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While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original taming of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from "aliens did it" to "lightning struck a tree" to "flying narwhals"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possessor of
stupidity foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man a gift of the Gods. He stole this Fire from Hades, who is the God of Hell Fire. Man, being still a total n00b in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master fire wielder. (He did so because he misplaced his club in his pile of mammoth hides.) His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife ablaze. For decades after, the sole use of fire was to whack an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced. Ever.
Initial Reaction to Fire
The daily popular science and history magazine Doggerland Chronicles wisely had this to say about this ingenious new invention in their special 17473 B.C. issue, written directly on cave walls all across todays Europe, northwest Asia and northern Africa:
|“|| Mages and visionary philosophers marvels at this new invention which popular culture have dubbed "fire" and which was discovered last month after a severe thunderstorm. The revolutionary new invention is truly miracleous and its applications seemingly endless. |
No longer will we have to freeze and shiver during the winters, but we can also use it to cook our food and make it both tastier and healthier, as it allows for the destruction of parasites which has ever plagued us since time immemorial. Shamans and wise men marvels over its possible use as a signal by controlling the release of smoke and to dance around at night in order to bring us closer to the spirit world.
Toolsmen and hunters have considered its use as a way of frightening of predators and to ensnare and encircle beasts to be hunted for consumption. Toolsmen and mysticists are still working on new ways to artificially produce a flame which can then allow for serial manufacturing of the new invention to bring it to global use for troglodytes worldwide.
In the issue, Doggerland Chronicles also interviewed two oddly dressed youngsters bearing the seemingly anachronistic names Bill and Ted on what they thought about the new invention:
- “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude, this new invention they call fire is the coolest thing since the quantum computer was invented! It's really going to change everything now! Whoever invented it is going to get himself lots of dineros, fast cars and babes. By the way dude, you don't happen to know which year it is now? It surely doesn't look like the year 2135 AD to me...”
It would not take long before fire could be serially manufactured, and by the early Mesolithic the prizes for flint and amadou had dropped by 80 percent and could now be bought cheaply in your local trading hut for as little as five apples or one mere salmon. When fire was made popular in the 16th millenia B.C., little was known about it except that, it kept you warm, scared away animals, made food taste less of stomach ache but more of burning and that if it got too big and attacked you, you could extinguish it with pee or spit. It was not long before the apparent problems caused by the new invention began to surface, as described by the great shaman, toolsman and philosopher Trogloditus 2000 years later:
- “What is happening to our young people? They set fire to their elders, they burn the houses of the parents. They lit the forests and drives the beasts we hunt away with their torches. They ignore the gods. They riot in the caves inflamed with wild notions, setting everything in sight ablaze. Their morals are decaying because of this devilish contrivance they call fire.”
In one caveman community, the two dwellers Jakkú and Bãshka had this to say to Doggerland Chronicles about fire:
|Jakkú:||“||“No, me don't like it, oh no, no, none of that thank you, not round 'ere, no thank you very much sir.”||”|
|Bãshka:||“||"To be honest it goes above my head, my grandson's very good at it though, such a nice boy. I use it for burning black people you see.”||”|
|Bãshka:||“||"Oh yeah, fire, cool man, yeah, I dig it. It's hip, it's happening, it's what all the kids are doing, I was out on this bender right with all my friends, right, who I like hang out with cos' they let me cos' they like me, and yeah so, anyway, I used the fire, to, you know, help dry my tears as I contemplated my crippling loneliness.”||”|
|Bãshka:||“||“It's the kids I'm worried about, what if this new fangled fire influences them, you know, stops them doing nice wholehearted things, like having sex with things and then killing them.”||”|
|Jakkú:||“||“It's useful for keeping away that annoying guy who keeps saying ug”||”|
|Bãshka:||“||"Fire, Fire, FIRE, you come talking to me about fire, what you tryin' to say mutha 'ucka, huh. what you tryin' to say foo', what just cos' fire turns things black, I should be interested, racist.”||”|
|Bãshka:||“||“Die, you monosyllabic tosser!”||”|
"Ug, ow, crap, I'm on fire, I'm bloody on fire! Somebody help! I'm completely on f....."
