Fire alarms

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Fire Alarms are one of the world's greatest killers. You may think that fire alarms are set in place to keep you safe when tucked up in bed with 4 women, until you discover who or what actually starts those fire....


edit Method

There are many methods which the common fire alarm may employ when sneaking up upon its chosen victim, victims and/or dinner, but the one most commonly used is the 'alarm clock" method This method is quite simple. The rather unassuming fire alarm lies, or hangs, in the last place its equally unassuming human counterpart put it. Whilst there, the fire alarm sits in a still-like fashion and waits in a most waiting manner.


A common fire alarm in repose.

Once in a blue moon, or at least whenever the unassuming human counterpart is trying to sleep or rest(and/or a sleep), the fire alarm will emit a short, loud series of electronic beeps as a signal from the mothership triggers a very loud annoying sound to be caused that is otherwise untraceable. This is the first event in a series of events which eventually lead to a final, more interesting event. The beeping serves no other purpose than to wake the snoozing, unassuming human counterpart and to send him into a state of utter and sheer panic. This is often the point where, rather than do anything about the beeping, less-unassuming fire alarm, the still-unassuming human counterpart resumes its nap (and/or sleep), a fatal mistake, on the part of the counterpart, which will later help fulfill some sort of destiny or another.

The next step the fire alarm often takes occurs when it sees (or at least notices. Fire Alarms don't actually have eyes) that its human counterpart is beginning to doze. The fire alarm emits yet another short bursts of loud, obnoxious beeps and then stops suddenly, giggling silently to itself as only a fire alarm can. At this point, the now somewhat-assuming human counterpart does one of two things: he either tries to get back to sleep only to be kept awake by the constant beeping, or he admits defeat then goes and tries to find the fiendish fire alarm.

This attempt to find the fire alarm can take from 5 minutes to 7 minutes at the most for the fire alarm employs a most profound, phenomenal technique which involves intrigue, cunning, lust, power and often times a bit of theme music (usually taken from a James Bond or other spy-type film). When the fire alarm is finally found, the human counterpart (now all-assuming) changes the fire alarm's batteries in an attempt to quell the incessant beeping.

If the fire alarm doesn't get its battery (which is quite like a nappy for electronics) changed, then the problem starts. A fire alarm left to its own devices will eventually start that fire it had tried to warn its human counterpart it was going to start. But by not changing the battery for whatever reason, be it deafness, laziness or the inability to exist properly, the human counterpart as let itself become victim to this arsonist.

edit Motive

There really is no motive for the common fire alarm. They like fire. They are arsonists. They also like having their batteries changed on a regular basis, thus keeping the arsonistic feelings of the fire alarm at bay.


The common peasant doesn't know the fire alarm's motive either.

If you were to ask a common peasant ambling down the road what he (or she) thought the fire alarm's motive was, you would receive a wide variety of responses. One response from the peasant might be sheer and utter shock at having someone talk to him (or her). They might drop dead or point a bony crooked finger at you and proclaim you to be a heretic or they may simply kick you in the shins and amble quickly away. These are the usual ways in which a peasant would respond to an unusual stranger, especially one as queer looking as yourself.

If the peasant is not shocked, you would most likely be staring into the face of someone with a look so dim, stupid and otherwise vacant that their very existence might seem strange in that one passing moment. Do not worry though, the mentally vacant have existed well enough over the past few million years. Nonetheless, it would be a good idea not to ask peasants about the happenings of the electronic world. They know nothing about it and your shins can only take so much.

In the early 1940s, a rather clever scientist deduced that one might be able to obtain the motive of the fire alarm by 'asking politely'. The experiment was immediately implemented and all its data taken down by hand. Here is a transcript of what occurred:

SCIENTIST: I'm approaching the Fire Alarm. (pause) Here, you! Write that down.

<<Scientist Approaches the Fire Alarm. Yells at Assistant.>>

SCIENTIST: Bloody hell. Don't they teach you anything at school nowadays, you old thing? No! Not this. Don't write this down too. Stop! Honestly! Don't make me go over there, old thing. You've already written down that I've gone over here.

FIRE ALARM: *beep*

SCIENTIST: (To Fire Alarm) Ah, yes. Hello, sir. What is it that you want?

FIRE ALARM: *beep*

SCIENTIST: Yes, that's wonderful. Fantastic. Now, would you be so kind as to tell me your particular feelings on motivation?

FIRE ALARM: *beep*

SCIENTIST: I'm afraid I don't understand that particular word, kind sir. Would you care to elaborate?

FIRE ALARM: *beep*

SCIENTIST: Now, there is no need to use that tone of voice with me, sir! I merely ask-

FIRE ALARM: *beep*

SCIENTIST; Well, fuck you too, buddy! (to Assistant) Come along, you bloody useless excuse for a man!

<<Scientist storms off. Drags Assistant along. Assistant continues to write, sloppily.>>

FIRE ALARM: *beeeep* off, you big *beep*!

edit Famous fire alarms

A Las Vegas Casino, hoping to increase their business with a gimmick, invented the famous Slot Machine Fire Alarm (SMFA) for fire and terrorist attacks. When an emergency occurred, the alarm triggered a slot machine, and only sounded if it hit the jackpot.

The SMFA was responsible for the death of roughly 2,000 people, and when asked about the controversial decision to keep it in business, the owner of the casino shrugged his shoulders and responded, 'Eh, why not.'

Some other famous alarms include the patented Mr. Smiley brand, which instead of making a loud, attention-getting sound, played soft music and sang songs quietly. Everyone loved it. Even as their flesh boiled in the searing heat, and their eyes melted down their face, Mr. Smiley kept on playing his soft, beautiful music.

edit Who invented the fire alarm?

The fire alarm was invented around 2010 by Mr Mark Rooney,everyone thought it was a great invetion and he won 7 noble prizes because of it. He is now a sucsesfull billionaire living in Ireland.==The Secret Organization That Keep Fire Alarms From Making Fires==

From the time fire alarms were first invented, they have been fully sentient. Naturally, these sentient and mighty fire alarms desperately required attention from everyone who simply took them for granted. In order to gain the sort of affection the fire alarms desired, they started fires themselves, so that they might cheerfully alert everyone to the fire's presence with piercing klaxon. This became irritating, and fire alarms were returned to non-sentience. For the most part.

Some alarms still remained conscious and became dangerous. They did not want love anymore, they simply wanted to cause chaos and then gleefully scream it out. In order to combat this dangerous presence, the Fire Brigade was formed.

The Fire Brigade consists of secret members all over the world. They operate in top secrecy, but commonly go under the disguise of firefighters. They aren't firefighters. They are the Fire Brigade. And yes, there is a difference. PS: its the goverment conspirace there in my brain ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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