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As implied by the name, fire escapes provide an escape method for fire. Fire is naturally scared of water, firemen and unemployment. When fire becomes scared it can use a fire escape to quickly exit a building, however most fire is medium to very aggressive and will stay to fight its respective battles. As a side note, calm fire is known as water. Calm fire and aggressive fire neutralise to form intestines which then immediately react with oxygen to form Chinese people, which is why there are so many.
Fire escapes were first invented by a satanic cult of assassins, named The Fiery Purple Matchsticks, as a revolutionary new way to protect their beloved fire. The first concept was produced by Christopher Robin, who joined the cult after burning down the hundred acre wood after what he described as “an accident involving dead hookers, some gas cylinders and a quirky packet of matches”.
His idea included a trebuchet that could throw the fire to safety. This led to the great fire of London in which he also died. At the time he was said to be working on a portable flame throwing device that could be used by fire.
Determined not to give up, a new idea was adopted by the cult. This outlined a series of wooden steps to lead the fire to safety. This idea was based on the fact proved by world renowned nuclear quantum meteorologist, [[Josef Fritzl]. Fritzl's 1962 paper entitled, ‘Fire, hotter than bondage’ revealed for the first time that fire and wood reproduce to make more fire. Essentially the fire rapes the wood and forces it to give birth to the bastard fire offspring. However the step idea failed very early on when it was realised that fire had no intention on fleeing. In accordance with fire law, fleeing is considered an act of extreme cowardice. For an idea of the seriousness of this crime it can be weighted up against a human crime of a similar level, such as having sex with a witch monkey and one’s own mother at the same time in the presence of dinner guests.
However this problem was foreseen in advance because also in 1962, the world applying ‘Fire in Fire Escapes Act’ was passed by a landslide of 599 to 1. Aquaman, for obvious reasons, voted against. This Act made it compulsory for all fire escapes to have fire in, thus stopping fire from becoming extinct.
As a religious place of worship
Fire escapes are a designated place of worship for arsonists. The sun is banned from fire escapes as fire believes it is just showing off and being overly obnoxious. The use of drugs is legal and even encouraged on this holy ground. Drug users are known to get an unequalled high while under the influence of drugs and watching their own bodily skin melt from the bone.
Ryanair has recently announced plans to ‘fly the fire to any destination and back again for under £100’. However analysts say the fire is likely to decline as Ryanair plan to charge extra for burn marks and smoking is not allowed. All fire are naturally chain smokers and this habit is picked up from birth.
Fire escapes are not designed for human use. In the event of an emergency a lift or window should be used to exit the building.
Fire escapes are too hot to barbeque ribs however they are perfect for immolating small annoying children. This has been proved by Freddy Krueger who is a regular user of this system.
Dangers from human use
In the majority of cases, entering a fire escape will result in a very slow, painful death as the body turns to charcoal from such extreme heat. Possible other injuries may include heavy tanning to the point you resemble an orange, mild discomfort, light burns, medium burns, medium-heavy burns, heavy burns, severe burns, skin cancer, sudden death and tastiness which will arouse hungry wild animals and cannibals.
In an unexplainable design flaw, fire escapes have been found to contain and actively release bloodthirsty demons. This has become increasingly problematic as the demons are known to instigate sexual assault and eat homework, which is already at risk from dogs, aliens and hurricanes. When asked, Christopher Robin’s bodily ashes refused to comment.
Rumours have also spread that Hitler, Osama bin Laden and the Candyman hide in fire escapes and play card games together on Saturday nights. Once again, the burnt remains of serial arsonist Christopher Robins refused to comment.
Looking to the future
Fireologists have designed new concept fire escape systems that await development and clearance. These include; buses designed to take fire to designated safety spots; situating all major civilisation centres around volcanoes; specialised instructors to teach the fire how to be more effective at leaving buildings.
In all, the future looks bright for fire.
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