The interviewer, stopped here as he realised the ridiculousness of this whole situation. He might have survived, had it only been discovered that fire can be extinguished by water a few centuries earlier than it later happened.
Views on Fire in The Modern Age
|If you see this sign, then grab a can of gasoline, pour the gas, light it on fire, then run like hell.|
Fire fell briefly out of favour in the Victorian age when steam was discovered to be more useful, became briefly more popular from 1914 to 1945 when it was discovered to be good at killing German people, before being forgotten again in the 60's and 70's whe it was discovered that smoke from some plants could make you feel happy, say "wow' a lot and actually think that Jethro Tull is good. However, thanks to immensely popular people like Mary Whitehouse and Margaret Thatcher, drugs become hated and have now fallen completely out of use. this paved the path for fire's triumphant return to the mainstream. Fire was brought back in 1982 by a frenzied advertising blitz in Europe and the USA with slogans such as "fire, the burning stuff" and "give a damn, light a fire". it was also endorsed by a number of celebrities, and was referred to everywhere in the showbiz scene of that time. This was one of the most popular jokes at the time. Some modern experts also consider fire the most delicious thing ever created. Unfortunately, all these experts have quickly died out of what was obviously a case of excessive enjoyment.
Fire--The Universal Problem Solver
From the early days of fire when wife-burning was insanely popular, to today where it is still very widely used, fire has expanded its repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels AND zombie bananas from the Hindenburg full of Assium AND gay faggot cows from planet OinkLlamaSprinkleWinkleWhee AND giant bouncy fossilized titanium balls AND protesting army solidiers in Iraq threatening to cause Armageddon by the use of stainless steel mine grenades placed in the Great Pyramid and Niagra Falls and the 7 wonders AND fat midget ass-shaped aliens from Uranus. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? "Come on baby, light my fire." Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings (and teacher burnings).If you want to make anything extreme, add fire. Extreme football? Light the football on fire. Extreme jump-roping? Light the jumprope on fire. Extreme studying? Light the nerds on fire. Got fired? Fire the fuckin bitch back (with all your power, get a big bad-ass superpower flamethrower and TORCH the fuckin bitch!!!). Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important function of fire is to kill yourself with.
|Dance, little flame, let your warmth flow over me... let me touch you...|
Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... her light ... it draws me in ... she flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet flame ... dare I caress her back ... I want you ... so much ... let me ... let me take you ... oh ... yes ... oh, yes ... you feel ... you feel so ... So ... cooold....?
|Why, fire, WHY have you turned against me?!?!?!|
“The way I feel, I don't expect to go to sleep for a year. I'm on fucking fire!”
AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAAAAA! ARRGGH! How can something so right feel so wrong!? Oh, ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP! Dying, can't... go... on... gheh.
Satan and Fire
Satan and fire used to be very close with each other. Fire and Satan would do everything together, give people AIDS, cause global warming, fire their lasers in enemy territories shouting, "I'm in your base killin' your dudes!," etc. While they had their time together they would usually do the most evil thing ever imaginable... listen to Sting. The relationship lasted long to the eventual point of Satan intending to marry his precious fire. However their relationship had ended when Satan found fire in bed with Steven Colbert.
Fire Safety Is Not A Joke Son
Fire is very dangerous, you shouldn't run with matches, you could poke someone's eye out for a start. Fire usually comes in flat pack boxes and has to be assembled. Obviously there is a great amount of risk to doing this and the results of poor fire assembly could be devestating, so it has to be done in a safe environment. Therefore it is a legal requirement for all public buildings and places of work to have safe places to assemble fire. Commonly this will be in the form of a designated 'Fire Assembly Point', somewhere at a safe distance from a building.
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