Communion
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Communion is a 2000 year old pagan ritual practiced by the cultish Catholic Church and other sprouts of Christianity.
The related tradition of "First Communion" is only performed once. It's purpose is to prepare children (and other highly-impressionable people) to believe that they must particpate in a weekly act of receiving Communion, and gladly pay the cult for the privilege, thank you very much, for the rest of their natural lives.
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[edit] History
The first historical instance of Communion was also the "last" (that's a pun, Son [of God]). At Jesus' Last Supper, where he and his disciples all sat on the same side of a very long table, they feasted upon the juicy genitals of a cow and consumed massive quantities of alcohol. This was all done to celebrate the fact that one of their own coven members was going to sell their wizard to the wolves for a few coins and a pat on the back. Jesus ate and drank, all the time knowing that the spotlight would soon shine on him and his dramatic but glorious death. A famous photo of this event was taken by Leonardo DaVinci using one of his many inventions, an early model of the HP Photosmart digital camera.
But then, somewhere downline in history, priests and nuns and popes and bishops figured out a way to use that wizard's last supper and turn it into a funding scheme of epic proportions.
[edit] Crazy Theory
The wild idea behind "Communion" is that you are receiving the body and blood of a Jewish handyman named Jesus H. Christ. As you eat Jesus in this ritual of blatant cannibalism, you are supposedly preparing to get down with God, to hear him speak to you through the bread, and to meditate on the fact that the living Jesus himself is at that exact moment being burned, melted, and torn to bits in the biting gastric digestive juices, hydrochloric acid, and pepsin bile of your stomach. If you listen closely you can almost hear the little guy squeaking "Father, forgive these gastric juices, acids, and bile, for they know not what they do".
The 'Jesus bread' itself is baked by mad monks from a secret recipe handed down from generation to generation for over 2,000 years. Culinary scientists have attempted to reverse engineer the recipe, but to no avail. It is thought to contain wheat, salt, self-raising flour (to symbolise the resurrection), a blend of 13 holy herbs and spices, and carpenter. Many people who can't eat wheat get sick from eating the 'Jesus bread'. Therefore, 1 out of every 133 human beings is officially allergic to Jesus.
During the ritualistic ceremony the thin wafers are blessed by a priest, at which point they briefly come alive before being eaten. This cannibalism isn't seen by modern society or by the news media as being barbaric because the guy's immortal, and it doesn't even hurt Jesus to be chewed on and swallowed (see "Mary Magdalene", the first person to swallow Jesus). But the wafers have to be eaten within a five-minute window of being loaded with Jesus in order to give Christians their magical powers.
Christianity is one of two religions where the deity returns as a foodstuff (see also Flying Spaghetti Monster). The miracle of this transformation of bread product into deity now stands as the central insane theory and bedrock of the cult of Roma, completely ignoring 100% of the wizard's public and private teachings, his Book of Shadows, and his other rantings and ravings.
[edit] Side Effects
Consuming Jesus leads to many side effects
Some people begin to see angels out of the corner of their eyes, little sparrow-sized things that offer to grant you three wishes and then rapidly fly away before you can answer. Others start to speak in tongues, sounding a little bit like a fly mixed with a drunken badger. Still others feel sexually attracted to priests, nuns, or their young playthings, and often engage in three-or-fourways with these infernal creatures of the night.
If any of these side effects persist do not seek medical help, but immediately contact your local Rabbi or Scientology auditor and ask them to rid you of Jesus.
