First Council of Nicaea
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The First Council of Nicaea was summoned by the Roman emperor Constantine in 325 AD ." It took place in, you know, a long time ago, like centuries or more. Sometimes it's called the "First Council of Nicaea," because it killed heresy - dead!
[edit] Agenda of the Council
The council was drawn from various Christian big wigs from the Roman Empire and various holy men to agree to agree on a whether Jesus and God used the same substances: While the general consensus was that they both loved the reefer, along with an occasional vodka tonic, the powerful Bishops of Pitiunt and NoVa argued that only the more youthful Jesus used the sticky icky, while the more respectable God preferred blow.
The second major problem was the Catholic hereey. The Catholics followed the teachings of Cathol, Jesus' younger step-sister from Virgin Mary's fourth husband. Cathol taught that Jesus was actually her younger brother, and also that God hated the physical intimacy part of sex so much that he had impregnated the Virgin Mary by using the archangel Gabriel to whisper a dirty story into her ear.
The Council also dealt with a number of minor issues, such as self-castration (which was all the rage among teenagers at the time) and the NoVatianists (Christians from Northern Virginia who argued that the Nicene Creed was "too Southern").
[edit] Conclusions of the Council
The Council agreed that both Jesus and God were "total potheads" (οι τωταλ ποτχεδου in the original Greek) but also occasionally used other drugs. It also agreed that they preferred gin and tonic, not vodka tonic, as vodka tonics were "too faggy."
The Council agreed to compromise with the Catholics. Henceforth the Christians would call themselves "Catholics" (but see our article on the Reformation) and agree that God hated sex, but in return the originial Catholics had to agree that Jesus was the older child and that Cathol was very nice but "we know who got the brains in that family."
[edit] Nicene Creed
The Council also wrote a pithy summary of Christian belief commonly called the "Nicene Creed." Unfortunately, no copies of this document survive. This is believed to be the major factor leading to the huge number of Christian churches today that apparently disagree on everything.
The Nicene Creed (re-published in 381 A.D. at the Council of Constantinople.
- We believe in one God,
- the Father, the Almighty,
- maker of heaven and earth,
- of all that other gods are lame and don't exist.
- We believe the homosexuals are evil, so are Jews, Muslims and American Indians.
- For us and for our salvation
- God came down from heaven,
- was incarnate of Michael Jackson and Britney Spears.
- For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;
- To convert others to our ass-kicking religion and take war on the KKK,
- George Bush, Iraq, Israel, Pagans, Wiccas and other So *Called Christian Abomination.
- We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
- who proceeds from the Father [and the Son] the pope,
- We believe priests have the right to molest little boys,
- We believe in executing non-christians and squirting holy water in their faces,
- To deliver them from evil.
- We believe nuns have superpowers and should always marry angels.
- Ahem..We mean..Amen.
