Most commonly used to clear out drifters from North American factory outlets. Commonly enough, Coolverine is an evolved Firebot turtle. The second Sunday of every third year of March is dedicated to the creation of the Firebot turtle.

Firebot Turtle
Scientific classification
Kingdom Cap'n Crunch Berry
Phylum Batteries not includedous
Class Dirtbot
Order Kentucky Native
Family Professor X
Genus Hermaphrodite
Species Raptor
Binomial name
Apperence in Jurassic Park
Primary armament Fetch
Secondary armament Bring Newspaper
Power supply Suprise Seizure Dance Cannon
Health 120
Mana .666
Strength 18
Intelligence -0
Weight 1/2 Lb.
Length (0'6)-(6'6) Ft
Special attack
Conservation status
Parents Just Don't Understand

Physiology Edit

Firebot turtles are fond of birthing their young in the marshlands of Kentucky. Oddly enough, the shells of the eggs are made of a fine tissue paper. Many of these creatures are immediately eaten by the parents due to hunger. The primary food source of a firebot turtle is their own offspring. Approximately ten to eleven different species exist in the world. All of them are called raptors, and numbered by the amount of times they were filmed in Jurassic Park. Once a young firebot turtle is hatched, it must quest to find the seven dragon balls and wish for eternal suffering to the creators of M.A.S.H.

Gender Difference Edit

The fact that firebot turtles are hermaphroditic, is up for debate. The primary researcher in this is Dr. Dre. His findings have proven inconclusive, others have found his laboratory to be nothing more than a meth lab. To the untrained eye, all firebot turtles appear to look like former senator Will Smith. The key note is that the firebot turtle has never been captured, as it is impossible to capture with any tool known to chimpanzee. Whether or not these animals have a gender is to be determined for the fact that science has better things to do, like finding a cure for sunlight.

Primary Hobbies Edit

A vast majority of the firebot turtles prefer to collect expired calenders. There are few other hobbies that a firebot turtle is capable of understanding. Due to a lack of numbers, they tend to burn the calendars for fuel, this provides them with a sort of friendship. With that friendship in mind, they tend to attempt to bond on a physical level with the fire. This results in the death of approximately twenty thousand firebot turtles per second. The ones that don't collect calendars prefer to follow the band Jefferson Airplane on their United States tour.

Predators Edit


A young firebot turtle and his nemesis.

Many animals are predators of the firebot turtles. Such as a gallon of milk, one dozen eggs, a box of cereal, and the dreaded stick of butter. The predators tend to roll the firebot turtles onto their backs and press the off switch on the firebot turtles' stomach. As many human scientists have noted, firebot turtles are God's idea of a joke. Any animal has the ability to defeat the firebot turtle in combat. In one particular experiment, an anteater has killed one.

Prefered Travel Edit

Several thousand firebot turtles will migrate to the depths of Hell to gain a passport into the Soviet Union. Unknown to the firebot turtles, is the fact that the Soviet Union has not existed in over a decade. After gaining false passports, they will begin to swim upstream and miss the left turn at The Alamo. A common means for vehicular transportation is a two-seated sled. Sadly, the sled is only useful for snow which never occurs in Texas.

Trivia Edit

  • Batteries are not included in firebot turtles.
  • Firebot turtles are the only fully-organic creatures that are entirely made of metal.
  • They are truly the most useful animal when one plans to sew a hole in a pair of pants.
  • Only one out of every ten firebot turtles is mormon.
  • Firebot turtle blood is used in many alcoholic non-alcoholic drinks.
  • One album was co-produced by a firebot turtle, the album is One Hundred uses for the Select Button on a PS2 Controller.

See alsoEdit