured lack of security, low voter turnout, widespread ballot box stuffing, intimidation, and other electoral fraud. He was finally declared the leader of Afghanistan by the Afghan high court. An election that was considered to have easily matched the standards of participatory democracy set by the United States and the European Union.

edit Civilian casualties

According to independent estimates around 39% of the innocent civilians to have been killed during the war have been killed by the United States and their allies.

These figures are disputed by the US administration who claim that 0% of the 0 innocent civilians to have died were killed by the US and allied forces. Opponents of the war have pointed out that if the US estimate of 0 civilian casualties is to be believed the United States administration are responsible for 100% of them, and should therefore be tried for war crimes.

edit See also

edit References

Personal tools
projects